LiveRoll

Jan 25, 2013

I've been on this OK Cupid, as well as Match, since April.

I've exchanged messages with about 25 girls. (By exchanged, I mean both of us sent messages. If only one person sends a message and the other doesn't respond, I don't count that.) I've met exactly 3 of them. And maybe one of those shouldn't even count... it turned out she already knew who I was before I ever sent her a message, so it might not count as meeting online.

Typically, the first couple messages seem to go well. Often, the girl has messaged me first. Or I message her, and she sends me a response saying how awesome and interesting I seem. So I have some clue that she's interested.

I ask her to meet. She: (1) totally disappears off the face of the earth, and starts pretending I don't exist, (2) says she's not available that day, or (3) says she's not available that day, but gives me her phone number or suggests another day.

Basically, I treat #1 and #2 as rejections and never talk to them again. But I wind up wondering, WHY DID THESE GIRLS EVER EXCHANGE MESSAGES WITH ME IF THEY HAD NO INTENTION OF DATING ME?

#3 usually leads me to either ask her out at a later time, or continue the conversation via text/email with the intention of asking her out later. (There have been zero phone conversations. No one EVER picks up.) I don't really like anything involving a phone (text or talking), but I'll do what I have to.

This is where it gets even weirder. Some girls will seem like they are into the messaging or texting at this point, and they know I'm going to ask them out again. I've already done it once. They should know I'm no pen pal at this point. And if they don't want me at all, shouldn't they have rejected me by now? The second/third/fourth attempts to get them to meet in person usually either end in them eventually disappearing or me giving up and moving on to someone else.

Is this typical? For other guys? Can you tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Some common occurrences:

1. I make a date offer, and there's no response. A couple days pass, and I make other plans for that night. I message the girl to let her know I'm now otherwise committed. She emails me back to say OMG I'M SO DISAPPOINTED WE COULDN'T MEET, I REALLY WANT TO MEET YOU. The cycle starts all over again and we never meet. A lot of girls seem to intentionally disappear while a date offer is on the table. They wait until it expires or is rescinded, and then they start messaging me again.

2. Girls who won't confirm a date because they can "probably" meet on the day in question, but don't know. I've learned to interpret anything less than a definite "yes" as just a delayed "no." There's always going to be a lame excuse about 4 to 24 hours beforehand, followed by an insistence that she REALLY, REALLY WANTS TO MEET... eventually.

3. There was one girl who I still can't figure out... It's so irrational. Never wrote messages of more than a sentence. Then I ask her out, and she says, "Text me. [number]." Her text responses are, like, 2 words each. So, I figure she must not want to text a lot. She just wants to get the date and time. When I reiterated the date I'd already offered her, she says "maybe." I say I can't plan my life around a "maybe." Let me know by such-and-such time tomorrow. I don't know why I even bothered, since I know what's coming. Sorry, she has to babysit her niece. No follow up, no suggestion of a day that might be better for her, nothing. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY DID YOU GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK, TEXT, OR MEET??????????

I'm a really busy person, which is why I'm on here in the first place. I work a lot of nights, and a lot of weekends. If I actually have a night free, and I ask to go out with you, I'm truly sacrificing something, because free nights are so rare for me. It would be nice to see this respected a little bit. As in, don't string me along so that I rearrange my schedule to fit you in, when all along you aren't doing the same for me.

Again, is this something I just have to tolerate from online dating? That 90% of the girls who message me have no intention of meeting? They are always going to chicken out? Or they only talk to me for the ego boost? Or they are just using me as a backup plan? Or am I doing something wrong?

shoegal71

Jan 25, 2013

tl;dr

though I originally thought the title of this thread was "Can't get anyone to meet in prison."

ps, let me guess... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

CampAnawanna_

Jan 25, 2013

Hey bru,

lose the hat

http://fedorasofokc.tumblr.com/

LiveRoll

Jan 25, 2013

Not a fedora. No hat in my other pictures. My answers are nothing like those guys.

DrGeniusWiener

Jan 25, 2013

I've met exactly 3 of them.

Just curious. Did you get laid?

LiveRoll

Jan 25, 2013

Not with those 3.

Sushibitch

Jan 25, 2013

But I wind up wondering, WHY DID THESE GIRLS EVER EXCHANGE MESSAGES WITH ME IF THEY HAD NO INTENTION OF DATING ME?

They exchanged messages in order to decide whether they wanted to meet you. That, for them, is the purpose of swapping messages, not simply a hoop they're making you jump through before they'll agree to meet up. So maybe you need to work on A) making sure that meeting up with you seems like a really attractive prospect and B) reading their responses so that you're asking at the right time, when they're most receptive to it. It's possible that you're asking too soon, and thus they're not ready to end the conversation yet but they also haven't decided yet whether they want to meet. So maybe you either need to wait a bit longer before asking (not so much in terms of a set number of messages or days, but rather you need to wait until they're giving you the right kind of signals) or you need to get them more excited about meeting you.

If I actually have a night free, and I ask to go out with you, I'm truly sacrificing something, because free nights are so rare for me. It would be nice to see this respected a little bit.

