Montival

Feb 13, 2013

I know there are a lot more men from my area on OkC than women, but seriously.  I don't understand why I get so many visitors, and so many messages that someone is "checking me out" or gave me a high rating, only when I message them they don't respond.  I feel like i'm trying to swim up river with this site, because I put a lot of thought into my approach, and yet... nothing, i can't get anywhere with anyone i message.  I almost never get a reply, and very occasionally get a message from someone I didn't message first.  I know people are checking me out, I know people like what they see/read... but getting anyone to open up a conversation has turned out to be practically impossible here.  If I spend an evening sending messages out to a large group of people I've added to my favorites, say... 20 people... nearly every one of them visits my profile, and none of them respond.  

/rant

Fat-Fat-Fat

Feb 13, 2013

People show up as a visitor to your profile through Quickmatch- they needn't necessarily have actually clicked your profile to be a visitor.

CampAnawanna_

Feb 13, 2013

http://www.ifc.com/portlandia/videos/portlandia-technology-loop  

 

get off of OkCupid, you're stuck in a technology loop

 

20 messages a day, dude you're losing it

tv-kenny

Feb 15, 2013

That's why I dont put too much stock in this ssite this is more of a people watching site that a dating site

I can go to the mall and do the same thing only I'd be doing it in real time

sandyvs

Feb 15, 2013

^Yeah, but can you do it naked at 3am?

OP, do you keep your IM on all the time when you're on here? I have people chat with me a lot just because I always keep my IM on. I really hate messaging back and forth with people that are on their phone app.

DiscoJer

Feb 15, 2013

I would guess you could in San Francisco and a few other cities.

And do men ever get IM messages on here unsolicited? I've had my IM on for 7 years without such a thing happening.

MrsIselin

Feb 15, 2013

I know people like what they see/read... 

And you're basing this on . . . your lack of messages and failure to get a date with anyone you contact?

Gagin

Feb 15, 2013

It's PDXia.  Nobody from PDXia is actually serious about dating.  They're just blowing some of the time it takes to get from home to LaurelThirst or Miss studios or some place on 23rd on their phone checking the app...  Surely you've seen them buried up to their eyebrows in their smart phone regardless if they're walking, biking, or driving; I know I have.  Hell, I've seen two people very clearly on a "date", engrossed in their respective phones.

 

Wait...Or was that that while they're on the way to Gov't Camp to board the glacier before they lost reception?

 

I forget.

 

Either way.  For PDXia priding itself for being named amongst the Sluttiest Cities in the US, it's a tough dating market to crack.  Try not to take it personally as that path?  That path leads to nothing but madness...  >:)

 

Given the literal metric shit ton of activity social groups in that city, I'd say neglect not the offline side of options available in your search tool box and don't get too hung up on online if correlation isn't too hot at the moment.  Kinda like the weather; if you don't like it, wait 6-9 months and it'll change...  Hah! :)  But for the love of gods, Man!  Whatever you do, don't become "that guy" who gives up on the personal touch approach when PMing people.

ExtremeDating

Feb 15, 2013

I know there are a lot more men from my area on OkC than women

The overall OkCupid ratio (given by both an admin and Quantcast traffic demographics) is 4 men for every 3 women. Are you sure your area diverges widely from that?

I don't understand why I get so many visitors, and so many messages that someone is "checking me out" or gave me a high rating, only when I message them they don't respond.

It used to be the case that Quickmatch browsing would count as a profile visit. I don't know whether that's still the case and can't be bothered finding out.

Other than that, your default pic isn't exactly terrible, so women may be curious. Then they see your pedestrian nice-guy profile with its one-two punch of cliched Pollyannaism followed later by a butthurt comment that, if not contradictory, at the very least doesn't sit well with the cliched Pollyannaism.

Lookie:

It's really important to me to remain positive, and optimistic. I'm one of those kind of people who tends to have a positive answer for everything... because I look for the silver lining, and chose to focus on the good, not the bad.

[...]

You should message me. (no if) ...It'd be nice to actually GET a message now and then. Come on, move your mouse to the "Message" button, click it... and start typing. Just a "hello" is fine. I can break the ice.

Amusing, eh?

I feel like i'm trying to swim up river with this site, because I put a lot of thought into my approach, and yet... nothing, i can't get anywhere with anyone i message. I almost never get a reply, and very occasionally get a message from someone I didn't message first. I know people are checking me out, I know people like what they see/read... but getting anyone to open up a conversation has turned out to be practically impossible here. If I spend an evening sending messages out to a large group of people I've added to my favorites, say... 20 people... nearly every one of them visits my profile, and none of them respond.

It's because you've shown yourself (over in Profile Suggestions) to be stubborn, the lip-service concessions notwithstanding. Guys like you have been whining on these forums from the very beginning, and you're all the same.

If you were handed a more effective approach on a silver platter, you'd find excuses for not doing it, including a moralizing smugness directed at either the suggested approach or at the women who ought to "accept you for who you are."

You're under the delusion that most men are sending vulgar messages while you're the lone wolf, the last decent man standing. This is a common delusion on this site. If you saw a woman's inbox, you'd see that your so-called decent, thoughtful, personalized, earnest messages are a dime a dozen.

