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AlleyAlmonds

25 F Sacramento, CA

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 3:24pm
Orientation
Bisexual
Ethnicity
Black, White
Height
5′ 8″ (1.73m)
Body Type
Full figured
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Religion
Atheism
Sign
Virgo, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Job
Administration
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Likes dogs and dislikes cats
Speaks
English

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My self-summary
***USER GUIDE: For maximum enjoyment, please view the following profile from a computer. A mobile device will not do its majesty justice. Thank you. ***

"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them." - John Waters

Leslie Hall is everything you need to know about me.

I have a really goddamn dirty mouth.

I like people who aren't awkward but have awkward senses of humor, pronoun-antecedent agreement, old stuff, weird stuff, Tower theater, Robert Webb, WBEZ Chicago, jazz cigarettes, The Moth, the great out-of-doors, the very occasional artsy PC game and all sorts o' neat things!

I am, among many things, a woman who wears size 16 clothing so if that's not your favorite thing ever, now you know. If it IS your favorite thing ever, then congratulations and you're welcome!
(I am not a body size/ fat apologist. Like it or go away.)

I am less of a hippie than I'd like to be and more of a nerd than I care to admit.

Knowing things is sexy, understanding them is better.

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don’ t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."

Yeah. I quoted Conan O'Brien.
What I’m doing with my life
Feminist rabble rousing, fostering a love of reading in the youths, lifting heavy stuff in a variety of ways, absorbing maximum Vitamin D, harassing loved ones to go hiking/to the beach/to the mountains/to the high desert/to the forest/to the city/on a road trip/to a museum/to a show/stargazing/camping/to dim sum with me, making paper, figuring my shit out.
I’m really good at
Cooking, eating, laughing, organizing stuff, opening stuck jars, providing synonyms, turning that frown upside-down, passionate tirades. (It's all true!)
The first things people usually notice about me
My hair (the uber curls), my smile and my skin (I'm covered in it!).
I also inherited the family cackle. I laugh like I mean it.

I am usually the sore thumb. That is, I tend to do things and go places where I am the only person who is unaccompanied/young/brown/not-having-a-penis. I am okay with this, it is nothing new. It's kind of fun, really.

My Best Friend Forever once told me "[I] look young for somebody with the soul of Andy Rooney." I was genuinely flattered.

This lady is a Bullshit Free Zone.
(This frightens some and is subsequently a handy way to weed out the weak.)

I have been told by multiple sources of varying and often dubious reliability throughout my life that I am "fun." I agree.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Authors :
Alison Bechdel, Junot Diaz, David Sedaris (I met him! What?? YEAH.), Richard Wright, Amy Tan, Martin Amis, Cormac McCarthy, Adam Mansbach, AJ Jacobs, Roald Dahl, Josh Ferris, Jeffrey Eugenides, Jonathan Franzen, Tom Perrotta, Mark Twain, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
I have a huge softspot for Daniel Handler (Lemony Snicket), only slightly lesser than my soft spot for Roald Dahl.

Movies:
I love talkies!
From the classics:
The Thin Man, All About Eve, Philadelphia Story, Born Yesterday, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, especially movies with Katharine Hepburn, Liz Taylor, Bette Davis, etc., to the contemporary weirdo shit (also I'm real eloquent-like, honest):
Todd Solondz, the Coen brothers, Catherine Breillat, Danny Boyle are usually safe bets. Christopher Guest is an institution.
British comedies (Confetti, In the Loop, Death at a Funeral), RKO B movies (anything with Boris Karloff has to be good), MST3K, Quentin Tarantino, and the occasional mumblecore or Studio Ghibli joint.

When Harry Met Sally is my favorite movie of all time. Nora Ephron was a genius writer.

Television:
(Or: Things I Steal From The Internet When I Have Time To Kill) Most of FX, HBO and AMC's programming, Girls, Peep Show, Louie, 30 Rock*, Masterpiece Theater Mystery (withhold your judgment. Withhold!), Bob's Burgers (Linda Belcher is my inspiration for life) Curb Your Enthusiasm makes me want to marry Larry David.
If Larry David and Elaine Bennis had a black baby, I would be that black baby.

Music:
So there is way too much great music to list here, so I'll name the artists whose albums I've most recently listened to in their entirety:

Alt-J
Third Eye Blind
Amy Winehouse
Dean Martin
ABBA
Ella Fitzgerald
Frank Ocean
Mumford and Sons
Santigold
Cat Power

I'm obsessed with Florence and the Machine.

I'm a big art junkie, any medium.

Comedy is, by far, the noblest art form, I will say. Seeing Louis C.K. live was possibly the greatest decision I have ever made.

Other Comics I Really Dig (if you don't have a mental list of favorite ha-ha people, we're no use to each other):

Sarah Silverman
Paula Poundstone
Tyler Kinney
Eddie Izzard
Maria Bamford
Bo Burnam
Tig Notaro (I'M SEEING HER IN MAY!)
Kumail Nanjiani
Dave Chappelle
Janeane Garofalo

and so, so many others.

Food:
Chinese eggplant even though I can never get it to turn out the way I like at home, avocados, all the kinds of seafood that we're not supposed to eat because our consumption of them is murdering Poseidon or whatever, anything I can make, Bombay Sapphire, good beer, soup (yes, all of them, from any country, any time), all things cruciferous.

At a restaurant I try to never order the same thing twice, no matter how much I liked it.
The six things I could never do without
A walkable neighborhood
People I can make laugh
A toothbrush
Dogs
NPR
Race hate (Just kidding! It's books!)

Bonus: shower beers
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Fifth wave feminism.

Georgia O'Keeffe's lesser known urban paintings. Her Radiator Building haunts me in the best way.

How, in 25 years, I am the ONLY person I have ever met who enjoys those little coconut neapolitan candies.

Why the Roman Catholic church is beyond the reach of the law, particularly here, in a country that's not even Catholic and generally frowns upon the unchecked raping of small children. (Well usually -- 'cause sometimes you just gotta stick your finger up a kid's ass, amiright??)

This

* And this
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing something completely underwhelming to the casual observer.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I am hell of monogamous. If you're not, that's cool -- no judgments, but run along now, you little scamp!

I very recently sold my car with the intention of buy a shiny new one and then thought...meh. So I don't have a car now (I live and work in midtown, so it's not a big thing).
So far I'm really into it. I'd rather pay for plane tickets than for a car I don't especially need.
I’m looking for
  • Guys and girls who like bi girls
  • Ages 25–35
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating
You should message me if
Non-negotiable:

You can and do write in complete, moderately well-crafted sentences, none of which involve crude passes or laughable offers of sex.

You are ready, willing and able.

You like who you are.

Getting to really know a person and maybe getting laid > getting laid and maybe getting to really know a person.

You have thick skin (not literally -- I'm not into pachyderms right now).

You actually read this!

Bonus:

You have a solid Walken.

You can and will take me to a planetarium and/or observatory. I want to go SO BAD.

EXTRA BONUS!
You know what 'alley almonds' are!