I'm going to put up the major reasons why you shouldn't talk to me.
I'm talkative as a motherfucker. I swear like a sailor. I'll swear at YOU.
I read a lot. I look down on those who don't read for fun. I read genre fiction. I resent those who look down on me for doing so. I know a lot of words, and they try to get out of my mouth – all at the same time. I'm constantly afraid of using words inappropriately. I was a Hooked-On-Phonics baby. I very rarely use more than a few words of Authentic African-American Argot when I talk. I understand the Authentic African-American Argot quite well. Je parle le francais – un peu, un peu.
I don't like clubs. I don't like to dance outside of clubs. I've got an awesome sense of rhythm. I say punk is dead. I say rock is dead. I say anyone who says otherwise doesn't listen to enough television commercials. I say, who cares – I love Metallica, anyway.
I'm an extroverted introvert. I come across as a cocky bastard. I AM a cocky bastard. I'm not a cocky bastard. I'm actually a really great guy, who forgives too easily, and is painfully loyal. I hold open doors for women – and, anyone else coming behind me, or in front of me, depending on the door. I help people with packages, with children in strollers, and with drunk friends, up and down subway staircases. I give money and time to the homeless and less fortunate, and I do these things without thinking and I've got to hide that from the cold, cruel world at large. I don't give myself enough credit.
I'm not looking for just sex. I am looking for sex. I think about sex WAY too much. I'll think about sex with YOU way too much. I'll want to cuddle afterwards. I'm kinky. I need more practice. I need more practice partners. I read up on sexual technique far more than the average bear. I'm almost unflappable. I'm accepting of your flaws. I'm paranoid of my own. I'll think of you and only you when I'm with you. I'll think of food I'd like to eat after sex. I'll think of burritos – or nachos. I don't think of both at the same time.
I'm crazy. I'm fascinated with forbidden things, and arrogant enough to think I can handle it. I hurt myself from time-to-time to test my limits and know what I can handle. I live vicariously through my friends. I have LOTS of friends and they're some of the coolest, most interesting motherfuckers I know. I know LOTS of cool, interesting motherfuckers.
I'm known for being painfully blunt when you need me to be. I sometimes regret the things I've said. I have lots of regrets. I say a lot of stupid shit. I'm not afraid to crack corny jokes. I crack a lot of corny jokes.
If you're completely turned off – the exit's that way, thank you.
If you're still reading – you poor bastard. Well! It can only get better from here.
I am an eagle, a dragon, and Jude Law