How to turn "Date" into "Mate"

I know that, previously, I've been a world leader in sex prevention. But now that I'm 25, it's time I settle down from that high-flying life. I will now solve the time-honored problem of how to score.

You'll find my proposed methodology, below. In the spirit of scientific camaraderie, I ask you to perform experiments of your own and aid my research. I have not yet had success with human subjects, though tests with mice have been quite encouraging.

Pick a Nice Place To Go

Like any experiment, date-to-mate alchemy is greatly helped by the right laboratory. You should choose a spot where you and your girl can comfortably get to know each other, ideally some place casual and not too noisy. Try a totalitarian futurescape. The relaxed dress code:

will set you both at ease. And if you happen to get there after the plague, nuclear war, and/or self-replicating deathbots hit, there'll be plenty of cozy time for you two to flirt and, if all goes well, repopulate the earth in your image.

Good Conversation

If you think of a date as a journey, then the girl is a house way up on the hill. You, the weary traveller, would like to enter this house because it is warm and might provide shelter from other houses who are trying to call you. The pathway up to this house is called "good conversation."

When you're talking, the main thing is to not to come across like a macho Alpha Male-type who's too tough or too into himself to be a considerate mate. That's a big turn-off for most girls, so don't be afraid to show your vulnerable side. My preferred method is to act like a Beta Male--a buggy stand-in for myself until the real me gets released.

operating system: smooth

Unfortunately, precious release is thus far unachieved. Unless you count that soft-launch a few weeks back...

Body Language

On the date, you can't just talk. You must make eye contact. If it is cold to the touch, leave.

"dude, they were totally real"

Also, the physical distance you maintain between you and your date conveys a powerful non-verbal message. On the one hand, if you keep away, she'll think you're not interested. On the other, if you get too close, she'll scream. Think of yourself as the Death Star. Only from the right distance will you seem like a gentle moon.

So find your date's comfort level and respect it. Finally, "closed" body language, like crossing your arms, subconsciously sends the message that you have something to hide--possibly a devious third arm.

Be Gentlemanly

Old-fashioned manners are a thing of the past, but, even now, judicious deployment of a traditional gesture or two will make your date feel special.

For instance, holding the door for her will score big points. The way you treat doors, and indeed all of nature's creatures, gives your girl a good idea about how you'll treat her. To send the right message, hold all doors for at least ten minutes after intercourse.



Pick Up The Tab

Finally, despite advances in technologies like feminism, the cold truth of dating is that you must pick up the tab. Women earn less than men for the same work, therefore men must pay more for the same meal. You'll look like a cheapskate if you don't offer to pay. As a last resort, if all the dating advice above fails, you could also offer also to pay for her body. If she can't break a twenty, you'll see if she has change for your face.