Tulefel

Feb 7, 2013

I’m 49, he is 20 years younger. We are supposed to meet the coming Saturday. I still have time to die of old age. He still has time to fall in love with someone from his generation. But if neither of these would happen during Friday, what am I to do?

 

Point out one or another of his flaws that would be a deal breaker? So far he hasn’t given me any reason to do it – intelligent, polite, entertaining, attentive. Enthusiastic. Well... handsome, if thát matters.

 

Play submarine – lie on the ground and kill engines to avoid radars? And resort to beer-gutted, follically challenged men in my age… Which actually would be all right, if they weren’t so terribly serious about themselves while asking “What do you wear?” directly after “Hi”.

 

What’s the matter with age difference and why does it feel both gross and tempting at the same time? And whose fault is it and what to do?

 

user458

Feb 7, 2013

Well, no one's to blame, and... just go for it. Beyond a certain age, it's really just a number. 

CampAnawanna_

Feb 7, 2013

Hell, go for it.

 

get your freak on

 

 

sandyvs

Feb 7, 2013

If someone is the same age or age group as my sons, I just can't do something with them, other than be friends. It feels 'icky' to me. If they're about ten years older than my oldest son, and when I talk to them I feel like I'm talking to someone my own age then it's fine.

I've talked with men my age that totally disgust me with their immaturity, and some guys in their thirties that seem like I'm talking to someone in their forties or fifties. OP, YOU need to decide what is and isn't a deal breaker for you. For me, if it feels gross, no matter how tempting it is, I won't do it. Because I think about how I'd feel five-ten years down the road and looking back at it. I don't want those 'down the road' memories to be bad.

DrGeniusWiener

Feb 7, 2013

25 is my personal cutoff (which is awfully young for an old goat like me).

There's always the dealbreaker...

But personally I like being able to converse with my dates.

Swampy65

Feb 7, 2013

I’m 49, he is 20 years younger.

Most women on this site would consider this creepy, if you were a man. Some would even accuse you of being one step away from being a pedophile.

 

DiscoJer

Feb 7, 2013

Some young dudes have a granny fetish. You probably aren't going to find too many though, so jump on it.

 

Nyamuk

Feb 7, 2013

Haters gonna hate. 

ok_stoopidcupid

Feb 7, 2013

My boyfriend is nine years my senior, and we get on very well.  I never would have thought, but it's been two years now.

sandyvs

Feb 7, 2013

"I’m 49, he is 20 years younger.

Most women on this site would consider this creepy, if you were a man. Some would even accuse you of being one step away from being a pedophile."

Nah, I doubt anyone would consider anyone dating a a twenty-nine year old a pedophile.



 



DrGeniusWiener

Feb 8, 2013

He didn't say that, Sandy.

Some would even accuse you of being one step away from being a pedophile.

He said this^

And he's essentially correct.

Particularly in these forums. There are people (usually women) who are scared shitless of growing old and project it onto others.

The difference in characterizing the "empowered" cougar (for women) and the slavering old pervert (for men) is often a glaring double standard. 

Nyamuk

Feb 8, 2013

I haven't seen anyone accused of being one step away from a pedophile for being interested in a 29 year old. I think it's generally accepted that men will be interested in younger women. The ridicule comes when they get offended that younger women aren't interested in them.

If Tulefel posted a thread complaining about how she doesn't understand why no hot 30 year old guys want to date her, I think she'd probably get the same reaction.

Sushibitch

Feb 8, 2013

The difference in characterizing the "empowered" cougar (for women) and the slavering old pervert (for men) is often a glaring double standard.

This is true, but then it occurs in the context of an existing double standard, doesn't it? Age-difference relationships typically involve an older partner with more power and a younger partner with less; our society gives men more power than it gives women. So an age-gap relationship between an older man and a younger woman implies a massive disparity in power, where an age-gap relationship between an older woman and a younger man kind of evens things out.

Having said that, I think these things are case-by-case; my brother is 17 years older than his fiancée, and theirs is one of the more balanced relationships I know of. And I certainly don't think there's anything particularly wrong with a 29-year-old (of whatever gender) dating a 49-year-old (ditto). I tend to prefer someone closer to my own age, but that's largely due to having had bad experiences every time I've dated someone significantly younger.

DrGeniusWiener

Feb 8, 2013

I haven't seen anyone accused of being a pedophile for being interested in a 29 year old.

That's because nobody HAS been accused of being a pedophile for being interested in a 29 year old, Nyamuk.

 

Some would even accuse you of being one step away from being a pedophile.

Again^ This characterization is accuate. Particularly in these forums.

And in my personal experience ageist ridicule hasn't come from my reactions to rejection at all! It simply comes from my being an older man, period.

Nyamuk

Feb 8, 2013

Yes yes, I edited it to reflect Swampy's actual language. Whether pedo or almost-pedo, I haven't seen that term invoked when the young person in question is over 25.

I haven't seen you be the target of a lot of crap ITF, mostly I think because you seem to be a normal human being. Then again, you'd be in a better position to gauge that than I.

DrGeniusWiener

Feb 8, 2013

Perhaps I am.

And I'm surprised you're oblivious to it.

It's an extremely common go-to insult in these forums.

(for the men that is)

This is true, but then it occurs in the context of an existing double standard, doesn't it? 

And yes, miss bitch. I agree.

Nyamuk

Feb 8, 2013

Well, since the go-to insult to women is always "You're over thirty so nobody wants you/once you're over thirty nobody will want you!" I guess that makes sense...

DrGeniusWiener

Feb 8, 2013

Fear of aging and its stigma as expressed in our society indeed cuts both ways, Nyamuk.

But trust me,"cougars" get a bigger write off. Hello?

Nyamuk

Feb 8, 2013

By people making snarky commentary in an internet forum? Definitely.

By the public in general? I don't know. It's been accepted from time immemorial that rich powerful men are going to have young, beautiful wives. Nobody really says shit when Hef marries another 22 year old. 

What9Thousand

Feb 8, 2013

Even people who fist bump about cougars don't necessarily want a serious relationship with one. I don't think it's fair to say that cougars get a write off.

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