UPDATED 8/3/2009

It's been ten months since AthenianAbroad has updated his profile, and some of us were beginning to wonder whether we'd have to tie him to a chair under a bare lightbulb to get the latest scoop. And after a moment's consideration, we decided to give it a try! Here follows an (edited) transcript of his entirely voluntary and technically un-coerced statement:

Q: We're so glad to have this opportunity to catch up. What brings you in today?

A: Are you joking? Your henchmen abudcted me at gunpoint.

Q: Let's not dwell on the past. Now is a time for moving forward.

A: OK, but could you take this hood off me? It's stuffy, and it's starting to freak me out.

Q: All in due time, "Mr. Abroad" ... if that really is your name.

A: Of course it's not my name; it's one of those Internet aliases that we use to sound clever or deep.

Q: Where does it come from?

A: It's kind of a long story that has to do with reading The Peloponnesian War in college. I started using it for blogging a few years ago. I didn't give it much thought back then, I just thought it made me sound cool.

Q: Uh-huh. You thought a Thucydides allusion would make you sound cool.

A: OK, "cool" might be the wrong word.

Q: Just possibly. But getting back to the question, what brings you to OKCupid?

A: You mean besides the shackles?

Q: Yes. Get over the shackles.

A: Well, I'd say that I'm trying to create opportunities for life to surprise me. I don't have some specific outcome or goal picked out in advance, but I do have a suspicion that the world has more interesting things -- and more interesting people -- in it than I can imagine in a vacuum. And to find out, I need to be in the world, in some way that takes me outside of my established social circle. OKCupid is one way I'm trying to accomplish that.

Q: That's a pretty roundabout way of saying that you want to meet girls.

A: Hey! I'm trying to be a little bit philosophical here. And seriously, it's not just about dating. I'm trying to expand my social circle in many different directions. Besides, I'm usually more comfortable dating people I've known for a while anyway, so it all fits together nicely.

Q: And you're interested in meeting both men and women?

A: Sure, though as far as dating is concerned, I should probably say that I'm generally more likely to be interesteed in women than in men. I do identify as bisexual, and I currently have a boyfriend, but most of my romantic history has been with women, and that's where my main interest is right now. But of course if the right guy turned up, I certainly wouldn't rule anything out.

Q: Hang on a minute. You say that you already have a boyfriend?

A: Yes. This is the part where we talk about polyamory, isn't it?

Q: I would imagine so, yes. Go ahead and give it a shot.

A: Alrighty. I'm polyamorous, which means that I believe that it's permissible and desirable to have multiple romantic or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Q: So you want to live in a survivalist compound in rural Idaho with a passel of sister-wives?

A: Um...not really, no. I'm quite happy living in my apartment in the heart of Portland with a passel of books. No compound or sister-wives required, thanks.

Q: Do you and your boyfriend live together?

A: No, he lives with his other partner. Well, one of his other partners.

Q: This sounds like it could get pretty complicated.

A: Sometimes. Not too long ago, I had to learn to say, "my girlfriend's girlfriend's girlfriend's husband" without getting tongue tied.

Q: You're making that up.

A: Strangely, no.

Q: So why do you avoid committed relationships?

A: I don't accept the premise. Committed is not the same thing as exclusive. I'm very much in favor of durable, serious, deep and fulfilling relationships -- as many of them as possible!

Q: Weird!

A: Actually, I gather it's supposed to be the next big thing. It's in Newsweek and everything.

Q: Well this is all very interesting, but let's talk about you for a while.

A: Happily!

Q: So, in general terms, what are you like?

A: Well, you'd probably describe me as "bookish," though I'm angling for an upgrade to "scholarly." I'm a lifelong learning enthusiast, with a particular interests in culutral and intellectual history, politics and public policy, and cognitive neuroscience. Plus a smidgeon of evolutionary biology and the history of mathematics. Typically, I tend to read a lot of non-fiction, essays, and "literary" fiction. I'm also a big fan of the Friends of the Multnomah County Library used book sales: they're amazing, and they support a good cause. I'm trying to get out more, to more readings, lectures, plays, and so on. And yes, I'm definitely looking for other people who might enjoy those things.

Q: And you're a city-dweller?

A: Absolutely -- a natural urbanite. I'm far happier living in an apartment in town than I ever could be in a stand-alone single-familiy home in the suburbs. And I love my neighborhood -- it's an easy walk to Powell's, for one thing.

Q: How would you describe your politics?

A: In shorthand, you could call me a "Paul Krugman liberal." The slightly longer version is that I'd call myself a neo-Progressive. I use "Progressive" as a more-or-less historically accurate label for the segment of the American left that is meliorist (rather than radical) and drawn from the educated urban middle class and professional strata (rather than working class or rural). Progressives, in that sense, have been a distinctive part of American politics since the beginning of the twentieth century. A particular distinguishing characteristic of Progressives has always been an interest in professionalism in public administration, and as a long-time technocrat-for-hire, I'm naturally inclined to that perspective.

