I have a wonderful, mesmerizing, astonishing girlfriend. Currently she is the most important thing in my life... other than crystal meth. I bet you would like to know if that was a joke. Too bad. My turn ons include cuddling on a warm summer's night and long walks on the beach. My turn offs include spam. And no, I don't mean junk e-mail and messages, I mean the canned meat.

I am anthropomorphic, cognizant, and crackerjack

Serial killing is a hobby I hold close to my heart. The blood curdling screams and incessant cries for help just do something for me. When I'm not partaking in murder, I volunteer at my local homeless shelter. During the daylight hours, I pick tulips and daffodils down by the creek near my house. At night, I dump human remains in the creek near my house. I guess you might call me a bit of an extremist. Honestly, I feel this is a tad too personal to answer truthfully.

oral sex, rubbing feet, crushing up pills.
^----- I didn't write that, maryjanerx did.

While I may be more than proficient in regard to those activities, I do excel in other areas. I like to think I am somewhat of a photographer. Occasionally I draw. I am also very good at formulating plans for illegal activities. I can grow marijuana very well, although I don't smoke it (it's a long story). I am really good at stalking attractive women and kidnapping their children. I am very experienced at being paranoid, as I have a variety of underlying mental illnesses. I also told a racist joke one time...JUST KIDDING...that would just be horrible!

My immaculate physique. I was actually chiseled from marble by the gods themselves. If you think that last sentence was true, then you surely don't get my sense of humor. And if you don't get my sense of humor, I can only imagine what you might think of me thus far. Another respectable attribute would be my heroic demeanor. I love rescuing kittens from burning buildings. I have also been known to purposely light buildings on fire with the hope of finding kittens inside.

This may be the only section of my profile I put some serious consideration into.

Books. I am an avid reader. I am interested in philosophy (especially Nietzsche and Schopenhauer) and some psychology. I don't necessarily agree with what Freud proposed, but I definitely give him my respect for his outstanding imagination. I like horror novels and short horror stories. Books on metaphysics and things of that nature intrigue me. Also books on drugs, legal and illegal. I finally recovered my most inclusive drug book, Illegal Drugs, the other day and am looking forward to reading it. I dabble in a few very selective graphic novels. None of that Marvel crap. JTHM, The Walking Dead, The Crow, and Nightmares & Fairy Tales are several occupying my bookshelf. Hunter S. Thompson is definitely an author who I feel should be mentioned. Occasionally I like to compile scrapbooks of naked minors and sell them on Ebay.

As far as movies are concerned, I have enjoyed horror cinema since I was but a young lad. I have come to worship classic horror movies as pieces of art, while despising any piece of shit excuse for a horror movie they have released in the past few years. My personal favorite Halloween (the original of course), Hellraiser, Creepshow, Children of the Corn, House of 1000 Corpses (quite possibly the only recent horror movie I feel deserves praise), Friday the 13th, Night of the Living Dead (the original black and white version), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original series), Evil Dead, Audition, The August Underground movies (if you've heard of these, then wow), Dead Alive, Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer, Spider Baby, Child's Play, The Wizard of Gore, The Gore Gore Girls, really anything by Herschell Gordon Lewis will hold my attention. I have been infatuated with Kevin Smith's movies for a long while and commend him for keeping me entertained throughout the years. I am a dedicated fan of Clerks and Clerks the Animated Series, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Now for a random slew of movies I like: The Acid House, Julien Donkey Boy, Gummo, The Boondock Saints, A Clockwork Orange and Stanley Kubrick films in general, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Warriors, Kids, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Tim Burton in general, Requiem for a Dream, American Psycho, The Corpse Bride, Coraline, Taxi Driver, Pineapple Express, Natural Born Killers, Another Day in Paradise, Spun, Sweeney Todd, and Pi. I have also recently began a small collection of choice TV shows on DVD. So far I have Invader Zim, Freaks and Geeks, Every season of Futurama as well as all of the made for TV movies, The Boondocks, Metalocalypse, Beavis and Butthead (yes, very lame, but it brings back fond memories), and Home Movies.

The music I listen to is very varied, a little bit of everything. A few of my favorites include Slayer, Buckethead, Primus or anything by Les Claypool, Slipknot, Jack Johnson, Beck, Cradle of Filth, Korn, SUBLIME (R.I.P. Bradley), Portishead, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, Pantera, Lamb of God, Prodigy, The Crystal Method, Chemical Brothers, Rage Against the Machine, Whitechapel, White Zombie, A Perfect Circle, Wu-Tang Clan, Dr. Dre's album The Chronic, KRS-One, Marilyn Manson, Mindless Self Indulgence, Nirvana, Massive Attack, Black Mountain, Radiohead, The White Stripes, The Killers, Wolfmother, The Grateful Dead and Jerry Garcia, Tom Petty, Country Joe and the Fish, North Mississippi All Stars, Hatebreed, Job For a Cowboy, iwrestledabearonce, Meshuggah, Bob Marley, G Love and the Special Sauce, Minus the Bear, Richie Havens, Sneaker Pimps, Aphrodite, Mitch Hedburg's comedy CD's, hmmm if I think of anymore I'll let you know. Oh ya, and my lovely girlfriend has introduced me to Bjork.

1. My truly remarkable significant other
2. Heat Seeking Missiles
3. Piranhas
4. Ashton Kutcher... He's so dreamy!!
5. My extensive stuffed animal collection
6. Inconceivably loud African American people

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I'm thinking about. Sometimes I like to think about the most successful way of killing my girlfriend without her parents finding out. I daydream about munging the corpses of my loved ones as a final farewell. I also like to think about what Hitler had that I don't have? Often, I will occupy my thoughts with irrational paranoid delusions and then accuse the clouds of calling me yellow. I occasionally wonder why you are here, but then quickly remind myself that you are here for my amusement. I spend a lot of time thinking about what you spend a lot of time thinking about while you're thinking about what you are thinking about.

Out partying with my bros from the frat house playing beer pong and scamming on girlies. Rooting for the home team at football games and participating in extra curricular activities like rugby. Some Fridays I like to go to Abecrombie and strike a pose in the hopes of attracting a member of the opposite gender with large fake breasts and an eating disorder. <--- On a typical Friday night I am out murdering people like that.

I, not once, but twice had maryjanerx insert a rather large purple vibrator in my butt.

You should message me if any of the fabulous descriptions of my indubitably awesome existence interested you in any way, shape, form, actuality, essence, permanence, duration, continuance, or subsistence. Or you can be stubborn and message me even though you found my profile to be trite or mundane. I can say with complete certainty that you should not message me if you plan to kill, molest, rape, or defile me and my person and not cuddle afterward. Also, do not message me if you don't want to message me because that would just be silly!