i love life.
i consider myself simple.
i'm honest.
and i'm wrong, sometimes.

i'm compassionate:
it's the most important thing. it seems i have an endless supply. it's the guiding principle of my life; a value so deeply ingrained that i forget i have it. mum says i've always been like this, she worried about me when i was a kid because i was always trying to make peace with the rough bunch. i don't judge, and i heal fast, it makes me the eternal optimist. i rarely feel wronged, and when i do, it turns into reflection, which opens my eyes, and increases my compassion. it affects my worldview so profoundly that i'm smiling most of the time, singing a happy tune, and driving people crazy because i can be too damned sunny; i'm learning to sit back and just watch more -- i love doing that.

[: )]

i learned, in the summer of 2011, that my feelings of compassion are well described by the tibetan scholars. the discovery did a lot to quell my feelings of being a freak; there are others like me, albeit grand masters and spread far and wide. in late 2012, i took vows. they're completely secular, promises to all living things really. it was scary to let go of control like that. they've helped me stay focused, grounded and fearless, especially when times feel rough. rough times slip by, so do happy times. i sit back and watch them now.

a thousand years of active and constantly reflected wisdom is something that's earned my trust. aspects i don't understand, i stay open to, and think about. so far, i've always found reason behind them; this further builds my trust; it's a healthy cycle. it surprised me that i was ready for this, i spent my life as a staunch atheist, but buddhism is not about god, and that resonates with my understanding of things. it's a collection of wisdom, a philosophy where love and kindness are the core. i'm a free thinker, i just happen to agree, surprisingly often, with how the buddhist scholars describe things. i don't preach, and i'm open to all viewpoints.

i'm non-partisan:
i don't take sides. i look for what's the most right, the most fair, in the moment, considering the future, that has the best chance at inspiring the common good. sometimes that means i choose blue, and sometimes, it means red. i wish that purple were a choice. i love every color of the rainbow, and the range of hues is infinite really. i realize that it's easier to deal with things when they're categorized, and often, the differences are minute, but i reject the pull to do that and treat each person as the individual they are. i don't get hung up on differences. things shift. there are no perfect solutions, and i try to choose carefully without getting ground to a stop.

i'm loyal:
i put myself second to the people i love. sometimes this causes conflict with being non-partisan... i'm not blindly loyal, that means i won't always agree with you, but i'll stick around even if you hurt me until we figure out what's right, together. i don't fight back. i trust you; i want to understand you; i know that's the second step to fixing things. if you've won my trust, i'm there for you, always.

i'm civil, and behave well, almost always. i slip up occasionally, emotions do that, i go back and offer truthful amends when i settle down; it doesn't take me long. read my apology to chuck pahlaniuk and his fans if you want to understand me better; i fucked up big time in 2011. it's rare that i get upset, maybe two or three times a year, and it's usually with someone different every time. i'm very grounded. i'm easy to get along with. people seem to miss that, and i often the feel like the mirror of their nightmares; it's a bit of a curse, and something i don't know how to stop from happening... do you?

when disagreements happen, i try to remember that the person i'm arguing with is worthy of respect, and hope that they value me as well. i have no pride: when i'm wrong, i take the blame, i make changes and i offer amends. i'm forgiving, and i forget the past; and i remember that the other person has acted in good faith, with their version of honesty and truth. i've been lucky, i haven't met any malicious people in my life.

love? i've had crushes, infatuations, and experienced deep and undying love. they're all beautiful, but love is the only one that endures with me. i don't fall in love often, and i'm glad for that, those times have been special. my intuition is good, and i still love people from my past. i've loved both women, and men, profoundly in my life, but i'm only attracted to women, sexually. i'm inspired by integrity and courage, my love grows for people who are real, i value courage above all things; the courage to follow one's heart, especially.

as far as relationships go, i'm still learning how to give, especially the intangibles. i learned, recently, that i'm not afraid to give my loved ones all my material possessions, but developing and offering deep and well-considered understanding is something new for me. i'm learning a deeper level of empathy these days.

