When considering potential matches, would their being overweight be a dealbreaker?

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ActivistWoman

Jun 9, 2008

Being overweight myself, of course I would say NO, but there are circumstances where I would say YES. I am one of those (billions) who are trying to improve their health and get my weight to a more (average) number. ***The average number in America (for women) is 175-180 or a size 16-18, by the way-which is technically considered overweight by the medical field...so???  I would much rather be in that average category than a bag of bones who is miserable over a number. I think personality and compatibility are much more important in a relationship over looks...That being said, I also think looks or chemistry are very important as well. I think there are always positives (or beauty) to see in other people no matter what, unless you are a pessimistic person who always searches out the negative, and in those cases the personality usually matches the outlook. Anyone who judges me purely on my being overweight without even knowing me or speaking to me doesnt deserve to know me anyway...I dont want that type of person in my life bringing me down. LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO {YOU} ARE, ALWAYS STRIVE TO IMPROVE YOURSELF AND GO ANOTHER STEP AND NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE WITHOUT FIRST KNOWING THEM.

chrisatpittlaw

Jun 9, 2008

Anyway: "technically considered overweight by the medical field" - your answer is right there.  It's okay to be whatever weight you want.  But people really do delude themselves by thinking it's healthy - if their primary care health provider tells them it isn't.  Now, if you want to disregard the doctor's advice, that's of course your prerogative.

Also: plenty of people are neither "bags of bones" nor "miserable over a number."  Being overweight is unhealthy; being underweight is unhealthy.  And average needs to be determined on a case-by-case basis between a doctor and a patient.

Now, I'll reiterate - I agree that there are positives in people and I agree that you've got the right to self-determine how your body looks. 

But unlike skin color or height, weight is something that people do judge other people, and I think it's a valid judgment: one can reasonably infer someone's lifestyle, eating habits, and perhaps self-control based on how overweight they are.

(Btw, @bbw: kudos on wanting to get healthy for you and not for anyone else.)

also (dunno how out of date this information is, but 180 and size 16-18 seemed really high to me):  According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the average U.S. woman is 5' 3.7 (162 centimeters) tall and weighs 152 pounds (69 kilograms). This corresponds to a Body Mass Index of 26.3 kilograms/meters², which is slightly less than the average man's.

nightingalefqp

Jun 9, 2008

i myself would prefer someone who's average. i care for what i look like, that is average so it means my matches would also be within average weight. no one can ever say that you dont care about the looks, hello its the first thing you see- appearance and see if there is attraction or connection. its a basic thing to consider but its not about everything, the total personality of the person counts more.

ActivistWoman

Jun 9, 2008

you might be right...average could be a bit smaller than I stated. I think the stats you got from the DHHS are outdated by a few years and it might be closer to 160-170 and a size 14.

Either way, with the height of the average woman, that is still considered overweight according to our government, but I agree that it should be determined on a case-by-case basis.

to respond to...and I think it's a valid judgment: one can reasonably infer someone's lifestyle, eating habits, and perhaps self-control based on how overweight they are....

I agree with some points here however, I think more importantly (and in my case) it has much more to do with WHY overweight people eat. A person can just be lazy and love food and be content with themselves and that lifestyle and there are many out there who fall into this category...just go to any buffet-style joint and look around. {I have not stepped foot in one of these establishments for several years now}

...OR people could have addictions or compulsions to eating and/or poor nutritional knowledge. People may have been brought up a particular way or {taught} how and why to eat (for the wrong reasons and not out of genuine hunger) such as my case.

Now, I consciously realize these errors in thought or (brainwashing as I like to call it) and it is very hard to go against what you have always known, done and followed. It was a normal reflex for me to eat before, but now I have to question and fight my normal instincts when it comes to eating.

I know I ate to supress my feelings-push them back down inside (where I thought they belonged). I ate out of fear too. I was sexually abused as a child and as I grew up I realized that being overweight was not a desirable feature, so I began to eat...(to build a physical barrier against anyone who wanted to harm me)...and of course-I have many relationship issues with men because of it...the difference between me and the thousands of others out there in the same boat is that I am aware of it. I ate out of boredom, anger, sadness, lonliness, and happiness, as I suspect many, many people do....but they are not consciously aware of it...yet.

Food is a central theme for almost any get-together or celebration in the United States too, so its used for other purposes rather than to fuel our bodies.

So, to consciously stop and think each and every time you are about to put something in your mouth... is kind of mentally draining, and yes, self-control is the issue. It is a complete 180 in thinking...and then there is the matter of exercise, which I wont get started on now.

