Lav3nd3r

Aug 6, 2013

I'd like to hear how men feel about women making the first contact. 

And, if you're contacted by a woman who's less than your ideal, how do you decide what to do? What would make you ignore the message or take a chance and write back?

I'm wondering, too, if there's a generational thing. (I'm 50.) I'm hoping to hear from guys in my age zone and/or comments on whether you think age makes a difference to attitudes.

ThisOpenFist

Aug 6, 2013

I see nothing wrong with a woman making the first move. However, I'll probably cut it off if I see something I don't like right away. Already happened to me once. There was a huge gap between our personal interests and lifestyles, and I have no idea how she didn't see it.

 

On the other hand, she is the only woman to actually send me a message so far. It just doesn't happen very often.

DiscoJer

Aug 6, 2013

Well, the main thing is, did she actually write me, or some random guy on the internet?

I mean, did she email me because we have common interests, or likes something about me, or is she desperate and just emailing any guys she doesn't find overly objectionable or she thinks will be desperate enough to write back?

Unfortunately, I think for most men, it's the latter experience.I guess some men do reply to that, but honestly, it's better to be lonely than with someone who is with you just because they are lonely, too.

So anyway, to answer your question, if you find a guy on the site that you genuinely find interesting and would like to know him, then yes, by all means email him.

But if you are just looking for a warm body, don't.

ThisOpenFist

Aug 6, 2013

DiscoJer said it way better than I did.

Shinzenbi

Aug 6, 2013

Apparently, there's some sort of cultural more' or something that says that 'the man is supposed to contact the woman and not the other way around' - but that is artificial, arbitrary, and to use a technical term, "bullshit."

 

Anyone should be able to contact anyone, freely, and it doesn't have to mean anything other than that person wanted to.

 

I write to people I want to, and if someone wants to write to me and does, then I respect that person for having the illusion of free will and acting on it.

 

Why the fuck not, right?

Lav3nd3r

Aug 7, 2013

Thanks guys. 

Interesting that the topic went straight to people who send random notes. I get *a lot* of those and I ignore them -- 10 words or less with no personal touch.

When I write to a man, I make my note a few sentences long & comment directly on at least a couple of things he said in his profile and the connections I see to my life, so he can tell that I've read it and am genuinely expressing an interest. 

Sadly, I usually get ignored. I'm wondering how much of it is demographic -- that in my age group it's not good form for the woman to ask the man (that was true in high school!) -- and also that available women outnumber available men, so they've got their pick.

ThisOpenFist

Aug 7, 2013

Try messaging some men who are in their 20s.

Myster_Z

Aug 7, 2013

It's the women who do the choosing in my opinion, so when a woman messages me it feels more natural than me messaging her first... In my opinion anyway.

I always respond if it's a genuine comment/question or something funny.

Here are a few examples of girls contacting me and seeing where it goes...

Scenario 1 (not interested in this girl from the start):

Chick: I wouldn't even bother dating anyone if I were u... I would just stay home and look at myself in the mirror and go to town! U look like Johnny depp!!! But hotter than he is currently... Congrats

Me: haha. Yeah, I get that often. thanks for the compliment. Sometimes I just make out with myself in the mirror :P

Chick: :)

Scenario 2 (not interested in this girl from the start):

Chick: lovvvvvve your profile, pun intended, lol! ps, I've actually seen a ghost

Me: Haha. You lucky thing! ❤ you!

Chick: actually, my dog saw it first,i just pointed the camera in the direction she was barking and caught it on film, pretty kewl

Scenario 3 (not interested in this girl from the start):

Chick: Hi! what science/tech ind do you work in?

(I didn't reply to this... it was too bland of a question...)

Scenario 4 (not interested in this girl from the start):

Chick: Hi. Good morning

(Boring! Didn't respond to this.)

Scenario 5 (REALLY interested in this girl from the start):

Chick: every time I come across your profile I seem to check it out & realize it's the same person I checked out before. So thought I'd stop & something this time...

Something. 

Me: Well, then stop stalking me please. XD

Weirdo.

I'm just messin, I remember looking over your profile actually, but you seem way too cool for me. Is that a handstand dance move? fuck me, I can't compete with that.

Chick: hahahahah. No competing necessary

(We then went back and forth for like 10 messages until I realized she was a Christian and so I just didn't respond after that. I don't date religious women, even though I was really attracted to this girl! Wah wah waaah).

 

Hope this helps! GL ;)

suntzu56

Aug 7, 2013

No problem with it. In my opinion it shows a little bit of aggressiveness, which is a turn on for me. 

_norbu_

Aug 7, 2013

^^ There goes my theory that handsome guys never learn how to be charming because they don't need to be. I'm not jelly, though, I'd rather see more excellence in the world than the lack of it for whatever reason. Keep up the good work.

khb17

Aug 7, 2013

It's the women who do the choosing in my opinion

...

