If you message someone, and they are not interested, would you rather they:

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la_teena

Apr 13, 2010

I read on these forums, both guys and girls, saying no one responds to their messages and inevitably someone posts, "We think it's more polite to ignore the message than blatantly say not interested." 

While this is true, is it what we prefer?

I had a message from a seemingly nice, attractive local, but the first line of his profile was about wanting a family and that's not something I am interested in.

I replied "Hi! Thanks for the message but I don't think I'm what your looking for. Have a nice day!"

His response was the equivalent to "Thanks for nothing beotch"

So what's the happy medium here? Do we reply or ignore?

Miss-Music

Apr 13, 2010

I have told SEVERAL men in the last few days that they are just too young for me - and some say okay - while others pretty much call me a bitch or tell me thanks for judging them without knowing them. So...what am I supposed to say...? I'm going to change my preference for older men just for you...?

I ignore messages and have had people do the same to me. I'm 100% fine with that. If you go out with someone and it isn't what you're looking for - they deserve a message afterward - not just for you to ignore them.

samuraibutterfl

Apr 13, 2010

I've gotten hostile responses to both. I once had a guy send me five messages saying "WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE ME BACK?!" 

CygnusX34

Apr 13, 2010

Was he looking to start a family right away? Did you talk to him about that?

I think telling him that you wasn't interested was a good thing. Even if his response was childish. Some people can't accept rejection very well at first, I am sure he will or has understand.

There are too many factors that goes into a message that isn't returned. They could be ignoring them, or the messages could of been buried under other messages, or just missed accidentally.

When people see someone they are very interested in, they get anxious. Their mind starts to think of reasons why their message isn't being replied to. Some of the reason are just and others are down right silly. I have been a victim of this, I am learning to be more patient and understanding.

dodo-lurker

Apr 13, 2010

I'd prefer an actual response from someone if they're not interested.  I don't know if the guy who responded to you is the norm, but I sure hope not.  (Besides, he's an asshole if he deals with rejection like that!)  I generally don't get responses from women who aren't interested, and rather than thinking it's polite, I think it's quite the opposite.  As so many on this forum have stated, it's the equivalent of saying hi to someone on the street and them turning around and walking away without a word.  It's rude in real life; why should it be any different online?

As far as I'm concerned, if I send a message to someone -- and that message is friendly, polite, maybe even funny, and mentions something on her profile that intrigued me -- and she doesn't respond at all, then I write her off as rude and ill-mannered and lose interest in her.  (I know this is the desired effect, but now my opinion of this person is ten times lower than before.)  Again, if she behaves like this online, what is she like in real life?

It's not the end of the world if she doesn't write back, but it is a bit disappointing, only because I'm a bit picky about to whom I'll write (icebreakers aside).

I can understand a woman not replying were someone to write something stupid like, "hey your hot. wanna fuk?"  I wouldn't respond either.  I'd probably block him.

 

AlCappuccino

Apr 13, 2010

I don't have too much invested in an email so I don't care if they don't write back.  If they do, great, if not, it's hardly the end of the world.

v-While that sounds nice and all, women here for the most part get more emails than guys and may not have the time or inclination to respond back to each one they're not interested saying "Thanks but no thanks" and they don't need to give a reason other than you're not what they're looking for. 

bobvela

Apr 13, 2010

Say "thanks but no thanks", ideally even with a reason why... IMO because it's not only the most polite thing to do, but useful in determining the quality of their character and if you have made the right decision...

...if they turn around and become vulgar to such a simple rejection, you instantly know the quality of their character and know you made the right decision.

... if they reply with a "I can certainly appreciate your preferences", you have at least ending things well and (hopefully) there is no animosity on either side.

... if they reply with a "While I fully respect your choices, I still think that we would get along great because of ____ and ____, not to mention our mutual love of ____." ... you know that they are at the very least respectful, but still interested enough for substantive reasons and driven by them that they may be worth a second look.