Lastly, the fast food industry thrives off sending out messages of good times and no-worries in every commercial, billboard and radio ad they put out there...which is pretty much everywhere you look and everything you hear. It is a constant battle to ignore what is being forced down your throat (no pun intended) and unless you lose your hearing and sight, it always will be that way.

Personally, I know what I have to do and what my reasons and battles are, and I am working on those issues. However, I still dont think it is right to judge anyone based solely on weight until you know why.

I want to lose weight to be more healthy, live longer and make everday life tasks easier. I also want to look better and feel better about myself. Image is important to me but I am NOT doing it to fit in, find a man, or impress anyone....sorry for the long rant..I got carried away there...... :)                    Jamie-Lynn

wimsey70

Jun 9, 2008

There are a lot of complex factors that lead to people being overweight, and distilling it down to "she's a fat slob who stuffs her face with chips and ice cream all day" is ignorant and short-sighted.  There are many cultural and societal factors involved, including a sprawling suburban situation that requires everyone to spend hours daily in their cars, an economic requirement for two-income families, the fact that prepared foods are unhealthy and restaurant portion sizes are out of control, and on.

There have also been some recent studies that question the link between being overweight and health issues.  I'm not talking gross obesity here, but your typical person judged "overweight" by society.  In addition, the US BMI-based system is hugely flawed (Brad Pitt, for example, is "overweight").

Also, the assumption that slim is equivalent to healthy is patently false.  There are lots of slim people who are simply young with good metabolisms, but get no exercise and eat like total crap, and there are many people who are overweight, who do exercise and maintain a good diet.

All in all, my point is that distilling it down to "fat people are lazy" is stupid.  And judging someone for being overweight when you're 21 years old with a good metabolism is idiotic.

niksf

Jun 9, 2008

I think it's unkind to judge people in general by weight, but with regard to a "potential match" as the question says, sexual attraction is the relevant item here. I have plenty of good friends who are overweight, but I can't see myself in a sexual relationship with a large person (even a large-muscled person). I'm just into more guys with slender builds. That said, I've read conflicting things about overweight as a single condition with a single set of health consequences. Some people are just heavier than others, and I've read that where the fat is, and how your metabolism works, are big factors for health risk. I don't remember the details, but it was something about internal body fat (like around your organs) vs. subcutaneous fat, one was way worse than the other. Does anybody know any more about that?
JMStarling

Jun 10, 2008

I tend to be attracted to more slender girls.  A pot belly wouldn't put me off, but a really large girl simply would not be attractive to me unless she had the height to match it.  I mean, my ideal would probably be 5'10"-6', slender, and B cup, but many women who fit that description I don't find terribly attractive, and many women at quite a deviance from that I do find attractive.  It's called gestalt.

humbugunlimited

Jun 10, 2008

My BF's belly does his posting for him.

Err, anyway. Overweight? Fine, looks good on some people and ugly on others. Obese? Not attractive.

somedaynd

Jun 11, 2008

The key to being able to accept another person as a lover who is overweight must be if their personality match is quality enough to make it tolerable, and if they are willing to work on becoming healthier, with my support.  My last partner was morbidly obese, but I thought he was the one, so was willing to help him return to health.  In the last year and a half he lost 80 lbs largely from my dietary and exercise suggestions learned in Naturopathic Medical School (plus his own commitment of course).  Unfortunately, he also decided to join the Harry Krishnas, unilaterally decided to never have kids, and got scared shitless of commitment one week after finally convincing me to move my stuff into his place.  After all that effort and trying to act enthusiastic in bed with droopy rolls of blubber, I wouldn't mind making passionate love to a nice normal bodied person again!  I'd date another overweight person again, but only if they don't try to force their cult on me and are at least somewhat emotionally stable.

inmortal75

Jun 11, 2008

I think the question was self answered:

I realized that being overweight was not a desirable feature, so I began to eat...(to build a physical barrier

 

Personally I am an active person, and prefer to be with a person w/whom I can do outdoor activities with. Dont know of any 200+ pound women who can mountain bike 20miles.

calandale1

Jun 11, 2008

I tend to like very thin.

So yeah. What goes for

'average' would likely be a

deal-breaker.

teddakine

Jun 11, 2008

Morbidly obese, probably not.

30-50 pounds overweight?   

Depends how she carries herself; her grooming habits, style of dress, attitude, smile.  All the same things that would attract me to a woman who isn't overweight.