how do i relate to others? i play nice! : ) really. it's genuine too. i love people. i'm finally understanding what the saying, "walk a mile in their shoes" means, though. and i'm trying to see the world through the eyes of others so that i don't unintentionally hurt them; different people need different approaches; i'm learning to be more observant. and i care... lots! i'm sensitive to others, but not well practiced yet.

online dating? it's okay, but i've been bitten by the false hope it offers, so i don't take it seriously. there's a lot of projection that goes on while getting to know others, and that's exaggerated with the minimal contact this environment offers. i've noticed that it's too easy to cast inner fears on others when a human face isn't there across the table. it's not as plain as it seems to be; there's a lot of illusion involved. i've been here, on and off, since the spring of 2010; the experience has tempered my expectations. i see how the hope it inspires is unreal, and i keep my eyes open, taking my time getting to know others before thinking i do.

and, finally, my thoughts about me. when i feel accepted, and trusted, i relax, make jokes, goof around, goof up, hug, kiss, laugh, and fix things. i'm a great hugger, and i love getting cheek to cheek. i'm easy that way. in three words, i'm: interested, thoughtful, and caring.

i meditate regularly. it's affected my life. some of the discoveries hurt. it helps me see more objectively. sometimes nothing happens for a while. it's not about feeling good. it's made me cry once or twice. it's made me laugh once or twice. it's not about zoning out. it's not behavior modification. usually it's uneventful. but i know that it's changing my brain, and it gives me distance from impulses. it's interesting to watch the thoughts in my head while sitting; doing nothing helps me detach from mindless actions. i sit with no ambitions, open to whatever comes, or doesn't. sometimes it's really boring, but i do it anyway.

presently, i'm not looking for a relationship. i'm open to friendship, though! if you'd like to talk, i'd be grateful for the company. i start discussions on books and movies in my blog, and i'm always ready to explore communication, emotion, the mind and the relationship between these things.

in the spirit of full disclosure, i live in montreal right now; it's not a permanent situation. i might walk the camino de santiago de compostela this summer, or busk Central Park -- i let myself dream and i have fun with it. i'm looking for friends. i like exploring. i enjoy the countryside... and the sky - i love the sky... clouds, sunsets, stars, birds, contrails, kites.

thanks for visiting, you're very generous to have read this far.

mostly, i'm rounding out my education, and preparing the next adventure. i've had a successful career, but it cost most of my energy for the last three decades. nine hour days, and three hours of commuting left me drained. too often, hours of shoveling snow, trundling groceries, and keeping the house and cars in decent condition added to the burden, and the years slipped by. i can't believe i'm pushing fifty already.

i've been lucky in having a successful life, and, until recently, less so in finding interesting people to share it with. i'm balancing things out now. i'm grateful i have the chance to do that. it's a blessing; i don't take it for granted.

i'd go back to full time work if my family needed it, but they don't, and i'm tired of feeling half-informed. i want to feel sure of what i say, and know when to say nothing. this is my time to grow that intention into practice.

i have a desire to help others and i'm getting involved in hospice/post-hospice work. empathic by nature, this feels like the right way to go.

in my spare time...
- i develop web sites.
- i write. non-fiction mostly, colored slightly with bad poetry.
- i play with linux, shifting my professional interests towards community endeavors.
- i try to dream up elegant ways to use this electronic paper you're holding more effectively for communication. i've seen how easy it is to misunderstand written words, and i'd like to enhance things so that mood can be reflected in writing; perhaps integrating bio-feedback from the sender into the message so the receiver could feel the intent and wipe out some of the ambiguities. wouldn't that be something?
- i play my ukelele, and my guitar. i love the feel of the music against my chest. i like it best to play with others.
- surprisingly, i like the sound of a live banjo, and i miss it.

