How To Get Beat Up So The OTHER Guy Goes To Jail

I don't mean to brag, but I've never really had a hard time getting beaten up. However, for the longest time, after someone kicked my ass, instead of going to jail, that person would just go wash his hands. No longer.

Allow me to reveal the tricks I use for getting the Law to deal out the punishment my fists and teeth cannot.

What to Wear / Where to Fight

Loose-fitting, breathable,
deadly: pantaloons.

As with any social situation, proper attire is crucial to encouraging felonious assault. For instance, camouflage and plate mail are out--too intimidating. On the other hand, nothing says "kick my ass" better than pantaloons. As for location, you'll find that most areas near flames or a canyon will provide extravagant opportunities for your opponent to willfully endanger you.

*Please note:
If the location you've chosen for the fight seems to be moving past you at a high rate of speed, then you are probably running from your opponent--and not getting him sent to jail. Stop this. Ideally, you want the scenery to be pretty still at the beginning, shift to upside-down somewhere in the middle, and then slowly fade into an eerie Nothingness, where hope is no more

What to Say

Everyday insults work fine for getting someone to beat you up, and, hey, sometimes they *might* go to jail for it.

But if you take your ass, the beater thereof, prison, and the sending thereto of said beater for the beating in question seriously, then you need to get more creative than swears and yo-mamma busts.

The idea is not so much to insult your opponent as to inspire him--give him grist for the mill, so he can grind out a rich flour of fist-crime upon you. If you can say just the right thing to him--before you go unconscious, natch--your words will keep working for you long after your brain no longer is, resulting in the incredible bonus damage that juries crave. For starters, try these proven mission statements:

"People say I have the world's toughest nuts."

"You'll never make me eat that bottle. It's just not possible. You're crazy."

What to Do

The fundamental principle here is, of course, ABGPOK: Always Be Getting Punched Or Kicked. If you can remember those six simple words, then your opponent is in jail, like, yesterday. A simple rule-of-thumb is this: if you're ever not getting punched or kicked, then you are in violation of the "always" part of the rule and you need more practice. See the troubleshooting section of this guide for help on this.

After you've perfected the basics of ABGPOK, give these more advanced techniques a spin.

  • The Stomach-Block
    In India, where the passive receipt of total devastation is steeped in ancient metaphors, the internal organs are called "blow-absorbing clouds."
  • The Head-Butt
    Especially non-devastating to the knees, elbows, and boots of your opponent. Also an excellent way to reverse-subdue car bumpers and stretches of pavement.
  • The Chain-Reaction
    A recent innovation, very now. Holding your own fist in front of your nose not only gives your attacker a nice target, but the juxtaposition suggests that fists belong on noses, which can help guide the stupid in their quest to kick your ass.
  • The Reverse Pick-Pocket
    Begin by working your way into a head-lock. Not only is it easy for your attacker to robustly distribute pain to your face from this angle, but you'll have virtually unlimited access to his pockets while he does it. Simply slip your wallet into his pants before you black out. Voila! A regular beating becomes what the Law calls a "mugging."

1. Get in headlock.

2. Get out wallet.

3. Get even.


Problem: I try all the techniques, and, sure, I get beaten up, but the guys who do it never go to jail.
Solution: Are you fighting ambassadors? Ambassadors have diplomatic immunity from prosecution and cannot go to jail. While it might seem that people with foreign accents might be *more* likely to get sent to jail for kicking your ass, in extreme cases of foreignness, such as being in the employ of a foreign government, it just might not be possible. Make sure anyone with an accent is poor before you attempt to send them to jail.

Problem: Because of me and my skill, someone is in jail who doesn't deserve to be there.
Solution: Hmmm... troubling. But remember: you have a gift. A terrible gift, perhaps, but a gift nonetheless. And, sadly, you can't give this gift back, because you have no receipt. Be more conscientious when acquiring skills in the future.

Problem: Help! Your techniques worked too well! Now I'm in jail, too.
Solution: Is it possible you're just visiting the jail? Do you work there? I find it hard to believe that someone who was *always* getting punched or kicked would have the *time* to do something illegal. Don't you agree? Next time, try less lying to the troubleshooting section of this guide.