Proven Ways to Prevent Sex

"Hear me, O coitus, thou art like this boggling simile!"--Shakespeare.

I'll be frank with you. For many men, the sex-act is a time of embarrassment, sorrow, and, eventually, devil-worship--because for them, the penis is a geyser of horror, gushing out its unseemly contents, like clockwork, every two minutes--while the surrounding woman is your proverbial national park: vast, empty, mysterious, and visited.

Luckily, I've discovered that sexual performance anxiety can be 100% cured by not having sex at all. Here are the techniques I've developed to keep sex--and spurting venereal shame--from ever happening again.

Think About Baseball

This time-tested technique for delaying the male orgasm can also be used to completely prevent it. For instance, Dodger's manager Tommy Lasorda is a big-time sex preventor. Here, instead of making love, he and another man, Walter Alston, are deciding whether a third man, Jesse Orosco, should come in to pitch. In this scenario, no one is worried about pleasure.

Lasorda, with Alston, sans sex.

Role-Play

While many couples use role-playing to add zest to their sex life, I use it to subtract existence from mine. I find that Dungeons & Dragons, 3.5 ruleset, and in particular the Darkling Raven module, works best.

Ragbar Cutpurse

Strength : 11
Intelligence : 10
Dexterity : 17
Constitution : 12
Sex :  0

I've got this sweet dude, Ragbar Cutpurse, who, beyond all doubt, is the most legendary thief in all the Realm of Squizmsy. Ragbar is a 5th-level Arcane Trickster, but because of his Ring of Incredible Combat, which he never removes, he fights as an 11th-level Blademaster.

Ragbar's stronghold, on the outskirts of Thurg's Citadel, is garrisoned by 131 henchmen, each equipped with a two-handed sword and +1 Dwarven chain mail. Any intruder has a 20% chance of encountering 1-6 henchman for every 100' of travel inside its walls. If such a patrol is encountered, it is 35% likely that Tyranthraxus, Ragbar's man-at-arms, will be with them. Every door in the stronghold is sealed with Wizard Lock and any would-be enterer must Reflex Save (DC 25) or kindly find themselves inside my Bag Of Holding! Ragbar's stronghold also has an Enchanted Aura which has the effect of a 4th level Confusion spell on all evil-alignedd non-outsiders within 60 yds. When fighting inside the stronghold, Ragbar gets a +2 to hit/damage and my henchmen fight with +3 morale.

Flex Your Sex Muscles

Let's be frank. There are certain muscles in the male body, which, if clenched at the appropriate moment, can instantly preclude sex. This is a fantastic technique for those times--say there has been a language barrier--when you find yourself on the brink of coitus.

With enough practice, you can become the Total Package.

Things like ligaments frighten most people.

Ditto for *claws*.

The Logarithm Method

Mathematics is the science of avoiding intercourse with women. From the moment the ancient Greeks discovered the properties of acne, mathematicians have striven to describe, codify, and implement a logical system for remaining alone in their rooms, possibly whacking-off. Since math provides the theoretical underpinnings for every technique described in this guide, as our final example, I'd like to give you a taste of what abstract, higher sex-prevention is all about.

The Galois Theorem

Suppose that SEX is not masturbation. Then lognSEX=0; where n is anything.

The consequences of the Galois Theorem are indeed remarkable! It follows directly that sex with any number of women can be reduced to zero simply by calculating logarithms in their presence. Ergo, the perfectly chaste existence that men like me have dreamed about is, in fact, theoretically possible.

Here I am with an elegant proof of the theorem:

We typically end these articles with a quick "question-and-answer" section designed to anticipate any problems you might have in putting our methods into practice:

Troubleshooting

Problem: I'm having trouble shooting.

Solution: Exactly.