That I actually liked Gwen Stefani's first album. Considering I'm a
heterosexual male, that took so much courage to admit!
But seriously, I suppose it would be fear that I'll be forever go
on dud dates. The last few years I've been incredibly unlucky in
the dating department. As examples of that, a recent woman I dated
was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, and the one
before that was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and she told me on
the date she was seeing someone on top of that. A semi-recent one
had tattooed-on eyebrows and was so dumb she literally said "I've
never dated before, but I've dated some dumb ones too" and wasn't
even joking! Speaking of dumb, the last girl I went out on a date
with thought that the capital of Canada was Moscow! Oh, and I can't
forget the second to last girl I went out on a date with-- for some
inexplicable reason she brought both of her brothers to the date! I
feel like I've only been dating women from a madhouse lately!
I perhaps hit a new low in dating hell on my date with the chick
with multiple personality disorder. She picked the spot to meet on
the date, and she decided to meet me in front of a Target (that was
a new one!), apparently due to it being in walking distance of her.
Picking a Target for a 1st date seemed very odd, but I agreed to
Despite her living perhaps only half a mile from the Target, she
gets there over 20 minutes late! I then fairly quickly notice that
she has so much in the way of thick, dark hair growing on her arms
that it looked like it could perhaps be shaved off and fashioned
into a fur coat for Shaquille O'Neal; this girl sported a hair coat
on her arms that rivaled a lowland alpha-male silverback gorilla.
She also literally had more armpit hair than I had, and I hadn't
shaved my armpits in 9 months! It was as if I had discovered the
mythical Yeti in real life. But I tried to look past the
superficial, and focus on her personality. I was able to with mixed
success, and unfortunately her personality was actually worse than
The girl actually had the gall to claim that she was "perfect" and
wasn't joking, and claimed that she'd never met anyone who could
conversationally "keep up" with her. In reality, she was painfully
awkward and was one of those people who kept talking too much
without saying much of note unless it was cringe-worthy, and I'd
have to interrupt her to get a word in. As far as people not being
able to "keep up with her", most 3rd graders with a mental handicap
wouldn't have had much issue keeping up with her.
After about an hour of this horror (I guess I have the patience of
a saint?), she said she needed to go and get her mom something.
Right before we part ways, my arms go out to the side to give the
furry beast a goodbye hug, and she puts her right hand up above her
shoulder in a high-five position and says "I don't like hugs". I
see how awkward things have become, and I figure "Screw it" and say
"Oh, high five time?" and hit her right hand with a high-five as
she's walking away. It was a hilariously awkward culmination to a
hilariously awkward date. It was possibly the worst date I've ever
been on, and that's saying something as I've had quite the
extensive dating history.