Do you think it's necessary to add "Looking for One Night Stand" option?

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What9Thousand

Mar 22, 2013

The problem here is that some people interpret the "looking for" section to mean "open to", while others interpret it to mean "actively seeking". Many women will happily engage in casual sex with an attractive partner, but wouldn't describe themselves as looking for it.

amp-here

Mar 22, 2013

Many women will happily engage in casual sex with an attractive partner, but wouldn't describe themselves as looking for it.

 

Precisely.  They are looking...but only under the right conditions.

What9Thousand

Mar 23, 2013

They are looking...but only under the right conditions.

Not necessarily. Being open to something happening doesn't mean you're seeking it. If someone offered me a cat, I might decide to adopt it, but I'm not looking to adopt a cat.

sfguyyy

Mar 23, 2013

 

What's unfair is

*) when a woman claims she doesn't want sex and does


They are looking...but only under the right conditions.

 

What you miss, as you generally do, is the cultural and interpersonal context of those habits and traditions, and any sort of empathy for what it is like to be a female.

Specifically: if men weren't so wrapped-up in virgin-whore syndrome and sending out highly mixed messages and demands to women all the time, women wouldn't need to resort to subterfuge in order to survive.

Ye Olde: "You must be appear virginal in public, and then turn around and be a slut/whore in MY bedroom" kind of thing.

The general drill is this: show any form of sexual desire or lustability in public and be written off as a slut who deserves no respect, or present as prim and proper and be accused of being a deceptive bitch who won't give it up.

Under those conditions, it's no surprise whatsoever that women get backed into a corner and end up pulling a subterfuge to get by. Especially since most women are far less interested in or inclined-to confrontation than men are. Part of that is down to hormonal distinctions, part of it is down to simply survival mechanisms borne out of millennia of abuse at the hands of violent men.

 

 

Sushibitch

Mar 23, 2013

part of it is down to simply survival mechanisms borne out of millennia of abuse at the hands of violent men.

Well, or just their own lifetime; when little boys get into confrontations, they're encouraged to speak their minds, to be up-front, even to get a little rough. Little girls are encouraged to be quiet and nice, to let other people have their way, to be tactful and kind, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Little boys are taught to say "No", little girls are taught to say "Oh, that's really nice, I wish I could, maybe some other time?"; and little boys are taught to say "Yes" while little girls are taught to say "Oh, are you sure? I really shouldn't, oh well, I guess if you insist", y'know? We don't need hormones or a collective unconscious to learn that we're not supposed to be straight-forward is asking for what we want and refusing what we don't want.

amp-here

Mar 23, 2013

What you miss....and any sort of empathy for what it is like to be a female.

Certainly not to any PW'd men.

 

"You must be appear virginal in public, and then turn around and be a slut/whore in MY bedroom"

*sigh* Any woman who's not a nun can become dirty with an attractive enough man.  At worst, men overestimate their attractiveness.  Especially if they get lucky once with an attractive woman and then knock down just about any other attractive woman's door figuring "hey, it happened once, it can happen again": and it eventually does, but while annoying several women along the way.  Meanwhile, men will be inconvenienced to have to guess which of many women will put them in the same situation: of dating someone above their league.  

 

  You just don't get it...both sexes lose, it's not a "women are the sole victims" or "men are the sole victims" deal.

 

 

Especially since most women are far less interested in or inclined-to confrontation than men are.

   Bull!  Perhaps you've never experienced a situation where that rare type of woman out of your league who is also very interested in you.  Many experienced men have...and many leave the situation wanting to find a way to repeat it.  Ditto for women.  It's a human thing...you want your next mate to be better than your last.

sfguyyy

Mar 23, 2013

 

Well, or just their own lifetime; when little boys get into confrontations, they're encouraged to speak their minds, to be up-front, even to get a little rough. Little girls are encouraged to be quiet and nice, to let other people have their way, to be tactful and kind, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Little boys are taught to say "No", little girls are taught to say "Oh, that's really nice, I wish I could, maybe some other time?"; and little boys are taught to say "Yes" while little girls are taught to say "Oh, are you sure? I really shouldn't, oh well, I guess if you insist", y'know? We don't need hormones or a collective unconscious to learn that we're not supposed to be straight-forward is asking for what we want and refusing what we don't want.

 

I agree with the details there, but as far as "in their own lifetime" or not, you are making my own point for me.

The reason women are taught that way from birth is precisely because the people teaching them are passing on the collective cultural memory and traditions.

And the people thus taught will again, pass down those cultural traditions and role-models to their own offspring, ad infinitum.

Perhaps we're just disagreeing on semantics or something.

