rearm-typo

Oct 21, 2013

Over the past week I've returned much of my attention to OKC and worked on my profile a bit.

And although I get messages that girls mutually like me through Quickmatch, I seem to not be getting any other messages, or any replies to my messages (despite putting a lot of time into them).

I suspect there's some horrible flaw in my profile that scares everyone away. Or maybe I'm just ugly? Am I being impatient? Or unlucky?

I did recently add to my profile that I decided to stop messaging girl first, is that my problem? Is it just required that guys send the first message?

Anyhow, if someone could just let me know what I need to change that would be helpful.

Thanks in advance!

squigless

Oct 21, 2013

[no replies to messages] despite putting a lot of time into them

How much time?

rearm-typo

Oct 21, 2013

Depends on the profile but if I had to guess generally 5 minutes, more or less.

I guess that's not so much to complain about.

squigless

Oct 21, 2013

Maybe you're trying too hard. I usually invest 10 or 20 seconds (give or take) to send a sentence or two.

You could always post an example or three for me to shred apart. I guarantee you'd learn something from the experience (besides the fact that I'm a cock).

BiggestCockEver

Oct 21, 2013

It makes me dizzy just seeing the list of places you've been to.

The tiger was my favorite part of your profile.

(p.s. I am also a cock)

BiggestCockEver

Oct 21, 2013

Instead of an intimidating list of all the places you've been, perhaps you should share some of the special experiences and insights that all your travelling has given you.

Even if it's just a story of how you got to lie down with the biggest cat ever.

Sushibitch

Oct 21, 2013

I think a lot of people believe that the more time and effort they put into a message, the higher the likelihood of a reply should be; I suspect that it doesn't actually work like that though. It would be worth posting an example of the kind of messages you're sending, for some feedback.

rearm-typo

Oct 21, 2013

Ok. One person I sent this to:

I've been meaning to go to the Cathedral of Junk since I got to Austin, but something always comes up and I haven't found someone to go with me. Is it as good as it looks?

Another person I sent this to:

- I like your profile, don't change it. 
- What were you doing in India? 
- The sizzle of any food is such a good sound 
- I'd be interested in hearing about your novel since I'm avoiding writing one as well 
- Don't chop off your hair 
- Have you read any Tom Robbins? Thoughts? 
- Film noir films are so good. Seen Brick? 
- Your food list. 
- Cumulus clouds are essential to the imaginations of the world 
- I have Castle in the Sky on dvd. 
- Which Star Trek 
- We have similar dreams 
- I fit all your OkTrends, I would think you fit mine. 

Ok well that's it. Reply to as many as you want, or none at all, either way it was a pleasure reading your profile.

And another:

What brings you so frequently to Morocco? I like that place. 
And I will dominate you at ping pong if you're up for a game.

All three didn't respond. Critique away

sandyvs

Oct 21, 2013

OP, first I read your messages and thought they were all great. Then, I read your profile, and honestly, the only thing that would STOP me from messaging you is the REALLY exciting life you've lived by age twenty-eight. That would be pretty intimidating for me if I was in my twenties and hardly traveled out of the state....I think you're a great guy that would be a blast to do stuff with. I have no suggestions.

rearm-typo

Oct 21, 2013

Thanks, I appreciate the compliment :D

I've heard that before actually... that my profile is too intimidating. But really I completely understand that the majority of the world hasn't traveled like myself and I don't look down on someone just because they haven't even left their country.

So maybe I need to de-intimidate my profile? How do I do that without making myself sound less interesting of a person? Which sounds very narcissistic but I mean it as a serious question.

sandyvs

Oct 21, 2013

Well, just say you love to travel and have traveled quite a bit to other countries. That's what I have in my profile: that I love to travel, in the states as well as other countries.

squigless

Oct 21, 2013

I've been meaning to go to the Cathedral of Junk since I got to Austin, but something always comes up and I haven't found someone to go with me. Is it as good as it looks?

Sounds like you're setting her up for a "wanna go with me?" question, which is a lame pass. I'd drop the emboldened bit; I like ask women out on my terms, straight up, and make no attempts to maneuver for it... AFTER they've proven themselves worthwhile. You're also obliquely implying that you have trouble finding friends/women to do things with you, which is bad for reasons I'm sure I needn't explain.

[Tl;dr list]

Ok well that's it. Reply to as many as you want, or none at all, either way it was a pleasure reading your profile.

You're fishing for commonalities. You should confidently pick a topic and have a conversation about it. Giving her 1001 choices for how to interact with you, will probably result in her choosing none. Also, the emboldened bit makes you seem like a cheesy salesman with a plastic smile. WHY was her profile a pleasure to read? If you don't have an eloquent answer to that (which she assumes you don't; otherwise you surely would have elaborated), drop the charade.

What brings you so frequently to Morocco? I like that place. 
And I will dominate you at ping pong if you're up for a game.

This is good; you've initiated a challenge, and that's a sure fire way to stimulate someone. However, we can improve. The "I like that place" statement is a little weak; something along the lines of "I really enjoyed my trip there last July" would root it to personal experience and come off a lot stronger. The "if you're up for a game" bit is also weak, because again, it sounds like your angling for her to agree to meet up. If you could write that without the puny "if you" segment, you'd be golden (for example: "And I will dominate you at ping pong next time you're at Sigmund's Tavern."

