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Alex_Portnoy

42 Orlando, FL Man

Man

I’m looking for

  • Everyone
  • Ages 32–52
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 1:49pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Fit
Diet
Mostly vegetarian
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Religion
Atheism, but not too serious about it
Sign
Virgo, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Banking / Finance
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Open relationship
Relationship Type
Non-monogamous
Offspring
Has kids, but doesn’t want more
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Call me Ishmael.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Healing the healthy. Feeding the satiated. Caring for the careless. Being enigmatic.

I don't have any tattoos or piercings because I have an aversion to needles. But if I did get a tattoo it would be on my neck or face and depict a fire-breathing tiger or something equally bad ass.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
1. Chako sticks.
2. Pouring exactly two Tylenol tablets from the container.
3. Parallel parking. I can do it with my eyes closed, hands tied behind my back and heavily sedated and hog tied in the trunk of a black sedan with tinted windows and held captive in a foreign land and beaten for a crime I didn't commit. I am the greatest parallel parker you will ever know.
3. Filling a dishwasher correctly. In the future children will read about my dishwasher filling skills. Museums will be built in my honor and there will be a large bronze statue in the foyer and several interactive exhibits. There also will be a memorial library for academics and scholars. That's how good I am.
4. Finding the clichés everyone puts on their OKCupid dating profile. For instance, everyone is "Living my life" and many are "Living it to the fullest." Also, many "love to laugh" but know "when to be serious." And Friday night activities are limited to the following: "Getting drinks with friends" and/or "At home watching Netflix." Also, most profiles note that if one works hard, he or she also must play hard. If you want to know anything more, most people suggest you ask them. What are the clichés you read over and over again on here? I actually find them fascinating. Like a car crash.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
The peg leg and prison tattoos. Or the hook.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Some favorite books: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, The Sun Also Rises, Goodbye Columbus, American Pastoral, The Man With the Golden Arm, The Suicide Index, Don't Move, The Corrections, The Fixer, The Joke.

It should be noted, I've never read a book about vampires. Not even hunky, teen vampires.

Some favorite movies: Annie Hall, The Godfather, Hard Day's Night, anything with Nancy McKeon or Meredith Baxter Birney. Ideally, both.

I'm not a big movie buff. There are some great ones, but many are lousy. And I can't take most actors seriously. So, yeah. I'm the Holden Caulfield of your wildest dreams.

Music: hipster indie stuff, girl groups, glam rock, anything recorded in 1977, Stooges, Pavement, Velvet Underground, The Dolls, Cramps, Bob Dylan, The Kinks, T. Rex, Smiths, Chic, Moody Self-Pity Rock, Snotty Dandy Brit Rock, Dour Sullen Kraut Rock, Songs About Popping Pills and Dressing in Drag, New York City Noise Rock, Phil Spector, Can, Suicide, Captain Beefheart, Daft Punk, Larry Levan, The Beach Boys, Niagra, every seminal Detroit techno hit from 1985 '86 '87. I play guitar. Music is the only thing I really like.

You know all those shows everyone is talking about? I've not seen them. Sorry. Try me. You'll be surprised at how much TV I've not watched.

I like Thai, Vietnamese and free food.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I'm like a cat, I'll always wind up on my feet.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Guys will only ride a tandem bike if it gets them laid. This is a well documented fact.

And what is the deal with "craft beer?" Everybody on here drinks "craft beer." What is craft beer? Is it a craft or is it beer? Does it have yarn and glitter and goggly eyes glued to it? Do you need a hot glue gun to drink it? What is the deal, people?

Sometimes I think I love my family. Sometimes I think I'm suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

I was picked on a lot when I was a kid in school. Which is sad because my mother home-schooled me.

What's the big deal with same sex marriage? My ex and I always had the same sex.

Clearly, I spend a lot of time thinking of second rate Henny Youngman jokes.

If you even KNOW who Henny Youngman is message me - PLEASE.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
...at home folding my vast array of Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm not a "Country Boy." I'm the antithesis of "Country Boy." I wheeze when I breathe fresh air. Spend more than two minutes with me and y'all be like, "This guy has never driven a pick-up." I've never been muddin' or fishin' or hillbilly hand fishin' or moonshinin' or swimmin' down at the ole swimmin' hole. I prefer urban settings, public transportation (though I own a car), 24-hour diners (not that I frequent them, I just like knowing they're available) and living in the flight paths of airports.

Also, I'm in a lengthy relationship with a woman, we live together, we have kids and sometimes I like to meet other people. And she's okay with it. You can ask her if you don't believe me. Sometimes she likes to meet other men. So I'm not really looking for much more than dates or friends. I have kids and life gets busy sometimes, but I'm always looking for friends and if it leads to heavy petting, great. If not, no big deal.

For men, I'm looking for friends. I don't care about your orientation. I'm straight but not narrow (heteroflexible is the correct term, I believe). I like talking about sports, drinking cheap beer, bullshitting about post punk music and making dick jokes.

For ladies, I'm looking for dates or particularly good banter and whatnot. As you may have read above, I have a girlfriend, we live together and she knows I'm here. If this doesn't offend you, carry on. If you're looking for marriage or someone to have children with, look elsewhere. But if you enjoy the arts, high fashion, fine wine, French cinema and intellectual discussions that could lead to potential make out sessions, please drop me a line. Or if you just like dick jokes.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
you have nothing to say.

***WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies, projects, advertising, sales, or any other reason you HAVE MY FULL PERMISSION to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future because I know YOU'RE JUST BEGGING FOR IT and WANT IT SO VERY BADLY***