 

Sushibitch

Mar 23, 2013

^Yes, I'm not substantially disagreeing; I just hear the "many generations of ingrained memory and training" argument over-applied, and quite often in a way which doesn't make much sense; for example, to defend that idea that, OK, women are living in a totally different way in the West from the way they lived a hundred years ago, but men can't possibly be expected to catch up in just one generation because they have thousands of years of ingrained training; which is clearly nonsense. We don't carry ancestral memories, and in fact one of the defining characteristics of humans, and one of the reasons we've managed successfully to inhabit pretty much every type of environment on earth, is because we're very very good at adapting, at an individual level. Besides which, if women _have_ changed in the past hundred years, it's daft to suggest that men are unable to do the same.

I guess the reason I specify this is because I don't want to leave room for people to say "Well, it takes many generations to change things, so let's not try"; I think we _can_ change things if we choose to do so, and indeed, we should.

sfguyyy

Mar 24, 2013

 

Yeah, we're not disagreeing. When I make the claims about the millennia of influence, I'm not making them to state inevitability (though I suppose it might look a bit that way when I'm responding to a polemic with a counterbalancing polemic of sorts), just the powerful influence of history and cultural norms. Or the historical, potential influence of all that cultural momentum.

In some contexts it determines almost everything, in others it doesn't.

It's not even been 100 years since women in the USA gained the right to vote.

 

amp-here

Mar 24, 2013

OK, women are living in a totally different way in the West from the way they lived a hundred years ago, but men can't possibly be expected to catch up in just one generation because they have thousands of years of ingrained training;

 

  Agreed, that's baloney.  Part of evolution is improvement, adapting rather than following a carbon copy of your ancestors' ingrained training.   Why would "getting a little rough" help improve matters?  It's a huge thing that not only do men get wrong, but both men and women compound the problem by mocking men who fail to do just that. 

 

 

Little girls are encouraged to be quiet and nice, to let other people have their way, to be tactful and kind, to avoid hurting anyone's feelings.


   Who's to say either sex has the ideal solution, though?  Many problems, from people wasting time they could be doing something productive to putting efforts into something already considered null and void, to catty exclusion (e.g. saying something is OK to someone and then punishing them by not inviting them), to Rape and drug use (often caused or spurred on by not being able to "just say no") are all negative qualities of the above.  Ditto for women's failure to be assertive in workplace positions such as CEOs. 

   Why is there anything wrong with being straightforward if it's not doing so in such a way as to attempt to start a fight?

  I don't see why it would be a bad thing otherwise.  Also, why would it save more feelings in the long-run, and not end up causing more hurt feelings when the other person finds out they've been being lied to the whole time?

   Sure, it's common-knowledge to do so, but what's so useful about it?

 

Besides which, if women _have_ changed in the past hundred years, it's daft to suggest that men are unable to do the same.

   How have women changed, other than being held back, unable to speak/vote...in so many avenues in in the past?  How do we know what's the result of women changing vs. simply being given a chance to voice themselves more fairly.   On the flip-side, I think it's possible for any human of any race/sex/orientation...to quickly change social behaviors, provided they are not mocked or punished for doing so.

Sushibitch

Mar 25, 2013

On the flip-side, I think it's possible for any human of any race/sex/orientation...to quickly change social behaviors, provided they are not mocked or punished for doing so.

Yes, this was exactly the point of my comment; I get the feeling you've completely missed that.

amp-here

Mar 25, 2013

^ I was playing devil's advocate there and agree with your point.

gushgush99

Mar 27, 2013

Does that mean casual sex is then some sort of guarantee? 

MsOtis

Mar 27, 2013

lol.

OP, I can see you're a bit frustrated with the idea that girls may not be as forthright (for whatever reason) about whether they're available for a one-night stand.

But I also read other forums, and saw your thread for Sex without Condoms, and one about your date cancelling before the first date, when you were already falling in love with her.

I get this sense that you are in a hurry. Whatever the reason, being in a hurry, wanting to cut through the b/s to get to the end result, practically falling in love before you even meet, may be sense by your prospective dates, through the words you write and the sentiments you express. I recommend slowing down.

You can get better results here, with absolutely no changes at all to the available categories, if you work on confidence and better messages.

Check out ExtremeDating's thread in the Success/Failure forum for some advice.

NextTimer

Mar 27, 2013

I don't look for one time stands, but some girls do, and I'd like to filter them out you know. 

MsOtis

Mar 27, 2013

^ just for reference, in the States they're generally called 'one night stands.'

Most girls don't like to even check 'casual dating,' for fear it will be misunderstood. Just eliminate that choice, and only look for girls looking for short-term or long-term dating. 

Are you a US citizen?

NextTimer

Mar 27, 2013

not yet, just a green card

I know how it's called and I didn't create this topic to discuss my search for someone or my issues, I created it just to talk about the possibility of a new option, nothing else

MsOtis

Mar 27, 2013

^ great. Good luck getting a date.

cris_for_u17

Mar 27, 2013

OP's one of those dumb bright eyed foreigners from some back water place where public health is not a concept.

Apparently the concept of free dating sites is also different elsewhere.

 

Bump.

NextTimer

Mar 27, 2013

^

yeah, troll harder 

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