How to Cook Something "Special" for the Holidays

At the end of each year, guests descend upon our house like Cossacks. We feed them as follows.

Pasta Non Grata

"squisito!"

With its strong garlic and parmesan flavors, this simple recipe is an old-world favorite for entertaining unwelcome visitors. Traditionally, the dish takes the entire day to prepare, because a stereotypical Italian lady must be found and then lovingly added.

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. pasta
  • 1 bottle olive oil
  • 1 container parmesan cheese
  • 1 jar whole garlic cloves

Directions:

  1. Boil pasta as normal.
  2. Strain noodles and return to pot, revitalizing skin with the power & purity of steam. This is the secret to European beauty.
  3. Add remaining ingredients.
  4. Serve.
  5. "non-appétit"

Steak Handhande

This delicious variation of steak tartare, like revenge, is best served with fists.

Ingredients:

  • 4 lbs. ground beef
  • one hand
  • one hande

Directions:

  1. Using the other two ingredients, form the beef into a large mass.
  2. In a 10" skillet, gently sear the meat in its own juices. Never, under any circumstances, attempt to add your own juice.
  3. Make sure to just barely cook the outside of the meat. The inside should remain cool. For no reason, flip.
  4. Inserting the hand and the hande is the tricky part. Place the meat on a bed of tots, and follow the diagrams.
  5. Serve and enjoy.

Milk-Dud Pie with Invulnerable Jungle-Fruit Starburst Glaze

This pie is the perfect dessert for the holiday party season, as it cannot go bad or be eaten.

Ingredients for the crust:

  • 1 package graham crackers
  • 1/2 stick butter

for the filling:

  • 3 11 oz. packages of Milk Duds
  • 1/2 stick butter

for the invulnerable glaze:

  • 16 oz. Pkg. Jungle-Fruit Starburst

Directions:

  1. Melt milk-duds and butter in a sauce pan.
  2. Make crust and set aside.
  3. Once duds and butter are thoroughly combined, add saliva to taste.
  4. Pour mixture into pie tin.
  5. Melt starburst and glaze.
  6. Chill and attempt to serve. Seriously, the delicious glaze cannot be penetrated.

Shorts Bread

According to legend, when Julius Caesar captured Carthage after a six-month siege, he ordered his field chef to prepare a wondrous feast. In a fit of inspiration, shorts bread was born, and the chef was hanged. Nervously, his assistant invented the pizza.

Ingredients:

  • flour
  • salt
  • yeast
  • water
  • shorts

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350°.
  2. Combine non-apparel ingredients in a missing bowl, and set dough aside to rise.
  3. For authentic taste, tenderize shorts through vigorous exercise.
  4. Dice shorts.
  5. "These were nice shorts"

  6. Add shorts pieces to dough.
  7. Put dough in oven. When the bread catches fire, it's done.
  8. Extinguish and serve.

Hot Damn

Ingredients:

  • 1 damn

Directions:

  1. Heat hand or other body part to painful levels.
  2. Add damn generously.
  3. Shake.