Fortunately, you're not hideous-looking, so learn to be hilarious and learn to show some balls. If you still fail after that to get any kind of conversation going, the most likely reason is that you're messaging only women out of your league, as it were.

RagingChocoholic

Feb 15, 2013

People show up as a visitor to your profile through Quickmatch- they needn't necessarily have actually clicked your profile to be a visitor.

Seriously?  This I did not know :/  Wow, that probably means some very skewed information.

...ED stuff...

As usual, a complete goldmine that doesn't pull any punches.

Intense_City

Feb 15, 2013

Don't fret, my man.

Stay on here long enough and nobody will visit your profile.

Problem solved.

cytokinetic

Feb 15, 2013

I can't like any of these comments. 

M_ss_ng-L_nk

Feb 16, 2013

A tip that's specific to the Portland market:

NEVER EVER _EVER_ ask the woman out or even so much as imply that you want to meet her in person. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but you have to wait until she gives you a clear and definite sign that she'd like to meet you--something where she's intentionally and blatantly dropping the hint--or you'll probably never hear from her again. The best thing, IMO, is to wait until she asks YOU out.

Note: This is a training-wheels-esque guideline as it IS possible to "go in for the kill" earlier, but this is a risky maneuver that backfires 99.9% of the time for newbs. Best to play it safe until you've closed a half-dozen times and know better how to play a successful hand.

A more general tip:

Ditch the first para on You should message me if. Women are HUGELY into something called "pre-approval," and if you imply that other women aren't digging you, that immediately puts you at the bottom of the social hierarchy and devalues you to something akin to a hunchback imp/5-eyed frogman/leper. DON'T DO IT.

 

If you saw a woman's inbox, you'd see that your so-called decent, thoughtful, personalized, earnest messages are a dime a dozen.

Which is why "decent, thoughtful, personalized, earnest messages" don't work. I'd advise you to stick to no more than two sentences until you get your game down; anything more is counter productive and just causes you to blend in with the pack of other desperate nice guy losers.

Two sentences. Make them count.

HottieUnlimited

Feb 16, 2013

Oh sh*t, this guy is not only an expert @ the game, but he's also kind enough to share his wisdom & experience with others!!! Why do I get the feeling there's going to be 'peacocking' in his profile pictures? You peacock, don't you, yea you do

HottieUnlimited

Feb 16, 2013

Dude peacocks.

Fat-Fat-Fat

Feb 16, 2013

It used to be the case that Quickmatch browsing would count as a profile visit. I don't know whether that's still the case and can't be bothered finding out.

It is. I never bother to actually browse profiles and A LOT of the messages I get are from guys who I only viewed in Quickmatch who message me to say something like "I saw you viewed my profile". Also, if someone views your profile, they then show up in Quickmatch. So if you use Quickmatch a lot (like I do) then most of your recent visitors will see you seeing them shortly after they viewed you.

Fat-Fat-Fat

Feb 16, 2013

And I completely disagree about honest, thoughtful messages. If you aren't going to take the time to be interested in someone you're interested in, what the fuck is the point in even messaging someone? It just makes you out to be a fisherman, casting lines at whatever will bite. THAT very much does not make me interested. I prefer an honest message from someone I might not be interested in from a generic line from someone who may later prove to be interesting. If a guy doesn't make any sort of genuine effort (which really isn't asking much- show INTEREST in someone you're interested in) then I assume he's lazy, apathetic, or just boring. So if you think casting lines is better than actually showing someone you're interested in that you're interested in them, you're either messaging the wrong people or just doing it wrong.

And really, if some chick DOES bite at the line, what does that say about her? It's better to be honest and interesting and fail than it is to be generic and lazy and succeed. You'll get better results in the end, unless what you're looking for is a generic chick who has very low standards. (Aka you just wanna get laid.) And hey, if that's what you're aiming for, go fishin'.

drunkenworm

Feb 16, 2013

OP, do you keep your IM on all the time when you're on here? I have people chat with me a lot just because I always keep my IM on. I really hate messaging back and forth with people that are on their phone app.

Yes, you have to keep this on. I wouldn't get NEARLY enough "wanna fuck" if i didn't have it on. But on another note why don't you just IM them as well if you see they are online? It's a good Ice Breaker. I talk to people i normally wouldn't had they just messaged me because they actually say something worth responding back to. 


sandyvs

Feb 16, 2013

^The only negative about that is a lot of women DON'T keep their IM's on (chickens!) because of all the 'wanna fuck' messages. ;( When will guys ever learn to be smooth?

Montival

Feb 16, 2013

Yea uh... Dating shouldn't be a game, and you shouldn't be on a "dating site" if you aren't 1. interested in meeting people, and 2. require some kind of elaborate wooing game to start an extremely basic 1 on 1, (completely secure and safe form of communication through a dating site I might add) message.

Honestly, what I've learned from these sites is this:  Dating sites imply an easy way to meet like minded singles... but in truth, it's easier to randomly start talking to someone on a street corner.  I've had lots of success meeting people in public places randomly in the past, and thought I would give OkC a chance, but it's clear it's NOT for dating, as it's clear not many people are meeting/dating via this site... and I've noticed the people who DO meet someone, and close their account, reopen it a month or two later... Hmm... I wonder why that is?

Yea... thanks for the comments everyone.  /end social experiment.

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