Q: Um...OK. And your religious affiliation?

A: I'd have to say atheism. If I was going to be techincal...

Q: (interrupting) Must you?

A: Ahem. If I was going to be technical, I'd say, "agnostic with negative presumption," but it's not a terribly important distinction. I look to science for an understanding of how the world works, and to history and literature for meaning. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of very good friends with active and complex spiritual lives. But that's not something that's ever been a big part of my life.

Q: I have to say, you sound unbearably serious. Is that true?

A: I'm tied to a chair, remember? It's hard to be kittenishly playful!

Q: Oh yes, I forgot about that.

A: But seriously...

Q: You see my point.

A: ...but seriously...I'm reasonably entertaining in person. Honest.

EDITOR'S NOTE: OKCupid denies employing henchmen of any kind. Lackeys maybe, but never henchmen.

Cue somber, portentous music; distant thunder rumbles in the background.

NARRATOR: By day, he appears but an itinerant bureaucrat for hire, wandering the municipalities of the American west, bringing order and enlightenment through the healing power of software, wielding bullet points and pie charts to succor the righteous and confound the schemes of the wicked. Yet beneath this humble exterior beats the heart of an insatiable autodidact, who nightly labors greedily to consume all the world's knowledge, that he may one day snare the unwary and tell them all about it. Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair!

Music swells! Camera pans over haphazard piles of musty tomes cluttering what appears to be a medieval scriptorium.

NARRATOR: And now, a new chapter is about to begin...the literature more arcane, the theories more recondite, the evidence more ambiguous than ever before.

Camera sweeps over a lonely, moonlit moor, towards a great shadowy edifice. Is is a forbidding, abandoned castle? Hogwarts? No...

NARRATOR: Graduate school. The final battle.

Crash of cymbals

NARRATOR: Coming this fall.

Fade to black

Appearing perfectly ordinary. Really.

Plus comic timing.

"My god, he really talks like that!"

BOOKS

I read pretty eclectically, but tend toward non-fiction (especially history, politics, and personal essays) and "literary" fiction. Some authors I like: David Sederis (great for reading aloud), Sarah Vowell (The Wordy Shipmates is an amazing piece of writing: 17th century history for Generation X; I wish I could do that!), Joan Didion (especially her essay collections: Slouching Toward Bethlehem, The White Album, After Henry), Kurt Vonnegut (favorites include Slaugherhouse Five, Cat's Cradle, and Breakfast of Champions). I like Kelly Link's short stories. I want to read more of David Foster Wallace and James Baldwin. I want to read more of Edmund Wilson and Lionel Trilling and possibly Paul Goodman.

I think that The Autobiography of John Stuart Mill is one of the most fascinating books I've ever read. Does that make me a freak?

Recently read: John Boswell's Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality. Currently reading: Atul Gawande's Better.

Special mention goes to: The Ethical Slut (Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy) and What Becomes You (Aaron Raz Link and Hilda Raz).

I don't currently seem to read a lot of popular or genre fiction, but I grew up with science fiction, fantasy, and the mini-golden age of comics of the mid-1980s, so I'm reasonably fluent (if rather out of date!) and culture-compatible with fans of those genres.

MOVIES & TELEVISION

I haven't had broadcast or cable television for over a year now, and I don't seem to miss it. Most of the television I've watched in recent years has been science fiction or fantasy (Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Sarah Connor Chronicles) or featured unusually snappy writing (West Wing, Gilmore Girls).

Some favorite movies:
Wonder Boys, Until the End of the World, American Beauty, Pleasantville, Blade Runner, Alien, L.A. Confidential, The Incredibles, Closer, Playing By Heart, Solaris (Soderbergh's 2002 version)

MUSIC

Aside from a peculiar fascination with film and television soundtracks (Jerry Goldsmith, Bernard Herrmann, Thomas Newman, Philip Glass -- yes, that Philip Glass), I don't really know what contemporary music I like. I'm pretty sure I don't care for country-western or rap, but otherwise I'm open to experience. (I seem to have a sneaking fondness for goth and industrial music, but don't tell anyone!)

A handful of favorites: Leonard Cohen, Tom Lerher, and They Might Be Giants.

FOOD

As a general rule, I'm for it. I'm fond of Thai, Indian, Chinese (in its various incarnations and versions), and plain old 'merican food. Also Greek (where's the good Greek food in Portland?), and the occasional pizza.

...in an airport. Some other day would probably be better.

Not really private, but a shame and disgrace: I do not own a car. I do not want to own a car. I hate and fear the internal combustion engine and all its works.

...you wonder what kind of lunatic writes a profile like this.

...you are the Finance Minister of Nigeria and have an important and confidential business opportunity you wish to discuss with me.

...you are from the government, and you are here to help me.

...you have a secret. Or a secret identity. Or just an identity.