abtre8509

Feb 3, 2013

I've been on this site for a while. While I do have a lot of profile views, "checking you out" emails, and emails saying girls gave me 4 or 5 stars on the quickmatch, I haven't had much luck at all. If a girl who views me or gives me a 4-5 start on quickmatch, and I find her interesting, I will message her. But a lot of the time I never get any response. I even had girls who made me their favorites, and I didn't get any response from them! I don't get it.  I also message girls I find interesting by browsing through the matches, but I get the same results. 

Is there anything I could do to make my profile better?? Thanks

Sushibitch

Feb 3, 2013

It sounds as though the problem may not be your profile, since you're getting highly rated. It would be worth posting an example or two of the kind of message you're sending, as there may be room for improvement there?

abtre8509

Feb 3, 2013

Here is an example of a recent message: I always point out something that they said in their profile..

Hi, 

I came across your profile and really liked what you had to say about yourself. I think we share a bit in common! 

That's awesome that you've been to Europe 7 times! I haven't been there yet, but I want to go within the next few years. What countries have you been to there? What countries do you want to go to when you visit again? 

Hope to hear from you soon! 

Anthony

Sushibitch

Feb 3, 2013

OK, some general advice;

Don't tell the person you're messaging anything they already know or can figure out for themselves. That whole first bit doesn't really tell her anything new or interesting; she knows from the fact that you're messaging her that you saw her profile and liked what you saw, so the beginning of your message isn't going to grab her attention; you cold leave out the whole first bit.

Also, I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but avoid compliments in a first message; at best they come off as a bit puppyish. Instead, start a conversation, as equals. You say you think you have a lot in common with this woman, but instead of talking about any of the common ground, you've picked on something you don't have in common; she's been to Europe, and you haven't. A better start would be to show her that you're a fun and interesting guy to chat to, and make an actual connection. Asking which countries she's been to and which she wants to go to isn't going to be fun to answer; you've asked her for a list of countries. Instead of asking about facts, you're better off asking about opinions, because most people enjoy talking about their opinions of things they're passionate about. And really, in a first message, the best thing you can do is get her to _want_ to reply to you, so making that easy and fun is your best bet.

khb17

Feb 3, 2013

What strikes me about that message is how generic it is.  It could have been written by anybody at all.  It does absolutely nothing to set you apart from all the other guys trying to get her attention.

A first message has two goals: You want to express your interest in her, but you also want to inspire her to take an interest in you.  Maybe you think you do that in your profile - but you need to pique her interest enough with your message to get her to click through to your profile.

The "what countries have you been to?" question in this context comes across as something you don't really care about, but only asked because you felt you had to come up with a question to get her to write back to you.  It's good to ask questions, but try asking yourself "what do I actually want to know about this person?" rather than "what's the first obvious question that comes to mind from the information in her profile?"

Professor712

Feb 3, 2013

abtre8509, you have to take into account everything when getting replies back, and I agree with Sushibitch and khb17 - your messages are too generic. 

When I got here I couldn't get a reply for the life of me - now its pretty easy. The differences is trying to understand the lady behind the profile, understand you aren't the only one messaging her, understand that people do get busy and patience is required, avoiding generic or obvious messages - try to appeal to the lady behind the profile in a appealing to her manner when you message her, and I am sure some more things.

M_ss_ng-L_nk

Feb 3, 2013

I've had near 100% success with accusatory messages. Put the lady on the defensive, and she'll feel compelled to vindicate herself to you; this is far more engaging than an ignorable "hey, how are ya?" style message, instantly sets you apart from the crowd and (if done properly) is ballsy as hell.

 

Whatever you do, ditch all those exclamation marks... cool cat > over excited puppy.

WithAllIHave

Feb 3, 2013

Now perhaps an example of how somebody would approach the woman he's messaged themselves for clarification would help no?

Sushibitch

Feb 4, 2013

^ We can't do that without knowing who she is though.

pseupseudio

Feb 4, 2013

^3 do not take this advice.

unless you think of yourself as the sort of soulless asshole who views women as prizes and toys

in which case it is -really good- advice, and effective.

 

M_ss_ng-L_nk

Feb 4, 2013

^ There's a big difference between being ballsy and being a "soulless asshole." I don't mean you should neg them right off the bat; rather, you should feign misinterpretation so that she'll have a reason to correct/clarify you/herself, and (ideally) you should do so in such a way that makes your feign obvious (i.e., ballsy as opposed to dickish).

 

Don't assume that one must view women as "toys" in order to have some fun and toy around. We all like being toyed and played with, so long as it's all in good fun; that's precisely what intellectual interaction is all about!

pseupseudio

Feb 5, 2013

"put the lady on the defensive" is a dickish approach, no matter how you dress it up.

abtre8509

Feb 5, 2013

I do agree with you, my messages did seem too generic. I'm going to start to individually point out specific things about any profile I visit. I think I will have a better shot of getting a response.

Sushibitch

Feb 5, 2013

^ You'd be better off just chatting about something on someone's profile than pointing it out; she wrote her profile so she already knows what's in it!

khb17

Feb 5, 2013

^^Again, "pointing out specific things" in the profile is something anyone could do.  All it says about you is that you know how to read.  When you message someone, you need to do more than prove that you've read her profile.  You need to convince her that you're an interesting person and that she wants to talk to you.

napcross

Feb 5, 2013

Why do you want to go to Europe?  You bring it up in your reply but don't elaborate on it.

M_ss_ng-L_nk

Feb 5, 2013

You need to convince her that you're an interesting person and that she wants to talk to you.

Dunno about that; going by pseups definition, that sounds like kind of a "dickish" move to me. Maybe you'd be more of a gentleman to simply say nothing at all, and instead patiently allow women to approach you by their own volition rather than by putting them on the spot for a response?

May as well chop off your genitals, too, just to make sure women are comfortable with you being in their presence, unburdened by worries of rape.

pseupseudio

Feb 6, 2013

if "putting her on the defensive" is the only way you can think of to convince a woman you're an interesting person, you're not an interesting person.

M_ss_ng-L_nk

Feb 6, 2013

I take an inability to engage in playful debate, without getting one's panties in a bunch, as a sign of intellectual rigidity. I hold women to this same standard.

Perhaps you lack the experience to know this, but smart women typically thrive on challenges. Playing eye games and showering praise upon a psychology PhD isn't liable to get you anywhere relative to challenging her on some anachronistic aspect of her philosophy or research.

If you cannot or do not utilize the full spectrum of human interaction, you're a shallow person.

Sushibitch

Feb 6, 2013

^ Sure, but there's a whole lot of ground between showering someone with praise, and putting them on the defensive, if you're actually putting someone on the defensive, it's probably gone past "playful debate" and into just being an arsehole to try and get a response.

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