Buellerinabox

May 26, 2013

Just curious if it's smart to put some red flags of yours in your profile such as non smoker, alcohol free, work full time etc? Or is that limiting it to much?

 

M_ss_ng-L_nk

May 26, 2013

Do you have so many women lined up that you need to filter some of them out by their smoking, drinking and working habits? If so, then yeah, "red flag" away.

Explanation you're looking for: women don't give a flip about those attributes. If they don't like your photos, profile and (most importantly) your messages, then no amount of goody-two-shoesing is going to get you any closer to their ovaries.

khb17

May 26, 2013

If it works, it's for completely different reasons than what you expect.

People read your profile to learn about you.  Saying that you don't want a relationship with a woman who smokes is only a small piece of information about you - but how you say it says a lot about you, and about how you look at people who are different from yourself.  Are you empathetic, tolerant, apologetic, indifferent, demanding, scornful, disgusted...?  That's what people will be gleaning from your "red flags."

M_ss_ng-L_nk

May 26, 2013

^ And good luck nailing the one right attitude out of seven. If you weigh in on all three of those "flags," that'd be a 1/343 chance of getting all three correct. Unless you're getting AT LEAST 343 visits per week, I'd say it's a losing proposition.

Better to be mysterious. Women love mysteries A LOT more than guys who shoot themselves in the foot.

Buellerinabox

May 26, 2013

??

So your saying take off the no smokers and drinkers etc etc? The reason I say this is because I just met a lady the other day. She was nice and all but 1 she smoked 2 not really much for a job and well a few other things that just didn't match up with me. I think mostly the smoking and no job turned me off the most.

 

M_ss_ng-L_nk

May 26, 2013

Look on the bright side: you enjoyed an opportunity to polish up your social skills and chose to turn her down. The alternative would have been to receive no message/reply and have no choice. Is that really ideal?

The next one might smoke or have a shitty job, too, but also be a really cool person who you'd be willing to overlook these flaws for. But if you go dissing smokers and blue-collars, you'll never even get to meet her, online or in person. Perhaps she'll even be a non-smoker with a good job, but dislike the particular way you've expressed these prejudices.

Unless your inbox is filling up and you don't have time to waste on these frivolous pursuits, I'd suggest enjoying the ride and conversing with as many women as possible. It doesn't hurt to stick your toe into the waters before you go diving off the deep end.

Scrubtastic

May 26, 2013

OP, that's a pretty good question. It depends on what you're looking for.

If it's a serious relationship and you know some things will be an issue later down the road, you should definitely mention it off the get go.

If you're looking for short-term/casual/friends, leave it out.

beingme22

May 27, 2013

OP: I don't like cigarette smoke and a grown woman who doesn't have a job isn't the most appealing thing in the world. But, I think that once a man reaches 30, he needs to reevaluate his standards. If the woman is (a) physically attractive, (b) nice and (c) does things that make you feel special, you shouldn't worry about the rest. How much longer do you think you'll have options to be choosy (if that time hasn't already passed w/o your knowing it)? 

I would def say, take that stuff off of your profile. You don't want to chase off "Miss Right" with these kinds of things. I'll bet, for the right girl, you'd put up with a whole lot more. And if that's not the case, the issue might not be her so much as it is you.

Buellerinabox

May 27, 2013

Ok I think I took it off....

If you all want you can double check it. :)

 

Invisible_Hand

May 27, 2013

I don't see the point. Profiles with exclusions and negative content are a major turn-off for me. If you don't want to meet people with those traits, don't. You don't need to use your profile to tell them you don't want them in the first place. Heck, I don't even see much point in saying what you're looking for in a person. Just send messages to the people you like who have all the traits you want. 

onelongshot

May 30, 2013

Women judge you on your pics first, then your ability to provide material possessions to them (i.e., job, career, etc.), and finally, women judge you on your grammar usage and punctuation.

This formula that I'm giving you is fairly accurate, so do whatever you can to mold your profile to these expectations, and you should be alright.  The red flags you are asking about are meaningless.  Note! This is only for online-dating.  In the real world, the rules are a bit different.

Sushibitch

May 31, 2013

Generally, you're better off using your profile to attract the people you do want to meet, rather than using it to put off the people you don't want. Internet dating is not like online shopping; you're not putting n an order for the perfect partner to be delivered to your door, it's about showing off the best bits of your personality in order to start conversations. If you find yourself in conversation with someone you're not interested n, you move on to the next one, and no harm is done.

So I would say no, don't talk about those deal-breakers in your profile; you can answer match questions on them, and mark them as high priority in order to make sure they are counted in your compatibility ratings, but unless you're inundated with messages from women you wouldn't consider, don't bother saying "No smokers". What you can do is talk about enjoying a healthy lifestyle, and mention that you're keen to meet someone to share that with, for example, which puts across the same message but in a much more positive light.

empirestv007

May 31, 2013

By listing your red flags you could be push away those who don't even have those flags, because maybe they think you're too strict, serious, judgmental, etc.  Better not to have them public, and when someone does come around that does have a red flag you can dismiss that person privately with messages.  Since, men tend to be the one's who send out the messages it is all too easy to look at their match questions and see if they have any of those red flags before you message them.  

missdewey

Jun 5, 2013

Generally, you're better off using your profile to attract the people you do want to meet, rather than using it to put off the people you don't want. 

^This is all that needs to be said.

khb17

Jun 5, 2013

unless you're inundated with messages from women you wouldn't consider, don't bother saying "No smokers". What you can do is talk about enjoying a healthy lifestyle, and mention that you're keen to meet someone to share that with, for example, which puts across the same message but in a much more positive light.

I don't disagree with the idea in general, but I'm not sure this is the best example of it.

To me, "I'm looking for someone to share my healthy lifestyle with" reads very much like "I'll give you a hard time if you ever start to gain weight."

"No smokers" sounds harsh and demanding, but "I have allergies that make it hard for me to be around cigarette smoke, so please don't message me if you smoke" is much better.  (Or, you can just not message smokers or answer messages from smokers.  That works too.)

Tulefel

Jun 5, 2013

but 1 she smoked 2 not really much for a job and well a few other things that just didn't match up with me. I think mostly the smoking and no job turned me off the most.

 

I’m guessing here that you met someone from a dating site. And it looks for me like you had no pre-date communication. Otherwise, it would be quite easy to ask her a few questions, especially on matters that are of great importance for you.

 

As to “red flags”… I never saw a profile there red flags didn’t make a negative impression.

 

Invisible_Hand

Jun 5, 2013

To me, "I'm looking for someone to share my healthy lifestyle with" reads very much like "I'll give you a hard time if you ever start to gain weight."

But what if that's true and you prefer relationships with people who also give themselves a hard time if they gain weight, and thus don't gain weight?

khb17

Jun 5, 2013

But what if that's true and you prefer relationships with people who also give themselves a hard time if they gain weight, and thus don't gain weight?

Well, that's not actually how human bodies work, for one.

Invisible_Hand

Jun 5, 2013

Really, people who put effort into not gaining weight don't not gain weight?

_norbu_

Jun 5, 2013

As to “red flags”… I never saw a profile there red flags didn’t make a negative impression.

What about saying you dislike *things* rather than people? For example, I mentioned that I refuse to watch Judd Apatow movies.

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