 

 

 

8thDimension

Jun 11, 2008

"The average number in America (for women) is 175-180 or a size 16-18"

Holy crap, I hope not. That's not even close to healthy. That has got to be a BMI of 30+.

I'd date a woman with a few extra pounds, as long as it really was a few extra pounds. No way I would date an obese woman. I did that before, and it just didn't work out. I couldn't stay attracted to her as I watched her shovel ice cream into her face at two o'clock in the morning. Hell, I had to ask her to put more clothes on sometimes. It was that bad. On top of everything else, she had self esteem issues revolving around her weight, and she would get snippy with me if she thought I was noticing her fat. Personality is nice and all, but without attraction, it just isn't enough.

I spend a lot of time planning what I should eat, and I exercise regularly. I don't eat within three hours of bed, even if it means some slight hunger pangs. I'm willing to put the work in and that's really what I'd like to see in a partner (assuming they are not already in optimal shape.)

calandale1

Jun 11, 2008

At 175 lbs, she'd better be at least 6 foot tall,

and built like a linebacker. :P

atomicturtle

Jun 11, 2008

When considering potential matches, would their being overweight be a dealbreaker?

Of course it would. Why would anyone willingly date someone that's unattractive?

cmejennie

Jun 14, 2008

"ANRED, affiliated with the National Eating Disorders Association, notes that half of teen girls are on or think they need to be on diets. The average woman is 5'4" tall, weighs 145 lbs. with a dress size of 11 to 14, has a 36-37" bust, is about 29" around the waist and close to 40" around the hips. ANRED compares these measurements with Barbie and the average mannequin. A mannequin, for instance, averages 6', and is a size 6, with a 34" bust, a 23" waist and 34" at the hips." Source

Interesting thing about that... When I was 23 I was 5'5", a size 6 and 145.
I guess that's proof that some women carry it differently.

I had jury duty last week. Going to a court room on the 4th floor I took the stairs, and at a pretty quick pace. I beat the other's that took the stiars too (most I'm guessing were at least 15 years younger than me, thinner, and half were guys). I also did this carrying a bag that weighed at least 20 pounds over one shoulder. 2 PM and all I'd had to eat at that point was a no-fat, decaf, no whip mocha.
By the time we sat down in the court room my pulse had returned to normal. The woman next to me had taken the elevator and huffed and puffed the entire time we were there.

Would somebody PLEASE tell me again how it's only diet, excercise and self control, my ass doesn't seem to understand that's what I've been doing for the last 25 years.

Military4Life

Jun 17, 2008

It's not that I don't like obese,I feel like people should want to take care of themself and want to live a healthy life. We all have choices and suffer the out come of those choices
JMStarling

Jun 17, 2008

lalizarde

Aug 15, 2008

8thDimension:

"The average number in America (for women) is 175-180 or a size 16-18"

Holy crap, I hope not. That's not even close to healthy. That has got to be a BMI of 30+.

What BMI it is depends on the height.  And whether or not that's healthy depends on the study you're looking at.

I'd date a woman with a few extra pounds, as long as it really was a few extra pounds. No way I would date an obese woman. I did that before, and it just didn't work out. I couldn't stay attracted to her as I watched her shovel ice cream into her face at two o'clock in the morning. Hell, I had to ask her to put more clothes on sometimes.

You did what???

That is emotional abuse, pure and simple.

It was that bad. On top of everything else, she had self esteem issues revolving around her weight, and she would get snippy with me if she thought I was noticing her fat.

I imagine she would.  A thin girl who had a teeny timy pot belly she thought you judged her for would also get snippy with you as well.

Personality is nice and all, but without attraction, it just isn't enough.

And without either...

Bebeebaby

Aug 15, 2008

CMEJeanie:

Interesting thing about that... When I was 23 I was 5'5", a size 6 and 145.
I guess that's proof that some women carry it differently.

 

Wow!  When I was 23, I was 5' 5", a size 6 and 115 pounds!!

Now I am still 5'5" (go figure), a size 10, and I weigh 150-155 pounds.  My numbers are almost the same as the original poster mentioned for a size 14.  Dear god!  If I wore a size 14 at this weight it would be so not right!

Of course, I exercise a lot so more muscle than some people at my weight, but that is still a huge descrepency,  As CMEJeanie said, we all carry it very differently. My weight is pretty evenly distributed.  Where did you carry your weight CME, that you could fit into a six at almost the weight I am now? (your ankles?)

As to the dating thing....I have tried.  I really have, to date slightly overweight people.  But my chemistry seems to fizz with slender to athletic builds and only that.  Sex is too important to mess with that.

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