i consider myself simple.
and i'm wrong, sometimes.
it seems i have an endless supply. it's the guiding principle of my life; a value so deeply ingrained that i forget i have it. mum says i've always been like this, she worried about me when i was a kid because i was always trying to make peace with the rough bunch. i don't judge, and i heal fast, it makes me the eternal optimist. i rarely feel wronged, and when i do, it turns into reflection, which opens my eyes, and increases my compassion. it affects my worldview so profoundly that i'm smiling most of the time, singing a happy tune, and driving people crazy because i can be too damned sunny; i'm learning to sit back and just watch more -- i love doing that.
i learned, in the summer of 2011, that my feelings of compassion are well described by the discovery did a lot to quell my feelings of being a freak; there are others like me, albeit grand masters and spread far and wide. in late 2012, i took vows. they're completely secular, promises to all living things really. it was scary to let go of control like that. they've helped me stay focused, grounded and fearless, especially when times feel rough. rough times slip by, so do happy times. i sit back and watch them now.
a thousand years of active and constantly reflected wisdom is something that's earned my trust. aspects i don't understand, i stay open to, and think about. so far, i've always found reason behind them; this further builds my trust; it's a healthy cycle. it surprised me that i was ready for this, i spent my life as a staunch atheist, but buddhism is not about god, and that resonates with my understanding of things. it's a collection of wisdom, a philosophy where are the core. i'm a free thinker, i just happen to agree, surprisingly often, with how the buddhist scholars describe things. i don't preach, and i'm open to all viewpoints.
i don't take sides. i look for what's the most right, the most fair, in the moment, considering the future, that has the best chance at inspiring the common good. sometimes that means i choose blue, and sometimes, it means red. i wish that purple were a choice. i love every color of the rainbow, and the range of hues is infinite really. i realize that it's easier to deal with things when they're categorized, and often, the differences are minute, but i reject the pull to do that and treat each person as the individual they are. i don't get hung up on differences. things shift. there are no perfect solutions, and i try to choose carefully without getting ground to a stop.
sometimes this causes conflict with being non-partisan... i'm not blindly loyal, that means i won't always agree with you, but i'll stick around even if you hurt me until we figure out what's right, together. i don't fight back. i trust you; i want to understand you; i know that's the second step to fixing things. if you've won my trust, i'm there for you, always.
i'm civil, and behave well, almost always. i slip up occasionally, emotions do that, i go back and offer truthful amends when i settle down; it doesn't take me long. read my apology to chuck pahlaniuk and his fans if you want to understand me better; i fucked up big time in 2011. it's rare that i get upset, maybe two or three times a year, and it's usually with someone different every time. i'm very grounded. i'm easy to get along with. people seem to miss that, and i often the feel like the mirror of their nightmares; it's a bit of a curse, and something i don't know how to stop from happening... do you?
, i try to remember that the person i'm arguing with is worthy of respect, and hope that they value me as well. i have no pride: when i'm wrong, i take the blame, i make changes and i offer amends. i'm forgiving, and i forget the past; and i remember that the other person has acted in good faith, with their version of honesty and truth. i've been lucky, i haven't met any malicious people in my life.
i've had crushes, infatuations, and experienced deep and undying love. they're all beautiful, but love is the only one that endures with me. i don't fall in love often, and i'm glad for that, those times have been special. my intuition is good, and i still love people from my past. i've loved both women, and men, profoundly in my life, but i'm only attracted to women, sexually. i'm inspired by integrity and courage, my love grows for people who are real, i value courage above all things; the courage to follow one's heart, especially.
, i'm still learning how to give, especially the intangibles. i learned, recently, that i'm not afraid to give my loved ones all my material possessions, but developing and offering deep and well-considered understanding is something new for me. i'm learning a deeper level of empathy these days.
i play nice! : ) really. it's genuine too. i love people. i'm finally understanding what the saying, "walk a mile in their shoes" means, though. and i'm trying to see the world through the eyes of others so that i don't unintentionally hurt them; different people need different approaches; i'm learning to be more observant. and i care... lots! i'm sensitive to others, but not well practiced yet.
it's okay, but i've been bitten by the false hope it offers, so i don't take it seriously. there's a lot of projection that goes on while getting to know others, and that's exaggerated with the minimal contact this environment offers. i've noticed that it's too easy to cast inner fears on others when a human face isn't there across the table. it's not as plain as it seems to be; there's a lot of illusion involved. i've been here, on and off, since the spring of 2010; the experience has tempered my expectations. i see how the hope it inspires is unreal, and i keep my eyes open, taking my time getting to know others before thinking i do.
and, finally, when i feel accepted, and trusted, i relax, make jokes, goof around, goof up, hug, kiss, laugh, and fix things. i'm a great hugger, and i love getting cheek to cheek. i'm easy that way. in three words, i'm: interested, thoughtful, and caring.
i meditate regularly. it's affected my life. some of the discoveries hurt. it helps me see more objectively. sometimes nothing happens for a while. it's not about feeling good. it's made me cry once or twice. it's made me laugh once or twice. it's not about zoning out. it's not behavior modification. usually it's uneventful. but i know that it's changing my brain, and it gives me distance from impulses. it's interesting to watch the thoughts in my head while sitting; doing nothing helps me detach from mindless actions. i sit with no ambitions, open to whatever comes, or doesn't. sometimes it's really boring, but i do it anyway.
presently, i'm not looking for a relationship. i'm open to friendship, though! if you'd like to talk, i'd be grateful for the company. i start , and i'm always ready to explore communication, emotion, the mind and the relationship between these things.
in the spirit of full disclosure, i live in montreal right now; it's not a permanent situation. i might walk the camino de santiago de compostela this summer, or busk Central Park -- i let myself dream and i have fun with it. i'm looking for friends. i like exploring. i enjoy the countryside... and the sky - i love the sky... clouds, sunsets, stars, birds, contrails, kites.
thanks for visiting, you're very generous to have read this far.