FUCK YOU

Fuck you stupid whiney cuntish men that couldnt keep up with me if they put their best effort into it.  FUCK YOU for being a stupid anquitated idiot that thinks that I should smile and be cute and let you fucking CHASE ME.  You are AN IDIOT.  You should be trying to better yourself, GET THERE, or be HAPPY BEING A FUCKING COUNTRY BUMPKIN.  Fuck you for suggesting I am too aggressive because ITS SCARY TO MEN, REAL MEN see me as a challenge, REAL MEN see me as someone who could be a betterment to their lives, BITCHES WHO ARE WHINEY AND PATHETIC run scared.  So IF YOU CANNOT KEEP UP WITH ME, OR I SCARE YOU, MAN THE FUCK UP.  it is NOT MY ISSUE or my PROBLEM that I you want some little puppy dog to follow you around, and kiss your ass.  I am not your bitch. 

 

In summation, maybe I am pissed the fuck off, but I am also not a stupid moron who is going to wait for a man to pick me so we can dance on a wood floor covered with hay.  I'm a fucking GROWN UP.  BITCHES.

Life is complicated, situations are complicated, everything is fucking complicated.

There are times when I just don't get it - I dont get someone else's emotional needs, they seem abstract to me.  I believe my issues are my own, and it has never been my intention to be an emotional vampire, however, as relationships progress, situations that have happened within your life that will or have caused you to react in certian ways.

I feel like when a relationship begins, the way that you truely know that you are interested, the way that you know youre committed, me becomes we.  So when your partner is hurt, you are hurt, when your partner has a difficult time you have a difficult time, but that doesnt mean that because someone has been abused, or hurt, or just generally kicked around in life that they should take these issues and push them onto you.  To somehow make you responsible to 'fix' them.

Why do people search for a partner to 'fix' what they feel is wrong.  Having a man in your life will not boost yourself esteem, it will not make your daddy issues, or your abuse issues go away.  These things are internal - these things have to be fixed within your mind and your heart so you can go on to find someone who has hopefully worked on whatever issues they may have had and together you can form a mutally beneficial safe situation wherein you are comfortable, wherein you are able to honor love, and trust someone.  A relationship built on similar pains, and hurts, and abuse will only lead to the same thing, so I guess my question is this - Why would you even begin looking for someone you think you could welcome into your life when you arent emotionally fit?

Why the hell is it so difficult to meet people in Nashville?  I have a job, and my own apartment, and an awesome cat, but I've yet to meet anyone who is halfway willing to even have a conversation! 

The move was hard, and I know what everyone is going to say to me, its only been a few weeks, I know, but I am so used to having a billion friends to hang out with.

So needless to say, I have been a little lonely.  This place is really super duper awesome, there seems to be a million different things to do.  I really like the city, but I would like to be more involved in it.  It seems really cliquish around here, which is hard.  So, Nashville, show me your best, I'm ready to live a little!

One, if you’re wondering about the weight loss, (and you probably aren’t because I haven’t really discussed it with anyone on OkCupid) – Its going well.

I have a friend who works with Jenny Craig and she informed me that the same food that they sell you can buy in any grocery store, and most of the time, its better quality. Apparently, the same factories make and package the food for Banquet, Healthy Choice, Jenny Craig and nutrisystem.

I have now crossed over the 100 pound threshold. It’s a trip, and I don’t really know how to deal with people being so nice to me. I’m still working on it, but now, really, I have no choice. I mean, geez, who gives up after losing 100 pounds. The good news is that I can now run 7 miles a day. Take that skinny mini.

I have recently had some very interesting conversations with some very intelligent people. After dating the same man for so long, I feel so clumsy and like everything I say is bizarre and strange. It’s hard to communicate and express that I like someone without coming on too strong, or coming on like a friend. I realize there is a balance to everything, so eventually I will figure it out.

Anyway, I am sure they already know who they are, and I know this is slightly passive aggressive.

Anyway – moving on from my various issues. A friend of mine and I were talking about the worst way to die today, and I said getting eaten by a big giant snake like that cheesy movie anaconda, but I’ve found something better -

Worker cooked to death at German soup factory
A worker at a German soup factory was cooked to death after being trapped inside a giant cauldron.

By Allan Hall in Berlin

Last Updated: 11:22PM BST 17 May 2009

The accident happened at midday on Friday when the man climbed into a cauldron at the Eraso soup factory in Lübeck to clean it.

The lid suddenly closed while the 36-year-old was still inside and began to fill with steam as part of the disinfection process.
A doctor confirmed that the unidentified man had been cooked to death.

Erasco makes soups, stews and other foods at the Lubeck factory. The company has been in business since 1873.
"The circumstances of how such an accident could have occurred have not yet been explained," said Lubeck police spokesman Detlef Ridel.

So…

I’ve met two people through OkCupid so far, and I figured I would post my astonishing failures to start my journal.

Dude number one was about 25 years older than me, and typically this wouldn’t be my thing. But he contacted me, and we seemed to really hit it off, and we were compatible. We spoke on the phone, and he seemed pretty normal and not really insane, so I figured I would continue talking to him. He begins pushing me really hard to meet him, come see me, meet me somewhere. Eventually (and this is after about two weeks) he convinces me to have lunch with him.

He picks me up from work in an old broke down Lexus. Okay, whatever, you need that validation of driving a Lexus, that’s cool with me. I drive a 1999 ford ranger. I am not so much a car person. We go to an old run down sandwich shop, which by the way is delicious. We sit down to eat, and I am starting to feel a little ill. I have a bleeding ulcer, and I know right now is not the right time to eat. I explained as politely as possible. We laughed, I was nervous, but eventually, I calmed down, we had a nice lunch, he drops me off at work, and hugs me goodbye. I thought things were good.

Then he completely ignored me. Now, if he wasn’t interested in me, I would be cool with that. What I took issue with was the fact that he choose to just ignore me instead of telling me, hey, I’m not attracted to you, or whatever. It’s sort of rude, and it’s like weaseling yourself out of a situation that you created in the first place. You’d think someone his age would be more mature.

Second dude, I really wasn’t too interested in. I met him because I wanted to spend some time with a likeminded person. He shows up, and he’s at least 4 inches shorter than his profile claimed. Here’s the thing about that, if you’re short, or fat or whatever, just be honest. It’s not that big of a deal. I am chunky like the soup, if you don’t dig, that’s alright, but at least I am being honest about it.

So we have a nice conversation, but I start to get tired, it’s late at night at this point, at least 1 in the morning, and he just keeps sitting on my couch. I keep telling him I am tired, but he’s ignoring me, and trying to get me to play video games, and talk to him.

This is when shit gets out of hand – he starts picking the dead skin off his feet, ON MY COUCH. How could this possibly be a good impression to make? Maybe I should be happy that he felt comfortable, but that’s a disgusting habit, and I don’t want your dried skin DNA all over my stuff. So he keeps sitting there until finally I stand up and say, I AM GOING TO BED. Then he gets the message and leaves.

He sends me a text message telling me that I am ‘Not that bad looking’. I would just like to say this now; it is NOT NICE to tell a woman something like that. You could very easily find something nicer to say, that isn’t a halfway compliment. If you find yourself attracted to me, say so.

I told him things weren’t going to work out, and he hasn’t been shitty or anything, he just left me alone, which I do appreciate.
I’m hoping that I will have some future success. Needless to say I will screen my dates a little bit better the next time.

-A