Yeah, you kind of need to dump this attitude; it's not doing you any good. From their point of view, they're not getting the benefit of some enormous sacrifice which they should respect; rather, you're asking them to give up an evening of _their_ busy schedule. Feeling like you asking them out means they owe you something really isn't going to work well for you.

As in, don't string me along so that I rearrange my schedule to fit you in, when all along you aren't doing the same for me.

So don't rearrange your schedule to fit round other people. You get to decide how _you_ behave, you don't get to decide how they decide. So if you want reciprocity, the way to achieve that is to match your behaviour to theirs, not to try and expect them to match their behaviour to yours.


CampAnawanna_

Jan 25, 2013

I keep reading OP's screen name as "pompous"

 

having the state or city (of where you currently live) in your s\n is another online dating faux pas

LiveRoll

Jan 25, 2013

Sushibitch, I understand your advice, especially the second half. But the first half seems to clash with a lot of the conventional wisdom that I've read regarding online dating. Like:

"Keep your messages short. Anything more than a few sentences seems desperate."

"Ask girls out in your first 2 or 3 messages to her."

Plus, I don't want to "get to know" someone via email. First of all, it makes the actual first date more high-pressure. Second, it makes me feel like I'm gonna be the next Manti Te'o.

CampAnawanna_

Jan 25, 2013

How many dates have you gone on with women who messaged you first?

LiveRoll

Jan 25, 2013

Two of the three were with women who messaged me first.

The third was someone I messaged first, but she already knew who I was (she'd seen my band perform). I didn't know who she was.

So basically, I've gone on zero dates with girls who I've just cold-messaged without them messaging me or having already seen me. My typical first message policy is: (1) two to three sentences, (2) reference something they wrote, (3) don't talk about their pictures, (4) make it funny if possible, (5) end with a question so that my message is easy to respond to.

Sushibitch

Jan 25, 2013

You should certainly keep your first message short; you're more likely to start a conversation that way. The whole "You should ask her out within 2-3 messages" thing is kind of dumb, though. Some people want to make arrangements to meet up very quickly, and others want to go more slowly. The fact is, the conventional wisdom isn't working for you, right? So try something different.

I understand that you don't want to get to know someone by email; that's fair enough, but in general woman are going to be more cautious than men are ( because we're told, really quite constantly, that we have to be). So chances are, most of the women you talk to will want to get to know you a bit better before meeting up than your ideal. You can't really change that, so you can either compromise (and focus on getting better at reading people so you can figure out when they _are_ ready), or you can stress in your profile that you're keen to get to know people in person rather than by email, and thus filter out at least some of the people who are not compatible with you.

After that, if they don't make firm arrangements to meet up, move on; it sounds as though you're wasting time and effort, and getting frustrated, trying to meet people who almost certainly aren't going to meet you.

CampAnawanna_

Jan 25, 2013

Given your track record, this may not help, but you should make a profile on PlentyOfFish (POF)

 

It's the "Wal Mart" of dating sites

DrGeniusWiener

Jan 25, 2013

Have you gotten laid from OKC at all?

I know it's a personal question but in light of your OP I'm once again curious.

CampAnawanna_

Jan 25, 2013

What about the women whom you have ignored or not messaged back on here?

You have to be having second thoughts about some of those. Those were dates you could have had.

I know I have.

LiveRoll

Jan 25, 2013

Yes, never had sex in any way with anyone I met on OKCupid.

I don't know if I regret my non-replies. I've received maybe 10 first-messages total since I joined in April. And I've responded to about 6 of them. So that leaves 4 that I ignored. Just wasn't interested.

I must have sent out at least 100 first-messages. Funny, I receive 10 messages. Meet 2 of those. I send out 100... and meet zero.

And by the way, Pompatus is a reference to the song "The Joker" by Steve Miller. I wanted my s/n to be just "Pompatus," but it was already taken. Thus the addition of "OfNJ."

CampAnawanna_

Jan 25, 2013

 I wanted my s/n to be just "Pompatus," but it was already taken.

 

FYI to everybody. If you want a s\n (that's already taken) just add an underscore to front, back, or even the middle.

 

like  "_Pompatus"  or "Pompatus_"

 

Easy Day.

 

Take it from someone who used to change their screen name every month or so on here.

DrGeniusWiener

Jan 25, 2013

I honestly wouldn't know what advice to give you at this point, Mr. Pompatus.

You seem like a reasonably dateable dude from New Jersey to me.

I know the onus is usually on the guy to do the footwork and I believe you when you say you've sent virtually hundreds of introductions. I also know how fickle and flakey people can be. But if I hadn't been plugged after being here since last April (and trust me, I've done my fair share of footwork too), I'd pack it in.

Can't speak for "Match" because I've never been there.

I do applaud your tenacity though.

ThunderNut

Jan 25, 2013

And by the way, Pompatus is a reference to the song "The Joker" by Steve Miller. I wanted my s/n to be just "Pompatus," but it was already taken. Thus the addition of "OfNJ."

You could have just called yourself Maurice.

smashingmayo

Jan 25, 2013

I'm opposite. I have had women wanting ME to meet them quickly in person and getting seriously MAD that i wouldn't meet them after talking a few days (and not much per day, either, in most cases).

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