i'm taking time to refocus. i have the chance, now, to make fresh, unhurried choices. i want them to be thought out. i've been impetuous in the past, and it's served me well, i've had a lot of fun, but now i'm learning to let things sit a bit and look for lasting potential. flash in the pan is great fun, but it doesn't leave much behind. i'd rather sit on the side of a lake than go to fireworks, but i love them both. sometimes, choices don't offer both... i'd like the lake, please.

i'm grateful for what i have, and searching for what's best for my family.

i love the arts. i've been told that i'm not very good at knowing the difference between pap and beauty, so i'm taking the time to discover. i trust the person who told me this; they've got good taste, they're discerning, well meaning, and trustworthy. i hope my next career helps stimulate others to play in the arts. images and sounds stimulate me in ways words can't, and i'd love to share that. i try to draw once in a while, and i think i'll be painting some time soon. i have better luck with digital, but it's not analog enough for me... know what i mean?

a few things. what i focus on depends on the company i keep.

i'm adept, and perceptive, and quietly optimistic. i perservere. i get better each time i try something. i've been successful at many things.

i'm not afraid of dirty work, and i pitch in at home. i don't allow gender to dictate what i do or don't do.

left alone, i spend my time meditating on empathy, compassion and love.

i don't know any more. honest.

if people notice anything about me, i hope it's that i'm caring. i don't mind being invisible otherwise.

i've been reading a lot lately, and watching movies selectively. i flip through some stuff quickly though, when i recognize that i'm not getting it. on the flip side, i've found meaningful work in unexpected places. i stay open, and give everything a chance; some things get chances again later. if someone else sees value in something i don't, i might need to look at it differently, my perspective is lacking something. i take that as a signal that i've found a lack in myself and i ask around, coming back to the work when someone's offered a new angle to try.

chuck pahlaniuk's 'pygmy' is an example of needs-to-be-reread-with-fresh-eyes. of all his books, there were only two that left me unimpressed. there's a sad and embarrassing story about that: here.

recently, i finished patti smith's 'just kids'. i picked it up because i'd seen it mentioned so much. it was good, but not great in any standout way -- her movie was better, but i think reading the book made it so. her book helped me understand mapplethorpe, though; an artist i couldn't figure out before; i like this kind of growth.

the book inspired me to listen to her music. she's a lot gentler than i imagined, and good hearted, that was a surprise. i've known of her for a long time, but only through remakes of her music by others; i've always liked original work better than covers and am glad i found her, finally. she has a film out called 'dream of life'; it's an autobiography that took 11 years to film and produce. more art film than bio really; it's multidimensional. people like patti inspire me; they listen to their hearts and live with integrity - i'm grateful for the work they share to me.

i've also read a couple of books that touch on neuroscience and the workings of our minds. communication and love are two subjects i'm very interested in; i sense that i should be better at both, and i'm hoping to find ways to develop myself so i can be a better friend. if i can call anything important in my life, it's my relationship with others and I'm tired of feeling like a failure at that. i try, but there's something amiss, too often, for my taste... i'm working on it.

audio books are helping me through 'moby dick', and i'm about to start 'les miserables'.

i just finished 'on the road' also; i was surprised how low-key it was. i expected it to be crazier, like hunter douglas. i didn't think much of it, but it was written fifty years ago, and i'm keeping that in mind. i was wondering how come my friend's kid was reading it, and i just found out they recently made it into a movie.

i found 'american splendor' at the library and chanced watching it... it was good!, eye opening actually, have you seen it? yeah, i know, i told you, i'm ten years behind : (

stuff i like:
(these are all links, btw, in case you're on your phone)

books | movies | poetry | art
discussions | questions
places | music | food
www | videos | tv

having a laugh : )

playing tennis; my cousins and i finally decided to do something together.

i'm embarrassed that i wrote so much. i feel like i'm trying to sell myself, and i don't like it. i wish you could meet me and judge for yourself.

i'd rather spend my time and energy getting to know you better by going to a museum, or a place in the country for a hike, or making a meal together; anything that we can do together and talk over. i love discovering stuff, and i'd like a friend to do that with.

if you're interested in talking with me, maybe one of the conversation starters would let you introduce yourself?: click