28 Portland, OR
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My self-summary
My Myers-Briggs type is IDGAF.

I'm just a Kevin Federline looking for his Britney.

Here's a Pun: How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh? Ten tickles.

I create things sometimes. I wouldn't call myself an artist because it's purely for amusement and I'll never charge for commissioned work. I do it to wind down and relax. I don't like to call it Art, it's called "Ert". Ert is Art's annoying little brother that tries to emulate everything he does. If you're using the website and not the app, you can see the nerdy paintings in my photos.

I have my own car, I feel like that's kind of rare in Portland.

I'm 5'10" and 3/4ths but I usually round up to 6'7".

I'm from New Hampshire. I live in SouthEast Portland (Sellwood) now.

4 out of 5 nights I cook my own food.

There's a smutty romance novel where the main character's name is the same as mine. I own 6 copies.

I only selected 'New Friends' because 'New Seinfeld' wasn't an option.
What I’m doing with my life
Playing with my puppy, Clementine.

I have a craving for homemade froyo so buying bananas and such and freezing them is what I'm doing with my life today.
I’m really good at
Catching shoplifters in the act like its my job (because it is).

Eating all of your discarded black licorice jellybeans.

Front flips on trampolines.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I'm making scary faces at their small children.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm a glutton for a greatly told story.

Books: Autobiographies and things that remind me of my childhood.

Movies: I will literally watch anything except for another Fast and Furious movie. I have such a man-crush on Dwayne The Rock Johnson but Fast Five and Six were pure hot garbage.

TV: Netflix and Hulu powerwatching. I'm pretty sure Game of Thrones and Adventure Time are set in the same universe. I wish there was infinite episodes of My Strange Addiction and Catfish.

Music: I need to be able to either dance to it, or stare out a window on a rainy day to it. I don't like country music, but I don't want to denigrate those that do. If you like country music: denigrate means 'put down'.
The six things I could never do without
5 pizzas and an OKCupid babe.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Who put the GLAD in GLADiator?!
On a typical Friday night I am
I'll tell you what I'm NOT doing... I'm certainly not eating a tub of kraft macaroni and cheese while catching up on RuPauls Drag Race! Not at all!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I lied about being great at front flips on trampolines.

A girl once wrote an erotic fan-fiction starring me and read it on Huffington Post Live and wrote an article for XO Jane about it. Seriously.
You should message me if
You think grabbing a drink and sitting next to me in a bar sounds like fun. I love meeting new people, that's my purpose on this site. Whether it blossoms into platonic friends, fling or a fade... I just roll with it. I'm not looking for anything serious at the moment.

If we go out let's agree to not have a "job interview" date. Hard to avoid sometimes but UGH!! Amiright?

Ideally I just want someone that will laugh at bronys, neckbeards, bros and juggalos with me.