I don't know what's worse sometimes: being honest with others or being honest with myself. As iluvfrenchies pointed out, most girls will reject me right away because "they won't be enough." I hate that phrase in particular because of its simplicity. It's brutally honest to the point where it kills all chance of further dialogue. Seriously, how does one counter such a foolproof argument? (Even worse, it's an argument that always makes me feel like a cad.)

However, there's no point in lying to myself for the sake of convenience either. If I sugarcoated the topic, it would only delay the inevitable, thus making things messier in the long run. Some girls will assume the worst of me the moment they read this post, others will take the more rational approach of learning more about me before passing judgment. We'll see soon enough.

Thanks for the supportive words. It's nice to see strangers online actually cheer me on in this endeavor even if they don't necessarily endorse it.

You know, it took me years to reach this conclusion, but when my ex offered up the simple explanation that, "You're just not a monogamous person. You're capable of it, but it's a struggle for you," it felt like a lightning bolt went off in my head. She was right. I'm not a monogamous person. I don't know how non-monogamous I am -- I'm probably pretty tame compared to a lot of polys found on this site -- but I do know that the sooner I accept this, the less heartbreak there will be in the future.

Yes, biologically we are not inclined to monogamy, but I do think we need to stop using that as an open-ended excuse to justify our desire for lots of filthy, filthy sex. People like to use that blanket statement to bash monogamy, but they tend to quickly (and irrationally) disregard why monogamy is so revered in the first place. Of course, commitment is the key to any relationship, but a majority of people want to give themselves completely to one person and one person only. Who's to say that the majority is necessarily wrong?

Monogamy is a bitch because it requires faithfulness to one person for the rest of your life. Who wouldn't be a little intimidated by that request? But polygamy is no picnic either. The more outside influence you add to a relationship, the harder it is to build trust and strengthen an emotional bond. Jealousies and insecurities are more likely to surface because it's incredibly rare to find a partner with the same sex drive and the same desire to go out and find others (and/or doesn't care if you go out and find others). Any relationship is a tall order, so what we need to start doing is finding balance. Our minds have evolved at an incredible pace over the millennia, but our bodies are still burdened by animal instinct. Some people only want one lover and will never (or rarely) stray. Some people just want to fuck themselves into oblivion. As long as we find our happiness and bring no harm to others, what's so wrong with either lifestyle? I admire people who can remain faithful to one partner for decade after decade. I'm also in awe of a free-loving couple who can live in a relationship without jealousy or resentment getting in the way. I sincerely applaud both and wish them nothing but success.

I know I'm getting long-winded now, but I would like to end this by recommending to everyone Dan Savage's (of Savage Love fame) wonderful book Skipping Towards Gomorrah. He has incredibly entertaining and thought-provoking perspectives on monogamy, commitment, open marriages and adultery. It's not scripture by any means, but he does make passionate yet rational and straightforward defenses for both the monogamous and polygamous crowds. (Better yet, he also introduces a wonderful theory about relationship structures in the animal kingdom vs. the size of an animal's testicles.) I suggest you and your partner(s) read the Lust chapter together as a means of freely addressing your respective outlooks on love, lust and relationships. You might be surprised by what you find from the expectations you have for yourself and the person(s) you're committed to.

I'm looking forward to it.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this comment thread, ALL OF THIS IS NEGOTIABLE. Seeing as this is my personal journal, though, I thought it would be best to mention what my IDEAL situation would be. I would PREFER that my partner not sleep with other men because I'd likely be much too territorial and critical about which guy she would choose. (Believe it or not, it's more a matter of trusting others than it is trusting her. Could I trust my partner to fly right and come home to me? Likely. But I don't trust other men 'cause I AM A RED-BLOODED, SEXUALLY-DRIVEN MALE and I know EXACTLY how most of us think and what we're capable of as far as taking what's "ours.") I am fully aware that what I am asking is a tall order, but seeing as I'm already seeking an ideal partner -- no easy feat in itself -- it's in my best interest to state my preference. Feel free to use your own journal to list your own demands.

