I was whelped by a slave woman, the legends say. On a mountain crag
by night; cries of the snow leopards echoing below. Left to die in
the savage snows. A bitch wolf found me and gave suck. I was with
the pack ten years before men came.
They took me for a curiosity. I was hauled to their cities in
chains, a thing to leer at. One night I bit out my jailer’s throat
and ran free under the moon. By then I knew speech. I made my way
to the New World on a steamship.
By the time hair sprouted on my chest I’d tamed lands, beasts, and
women. Dark eyed servant girls laughed and filled my cup with wine;
my cellars were stacked high with gold. Still. I was troubled by
dreams. Talons of snow in the dark. The shrieking wind.
Now I live in Carmichael
What I’m doing with my life
Gold. Jewels. Horses. Yachts. Actually I call them “boats” now.
It’s gauche to call a yacht a “yacht.” They teach you that in
schools for extraordinary people. Oh, you haven’t been?
Hang gliding. Paragliding. Flying private planes drunk like JFK
junior. Chess. Jaguar wrangling. The finest Colombian cocaine.
Skeet shooting, both the shooting clay shit with a goose gun kind
and the porno kind. I also teach adult literacy classes at the
Seriously: I have a job, I do OK. It’s not my life. I do it so I
can get a check that lets me make art, hear music and travel. I
want a soul mate but before that I want whatever you call the
drunken boning version of a soul mate. Let’s get sauced some night
and talk shit and see if we like each other.
I’m really good at
Wouldn't you like to know
The first things people usually notice about me
My height, my smile and my laugh.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Cat’s Cradle, The Last Temptation of Christ, The Holy Mountain,
AC/DC before Bon Scott bit it, Curtis Mayfield, Dolly Parton, NWA,
early Bukowski, Nabokov but not to where I’m gonna want to talk
about the footnotes to Pale Fire with you, Dale Carnegie’s How to
Not Get a Boner on the Bus and Weird Everyone the Fuck Out, The
Bible, The Qu’ran spelled with a Q and prominently displayed so you
know how multicultural I am, Solaris (the real one), Rumi, Leonard
“The Superpimp” Cohen, The Big Bang Theory if every episode were
just 22 minutes of the cast being slowly skinned alive, ASOIAF
which I don’t need to spell out for you cuz you’re a dork, Claude
Debussy, Johann Sebastian Bach, Spongebob if baked.
The six things I could never do without
Wine. Tits. Five tits so the math works.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Shit son, I'd be hard pressed to find something I haven't thought
On a typical Friday night I am
Fully nude, evading police. Helping underprivileged kids.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
You already know my PIN is 6969.
You should message me if
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.