Sorry for the cruddy photo. I'm one of those people who 1) doesn't like having his picture taken and 2) isn't particularly photogenic; therefore, I just don't have that many good photos of myself. Perhaps someday I'll upload a few more for variety anyway.

First, the good news: It appears that I'm about to come into several significant inheritances! Some gentlemen from Nigeria have recently contacted me to let me know that they're waiting for me to claim the money; I need only get back to them and they'll send it on! This is all a bit strange, granted -- heck, I didn't even know that I had any relatives in Nigeria. And, to be fair, it's rather sad: There must have been a terrible bus accident or something involving a number of my close family members.

Still... ka-CHING!, you know? All of that cash will come in handy when I buy those Rolexes that I've been offered at incredible savings.

Now, the bad news:

I'm kind of a dork.

I'm ultimately looking for love, but my heart is really, really, really freakin' picky. I just don't fall in love often. On the plus side, if you're rather perfect for me -- loving, kind, sweet, spiritual, sincere, gentle, encouraging, patient, clever, funny, imaginative, and, of course, a dead ringer for Starlet du Jour #793 -- and I sense that we're just DESTINED to be together, I'll probably fall madly in love with you and pine for you whenever we're apart like a man who belongs in an asylum!

Wait... that very last part... that's not a plus side, is it?

Let's try again: On the plus side, I do find something to like in almost everybody, and friendship is always an option for me.

I'm not religious and I'm not interested in converting, so I might not be able to honestly participate in what most fulfills you yourself. I mean, if you're Christian or Muslim or Hindu or whatever, that's very cool, and I'm glad that you are; I'm not personally drawn to religion, however.

Although I'm not religious, I am strongly interested in spirituality, metaphysics, and paranormal topics. If you're committed to materialism or scientism, we might find ourselves in conflict rather regularly. I like speculating about the potential nature of spirits, telepathy, precognition, the afterlife, reincarnation, synchronicity, forteana, and, indeed, love.

I'm strongly interested in philosophy. If you dislike conversations that involve ontology, epistemology, ethics, semantics, and aesthetics, a lot of what I have to say will probably bore you. To tears. Tears will come out of your eyes and then might actually try to find a way out of the room.

I like distance at first. The closer you are to where I live, the more cautious I'll be if you contact me. I don't want to meet in person tonight. I don't want to meet in person tomorrow. I doubt that I'll want to meet in person next week. I want to learn about you slowly and build up an irresistible connection; I don't want to get involved in anything superficial. I actually find the distance promising -- romantic, even!

As for the future? I honestly don't know. I've learned that I'm willing to relocate -- I've lived around the world, actually -- but I'd also be open to having somebody relocate to here. I acknowledge that in the end I would like to live alongside somebody in body in addition to in mind and in heart.

I really love animals. Cats. Rodents. Ferrets. Rabbits. Heck, pretty much any animal that's not actually biting me. If you're allergic... well, maybe we can work something out. If you simply dislike animals, I'm probably not for you.

I like the rain. I like the fog. I prefer a rainy, foggy, gloomy day to a sunny one.

I'm a country boy. I don't get the city. I will live in a city.

I'm poor and, for better or for worse, I just don't pursue material wealth. I have to admit that I'd probably remain poor until doomsday if it wasn't for that Nigerian windfall that I've got lined up.

I'm a night owl. Generally when I see the dawn it's just because I've stayed up all night.

I often write fiction and poetry. Or, rather, I often try to write fiction and poetry. And to quote Mignon McLaughlin: "Anyone can write. The trouble with writers is that they can't do anything else."

I'm not Batman.

(If you are Batman, please message me and tell me what Commissioner Gordon is like. I'm curious.)

I'm super passionate about The Beatles. I listen to demos, outtakes, remixes, everything. Over half of the songs on my MP3 player are by them. If you yourself dislike The Beatles, you're probably going to want to bring some earplugs along when you come to talk with me. (Or a really patient duck who'll stick the tips of his wings in your ears.)

You know, I just love music in general. You'll often find me listening to it. You'll often hear me singing, too. Not necessarily well.

I like pen and paper roleplaying games. Yeah: I'd enjoy sitting down with a group of people to pretend that some aliens, some elves, and a wizard are going on an adventure to find a legendary toaster oven. Fantasy is cool; horror is cool; science fiction is cool. I just enjoy gaming.