Remember: you're a man; there is no if in your vocabulary, only when. Be more confident in your approach and your results will improve.

squigless

Oct 21, 2013

So maybe I need to de-intimidate my profile? How do I do that without making myself sound less interesting of a person? Which sounds very narcissistic but I mean it as a serious question.

Are you, in fact, an interesting person? Or is the collection of stamps adorning your passport the only thing you've got going for you?

Think about it. I may have phrased that like an asshole, but it's pointed for a reason.

515013

Oct 22, 2013

Your profile and your messages all seem a little "dry".  I think if you loosen up and don't place so much ominous emphasis on the world-travel thing, that might attract a slightly wider audience.  It seems to me that "world traveler" is somewhat overrated as a desirable attribute on an online dating website.

Probably outside of people in their sixties who have little better to do with their time and money, the list of places you've visited won't resonate with anyone in your age range.

 

WskyTangoFoxtrot

Oct 26, 2013

I agree.  Nothing annoys the crap out of me quite like a gigantic list of where a woman has been on vacation. I gets in the way of figuring out what she likes to do around here so you can plan a date.  Well that and after getting to know some of them you learn each trip was racked up on a different ex's credit card LOL.  Based on Sandy's feedback women might not like it when I guy comes across as Bourdain Jr right off the bat.

Compared to 8 out of 10 passes I make IRL being sucessful it doesn't look good for online dating. I have tried numerous profile write ups and emailing strategies..  Even with a couple hundred viewers a week, hundreds of mutual ratings and now that I am home about 40% replies.. it's still not many dates.  A lot of people just use it for entertainment or like hot or not. Between weeding out time wasters when you push for a meet and the impossibly entitled personalities you encounter few of those replies go anywhere.

Actually dating anyone from online is rare but rare just might be good.  When I was overseas my reply rate was horrendous.  Home is the LA area so most of them were like fuck off soldier boy mamma wants a funds manager.   With little to do but email women, lift weights, manage maintenance and dodge rockets I probably emailed thousands over 10 months.  

There were very few exceptions and the very few that stayed in contact long enough to date when I came home were the absolute most amazing women I have ever dated.  Educated (masters, PHD), talented, intelligent, successful (huge IMDB ist or great career). All of them have a personality and motives that are the antithesis of the women of LA http://youtu.be/cBiR2rKU69U 

I've dated a couple of them a few times and it's always awesome.   Just waiting for one of the handful of great catches I'm dating to finally kick commitophobia.  I'm looking to marry and have kids..  If you just wanted some hokey pokey its a lot easier if that's your thing.

So email thousands and stick to spending under a minute if not under 30 seconds on that first message to do it.  Make them prove they are worth more than 30 seconds of your time before you put in a lot and feel all butt hurt about it.  Also remember that even the one good one while not a royal pain like the other 999 is still a woman and it's still going to take some skills. 

sandyvs

Oct 27, 2013

^Great post! The only thing I would suggest to OP that is different from what Back wrote is that you spend the amount to time that feels 'right' to you on each message. Which OP has shown us examples of doing just that. Most of my first messages are rather short, but are highly personal to the person I'm sending them. It just fits each person's profile.

I have had men send me great first messages like OP has shown us, and it may be I look at the photos and immediately know there is no way I'd ever be interested in that person romantically. Or it may be I looked at the match questions and they said they'd NEVER date an atheist. I answer them if they are well written, but I try to nicely make it clear that I'm not interested.

A LOT of men DON'T want replies. I had one guy write back and ask: Well, if you weren't interested why did you reply? Which started a flurry of messages back and forth. I'd suggest to the men that send out well written first messages to put in their profile something to the effect that if you send a woman a message, you appreciate a reply.

newinsm

Oct 27, 2013

Squigless is right in his critique of your messages.

And take out all the stuff about not getting messaged back and not sending messages out first.   It just adds whiny, negative elements and  complications to communication.   All of that is going to really hurt your results

Sushibitch

Oct 27, 2013

I'd suggest to the men that send out well written first messages to put in their profile something to the effect that if you send a woman a message, you appreciate a reply.

Different strokes and all; to me, this says "I feel entitled to your time whether you have any interest in giving it to me or not", and is really off-putting. I think the bottom line is, if someone's not interested in you, not responding is just as clear a way of showing you that as sending you a "Thanks but no thanks", and you're better off accepting that and not focusing on the unfairness of it all.

WskyTangoFoxtrot

Oct 27, 2013

^ Wow...Just..Wow..  So in a nutshell Sushi....Women are the only ones allowed to feel entitled. When men actually put in the time to write something decent that shows we read her profile well then we are the entitled ones.   

If this is the attitude of the homely imagine how much work the bombshells are.  

squigless

Oct 27, 2013

  1. There are no bombshells on OkC (unless you count fakes, photoshops and myspace angles).
  2. Just because women feel entitled, that doesn't mean you have to (or even should) play into their entitlement.

I show women only as much respect as they show me, and the fact that I'm not sucking up makes me a unique, hard-to-get prize for her to pursue, rather than yet another chump rolling out the red carpet for her ego and showering her with bribes. In other words, my company isn't free for the taking by just anyone with a vagina, and that makes me special/desirable.

I already have several girls and can get more whenever I want, so I'm not about to dump a bunch of time and energy into stroking some stranger-over-the-internet's ego for the possibility of her some day fucking me. Any guy who wastes his time doing that before mutual attraction has been established is bound to have a very bad time.

 

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