On any given day, I'm blindsided with a one-two punch of depression, anxiety, misanthropy and shame. I have literally no idea what's going to happen to me, or even if I have a choice in the matter. It makes things weird, and I honestly have no idea how to get myself out of this hole. I'm seeing a shrink, I'm taking very expensive meds (thank you American healthcare system), but its all a quick-fix for a long-term problem. Basically, it's just this overwhelming cloud of apathy and inferiority that surrounds me at all times. I don't want to go to parties, I don't want to follow sports, I don't want go outdoors, I just want to lie on my couch, drink a Vanilla Coke and switch back and forth between my Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr until I realize the day's gone, because that's literally the only thing I feel like doing.
But if we're going to discuss deficiencies, let's start with the physical ones. I hate my hair, I hate my face, and I hate how my body occasionally decides to sprout non-cancerous moles. I have the complexion of a 14 year-old and the belly of a 50 year-old. I'm too hairy and I shave it all off every few months out of sheer frustration. The only feature I like are my eyes, and they don't even work properly (nearsighted). I fantasize everyday how much better life would be if I were Mystique from the X-Men, and I could just change myself based on my everchanging whims. I wouldn't even make myself good looking. Not an Adonis. I'd just want to look different. Different hair, different build, different height, different age, different gender, different race, I don't care. At least I would be in charge of something and maybe I could feel good about myself for two lousy seconds.
And for the sake of transparency, let's just add a few more to this brand-spanking new list of reasons you've stopped reading my profile. I can't make a phone call without going over it in my head thirteen times, and even then I stumble over thirty percent of everything that comes out my mouth. I labor over every faux pas for years. I think hostile thoughts about completely innocent people, and I genuinely worry I might be a sociopath because of it. I've never been in a relationship lasting longer than three months because I can't fucking deal with the fact that somebody might actually want to voluntarily spend time with me, and they might actually want to do something that involves social interaction beyond a text message. And I guess that's the coup de grace. I'm messed up, but I hold on hope because who knows? Maybe somebody out there is just as messed up as me.