I don't understand fashion. I don't understand shoes. I don't understand Sex and the City. I hear words coming out of characters' mouths, but they might as well be in Kazakhstani. That said, I have for some reason regularly ended up with a woman who just loves fashion. Often I've felt the need for an interpreter, but I've never been able to find one.

As a reminder, I'm kind of a dork.

I like dorks.

I really like shy women. You know -- the kind who are generally too shy to initiate contact with a guy?

I like bondage. Yeah. Yeah, I like... you know... tying... er... up... during... er... yeah. I don't like being tied up, though. Better that you know now.

I'm depressed. Often. About several different issues that I consider fundamental to existence. I don't mind discussing any of it, but I generally don't have much to say. Just please do keep in mind that although I genuinely do value humor, sociability, and joy, I am at heart rather melancholic.

I really do like humor, especially surreal or absurd humor. I like the Marx Brothers and Monty Python. Hey, and The Beatles, too! Eddie Izzard is probably the youngest comedian that I try to keep track of. You yourself needn't be funny, but if you don't laugh pretty regularly I'm liable to ask questions like, "What color is the sky on your world?"

(The color of the sky on my world is blue. But I'm not from Earth!)

I believe in love, for better or for worse. I really do.

I am loving, willful, and spirited

I'd like to write pulp poetry and prose -- really -- but I've been trained as an educator. I've earned a BA; I'd like to move on to a master's degree, but I'm taking my time on that, because I don't want to take out massive loans. All things considered, I'm less likely than everybody else to become rich at any point in the future.

My favorite musicians include The Beatles (I really like George Harrison), The Who, Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, and Donovan; I like Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Vivaldi, Tchaikovsky, and Rachmaninoff a lot, too, as dorky as that may sound to some. Other musicians that I think are pretty good: Warren Zevon, Sting, Peter Gabriel, U2, Beck, R.E.M., Radiohead, The Cranberries, and Tom Waits.

My favorite writers, meanwhile, include Joyce, Poe, Lovecraft, P.K. Dick, Tolkien, Dostoyevsky, Emerson, Thoreau, Frost, Whitman, Blake, Joseph Campbell, Lewis Carroll, Dr. Seuss, and Richard Scarry. (And I should mention the book A Confederacy of Dunces, which I thought was outstanding.)

My favorite visual artists include da Vinci, Escher, Pollock, Picasso, Manet, Monet, Matisse, van Gogh, Dali, Kandinsky, Bosch, Klee, and Austin Osman Spare. I understand that that's not a category here, but... why not?

My favorite films include Life of Brian, the The Lord of the Rings trilogy, A Hard Day's Night, Help!, Yellow Submarine, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Star Wars, Blade Runner, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, and Apocalypse Now. Honorable mentions include Brazil, The Big Lebowski, Army of Darkness, A Clockwork Orange, The Princess Bride, Fight Club, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, Memento, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Usual Suspects, Magnolia, Dr. Strangelove, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Singin' in the Rain.

Finally, my favorite television shows include The Prisoner (whence my geeky username), Monty Python's Flying Circus, MST3K, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, Fawlty Towers, Sesame Street, and The Muppet Show. Honorable mentions include The Simpsons, Futurama, and Duckman.

Warthogs...

I certainly am!

There's nothing you can make that can't be made

No one you can save that can't be saved

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time

It's easy

I'm extremely interested in all facets of human life, including you. Tell me you are a mariner...

I can get along with nearly anybody. That said, I tend to most like people who are kind, nonjudgmental, imaginative and artistic, earthy, and possess a good sense of humor. If you're that kind of person, please do message me. Oh, and definitely write to me if you like conlanging. Write to me if you like Thundercats. Write to me if you know all of the words to "You Only Live Twice." Write to me if you speak Icelandic, Sumerian, or Breton. Write to me if you've had you heart broken, or, alternatively, if you've never had your heart broken. Write to me if you have neither "been there" nor "done that." Write to me if you like impressionism, expressionism, or surrealism. Write to me if you have badgers and KNOW HOW TO USE THEM. Write to me if you think that it's actually rather funny when people use all capitals like that. Write to me if you know the difference between iambic tetrameter and anapestic trimeter. Write to me if you've hiked the Appalachian Trail. Write to me if there's a stupid joke that always makes you laugh.

You know what? Just write to me. That's easier.

Oh, and as a note, I generally don't have my OkCupid instant messenger turned on. That's not because I'm opposed to chatting, though; rather, I just don't always have the time for a chat. If you're interested in a chat, just drop me a message -- we can try to work out a time.