[five examples of women sending the first message but not being chosen for a date]

Huh.

MisterCreep

Aug 7, 2013

I think he meant women do the choosing unless a baller like Myster_Z is involved. ; )

Myster_Z

Aug 7, 2013

Huh.

I would have definitely asked girl number 5 out for a drink if not for her being religious.

Not gonna lie though, a girls physical appearance is what pulls me in, and then it's a good personality and conversation that keeps me there. I've lost count of all the hot airheads I've stopped talking to.

I've had girls message me with things like "Hey, you're really cute" and if I'm interested in them physically I'll reply back... Shit, I'd reply to a "hi" if I'm really attracted to the girl.. and then I'll take it from there. 

There isn't really any secret formula. Either the guy likes what he sees or he doesn't. This is all my opinion anyway. I'm sure there are exceptions...

 

gl ;)

 

^^ There goes my theory that handsome guys never learn how to be charming because they don't need to be. I'm not jelly, though, I'd rather see more excellence in the world than the lack of it for whatever reason. Keep up the good work.

Thanks. I try! ;)

I think he meant women do the choosing unless a baller like Myster_Z is involved. ; )

Ballller! haha. jkn. I do get rejected A LOT... but I also get the green light a lot too... it's the getting accepted part that I choose to focus on... 

The more you focus on the positive, the more positive results you get in life, the more you focus on the rejection you just end up turning into a bitter twisted dude who watches animal porn...haha

Every little rejection is just one step closer to finding the right lady. I've been rejected by a girl only to be accepted by an even better girl the next day... some times you strike out, sometimes you hit a home run.

The trick is to keep stepping up to the plate and swinging... Sometimes the ball comes to you, sometimes it beams you in the fuckin head! haha.

I'm an actor in Hollywood, so I get rejected 9 times out of 10 for roles, probably why I have such a thick skin when it comes to rejection...

Do your best, forget the rest! ;)

gl 

Lav3nd3r

Aug 7, 2013

LOL -- learning lots!

Mathman1ca

Aug 7, 2013

I'd like to hear how men feel about women making the first contact. 

Go for it. There is a whole philosophy about sexual dynamics, but the risk involved in this site is so tiny compared to the prospective reward that you can make the most irrational decision at the very beginning with no negative ramifications. 

And, if you're contacted by a woman who's less than your ideal, how do you decide what to do? What would make you ignore the message or take a chance and write back?

On this website I am MASSIVELY picky... far more so than IRL. Reason being, in IRL you can develop a connection while on this site all you have is scrutiny. On the plus side I am almost completely undesirable according to the utter lack of first messages I receive, so the few women that do message me first almost instantly invalidate themselves as prospects (e.g. txt mssging ovr email). I don't have to fear rejection because fear emerges from doubt, and I have little doubt that my messages won't be responded to. 

I'm wondering, too, if there's a generational thing. (I'm 50.) I'm hoping to hear from guys in my age zone and/or comments on whether you think age makes a difference to attitudes.

Though I am not in your age zone, I can assure you that age certainly makes a different. Biological imperative is real, and men have a propensity for sexually desiring relatively young women who have perky, curvy parts and smooth skin and what not. It's not a moral issue as nature does not concern itself with matters of ethics.   

Kair

Aug 8, 2013

The fact that you even have to ask men how we feel about being contacted by women is proof that we live in a sexist society where it's assumed that it's the guy who should be doing the contacting. How do I feel about being contacted? The same way you would feel: Excited if you're messaged by someone you're attracted to. Indifferent, if you're messaged by someone you're not attracted to. There's really not much more to say about that.

Myster_Z

Aug 9, 2013

^ Well said. 

ultramafic_

Aug 10, 2013

^^ See? Cake dude knows it. Cake is good food.

MisterCreep

Aug 11, 2013

The fact that you even have to ask men how we feel about being contacted by women is proof that we live in a sexist society where it's assumed that it's the guy who should be doing the contacting.

I don't think a gender norm is necessarily "sexist". If a man asked a question about how women feel about guys in skirts (because it violates perceived gender norms), would that mean our society is sexist too? Is it sexist that it's assumed that it's usually the girls who get to wear the skirts? The gender norm has to be clearly discriminatory for it to constitute "proof" of sexism (but obviously I would agree we live in a sexist society anyways).

@OP, in general, I think some guys get off on chasing so when a girl makes their life easier (i.e. by messaging first), it can sometimes make him less attracted. But I think most of us will agree, we like getting messaged first by girls we are interested in and even if we aren't interested, still enjoy the flattery of getting a message. In the long run you are probably much better off being proactive by messaging men you are interested in than just waiting around to see if they message you first.

Mathman1ca

Aug 12, 2013

I don't think a gender norm is necessarily "sexist". 

What the what?

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