Personally I find complete silence (either initially or after a chat or two) far more rude (doubly so when there are multiple honest attempts) than a friendly "thanks but... I don't like beards, and I sense you aren't eager lose it"

CGG1081

Apr 13, 2010

Every guy would like to hear something back from a friendly message (feel free to ignore the crass and crude). Its a shame some might use your class as an excuse to abuse you.  I have no idea what the percentages would be who would do that. But - here on the internet, class can go a long way, so don't let that discourage you.

A suggestion if you do write back though - feel free to be specific.  A "You profile seemed great, but it looks like we have completely different goals/interests because I'm not ready to settle down/I don't like rock and roll" would probably be better than just saying "no thanks".  It's a bit counter-intuitive because nobody likes specific criticism, but if you can show why you don't match, they'll see it in their interest to move on too.

MrMonicker

Apr 13, 2010

I have had a few "not interested" messages which were brief, yet still offered some constructive insight as to why not.  As much as I might wish this were the case, it does not seem to be the norm.

From what I have seen/heard about this and other sites, there are many men who have problems with even a politely worded "not interested".  To a lesser degree, it also applies to women.

Unfortunately, I would have to say that you are probably better off not replying at all.  A non reply means not interested, in my opinion; people should take it as such, and move on.

CygnusX34

Apr 13, 2010

If some one tells you that they aren't interested. Does that mean that you should stop trying?

I remember I was sending emails back and forth and she didn't seem too interested. So I confronted her about her attitude. That turned out better, we traded some info.

Would it be wrong to continue to press even if someone rejected you? Within reason of course and if you feel that there could be something there.

truthandreconci

Apr 13, 2010

I really don't care either way honestly. When I was messaging women, I wasn't exactly staying up all night refreshing my browser waiting for a reply. I sent out tons of messages and really I had trouble remember who I even sent them to.

booksandbourbon

Apr 13, 2010

I read on these forums, both guys and girls, saying no one responds to their messages and inevitably someone posts, "We think it's more polite to ignore the message than blatantly say not interested." 

While this is true, is it what we prefer?

On what basis do you assert that's true?  I think it's far more polite to respond.  I make it a point to respond to all my messages.  Even if it's just a meaningless canned response, I'd rather have it.  Hell, just the word "no" or the character "n" would suffice.  If you get another message which is nasty, just be prepared to block.

Explanations are nice but considering how rarely women respond in the first place, they're not necessary.  Just now I got a message saying my dislike of children is a dealbreaker.  I hadn't even messaged for dating purposes.  I was pleased.

AlCappuccino

Apr 13, 2010

^3-If you feel you want to press the issue fine, but I wouldn't.   If she's not interested, I find it's better to just leave it alone and move onward.  It's not like you have anything really invested in this as you don't know her.

There's a slight chance it might work, but I have enough pride to where I'm not going to constantly barrage her with emails saying "Why aren't you interested in me?".  To me, the why doesn't matter, she wasn't interested and I leave it at that.

CygnusX34

Apr 13, 2010

Mr. Cyclone, what you said I totally agree with. I usually move on myself, I tried it once and it worked...somewhat.

 

I would love to hear a female response though.

silent_male

Apr 13, 2010

Lack of response to first message is acceptable.

"Sorry, I am not interested." shows class and is preferred.

benzilla1

Apr 13, 2010

No response or a "sorry not interested" means the same thing. 

booksandbourbon

Apr 13, 2010

That's completely nonsensical.

Miss-Music

Apr 13, 2010

Makes sense to me...

 

And fellas, maybe it's not about class...maybe it's about time...

And the fact that I don't as though I need to explain myself - which is what generally happens when I say I'm not interested...

silvrjuli2003

Apr 13, 2010

I would rather get no response. Cuz then I usually just forget about the guy and there's no letdown. But if he tells me he's not interested, then I'm left wondering why? And what's wrong with me? I like to keep my self-esteem unbruised.

booksandbourbon

Apr 13, 2010

^^How can something and nothing be identical?

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