Also, if I remember correctly -- and I've still got a sharp mind at the ripe ol' age of 26 -- relationships are never COMPLETELY open and free. For better or worse, they are rife with odd compromises and nonsensical dealings -- you know, concessions you make specifically because it means spending your time and sharing your love with the one you truly desire. You don't have to like what I'm looking for. But if you add no real insight to what it is that I am seeking and just blindly ignore everything that's already been written here, you're wasting my fucking time.

You've just revealed that you're incapable of reading a concise one-page essay about what I essentially DON'T WANT, and now you've decided to wag your finger in my direction far too late in the game. Simply, I don't care if I had you up until a certain point or another; it's all too apparent that you never had me at all.

sorry that you took my journal post so rudely....i was trying to agree with you...you said alot of things that i personally agree with at this point in my life. honestly, we are looking for alot of the same things....though i am looking for a fully open relationship where both partners could see agreed upon outsiders perhaps together or perhaps alone. i wasn't trying to simply put my 2 cents in to disagree with your thoughts (which, by the way, i DID read and I think that I am sharp enough to have understood)...apparently my response didn't do my opinion justice. i think it takes alot of courage to say what you did, especially given that you are openly and knowingly applying a double standard. i never said i didn't like what you were looking for or that i didn't understand that your post was regarding an ideal situation...as again...it is similar to what i am looking for...though my personal ideal goes a bit further than yours, and, i think, deserves every bit as much respect as yours. again, perhaps i phrased it incorrectly, but i liked your profile and your post. i apologise if you were offended in any way.

To which I responded:

When you post a comment that says, "You had me until . . .", I have no choice but to take it literally: "You had me until you said something that I disagree with so passionately that I suddenly lost interest." Which is fine; you don't have to be interested in me. However, when you post a patronizing one-liner -- and that's what it was -- in my comments section that is the rough equivalent to finger-wagging, it deserves a response. If I let you "tsk tsk" me in such an inappropriate way, it allows every new person who reads that essay to make even more assumptions about me. (And I already have enough people jumping to conclusions as is.) It plants the wrong idea in their head that I'm looking for the grand "Open Relationship" when in reality I never once used that word in the essay. And there's a reason why I avoided it. There's also a reason why I used the incredibly awkward "Non-Monogamy" instead of the go-to "Polyamory". Yes, for all intents and purposes, I might as well be asking for such, but my preferences state otherwise, and that's why I don't throw around such designations loosely. I'm trying to respect those out there who are truly polyamorous and don't appreciate being lumped in with the horndog who wants a little more than one person in the bedroom every now and then.

Your apology is accepted. I am not offended nor am I mad at you. And I wish you the best of luck in whatever it is you seek as well.

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I posted this to reveal even more insight as to what I'm looking for. I am not polyamorous. I am at most (a twinge) polygamous. But like I said before, what I pretty much want is a girl who likes MFF threeways. And if she's the type that will actually allow me to play with another girl every now and then -- perhaps one of the girls we regularly play with anyway? -- I would be okay if she (seriously) dated and/or played with other girls. As far as her dating and/or playing with other guys, I'm just not sure about it yet. Could I be okay with it? Maybe. (And that's not a veiled "No" -- it's a "Maybe.") Do I prefer it? NO! That's just how I feel, and I'm sure I'm not the first nor will I be the last to feel this way. HOWEVER, I'm still willing to discuss it further and keep an open mind when I finally meet that special someone that I truly want to share my time and love with. This essay was simply to give fair warning to any serious potential suitors that like it or not this discussion will take place before things get too serious. If I'm going to be a cheater, I might as well be an honest one. Settling for less is no longer a viable (or ethical) option. It's time to go for broke or go home alone.

Overall, I LOVE the idea of having ONE partner who I can share my life with and who I can trust will be there in times of want AND need. However, for better or for worse, I also want a partner who is willing to up the ante on the everyday conventional sex life, whether it's together or by giving me the "Okay" to stray every now and then. I'm seriously not out to conquer the world. I just want to satiate my sexual appetite to the degree that I see fit. One partner can do that for most of the time (thus, I'm more monogamous than not) . . . but if I'm ALWAYS going to want more, why not try for more? Why not TRY to find someone who matches what I'm looking for? So far I've been pleasantly surprised with the people I've met since putting these cards on the table. I'll take that as proof enough that I'm on the right track.