AffLuent iLL Sen. seeks down on their luck blue collar cauc, friends +
GOod Mooooooooooooorning Pennsylvania! C'nI get an A-MEN! "a-men!" C'nI get an A-MEN! "a-men!"
BIO (who i really am): I won my state senator job by challenging every one of my opponents right to be on the ballot, then ran against an empty chair. Then I ran against Jack Ryan for U.S. senate but Ryan never made it to November because I raised enough hell about untrue allegations regarding his personal life which were dismissed by a judge *after* I "won" the senate seat against replacement opponent hack, stand-in Alan Keys. Now I'm running for PRESIDENT before my first term in the senate is even completed! What did those Illinois voters get for voting me into the senate? Nothing! Whatever I promised them leading up to the election is pretty much out the window because I was just using that election as a platform for my presidential campaign.
Now I know what you're thinking: "at what point is this guy going to win a high enough office that he can put his personal ambitions aside and start concentrating on the *Good Of The People*? Well I promise you just vote me into office and I'll maybe probably do something for you and your neighbors and family and everyone in the country.................... that is, unless it turns out there's some higher office I can run for after that. But there probably isn't so rest assured I'll try and maybe look into putting a little something into actually STICKING TO MY PROMISES. I mean its true that everyone who's believed in me so far hasn't got a lot to show for it but hey, the odds are that one of these times I'll be looking out for you... right? I mean just ask anybody in Vegas, odds are you'll get lucky eventually. Now you might look at what my chief economic adviser Austan Goolsby said about my political posturing on NAFTA, and say "this guy says one thing to the voters in public and in private he's doing and saying quite the opposite". Or you might look at what my chief foreign policy adviser Samantha Power said (before I fired her) - you might listen to her going off the record saying my stance on Iraq was also just a bunch of hogwash to please the voters and in no way indicates what I would actually do in the white house.... but hEY... this is B.O. talkin .... you know I love you baby. You know you are my number one. Just never you mind what little mosquitoes "buzz buzz" in your ears. You know i'll take care of you. I *love* you babe. I don't care about those other guys; I just tell them what they want to hear. You're the only one I really care about. I know, I know........... The Clintons are workers, they will *get things done*. But will they love you like I can baby? Do their promises sound so sweet? Sure they can lead the modern world and improve the quality of life for the nation; sure they can bring back the middle class... but would they win "American Idol"?
They say I reach out with a hand that doesn't have to mean it, with a smile that doesn't have to be genuine, with promises no one expects me to live up to (and in fact I go back on them before you even hear them). But 8 years in the white house is a long time baby - eventually i'm bound to get around to you. I may not make your dollar worth more; i may not improve your chances of going from poverty to the middle class; I may just be running for president because of my own ego, economy be damned; I may take the least challenging political position every step of the way - but you know you want to hear it.
Sure now you may say I haven't earned it; you might want to say "let's see what you can do as senator, lets see you work for the people and *then* ask them for their vote. I'm saying okay baby finnnne if you want to be like that - but I know some Republican voters who might not be so "hard to get". I mean I can't tell them "buzz off" after all I get more non-Democrats than Democrats voting for me in places like Wisconsin. And look baby see now that I'm here in Philly I'm recruiting thousands of republicans to switch registration in time to vote for me in Pennsylvania. I mean I'm sorry baby but this is just the way it is: if Democratic voters were all I had to go on i'd NEVER catch up to my opponant. Without Republican voters I would not be where I am today. Baby check the web and you will see that is a fact.
EDITORS NOTE: Spread the word - Pennsylvania can end his white house bid! Send him packing April 22 and maybe he can actually earn those Illinois voters trust and do something for *them* for a change!
I am exploitive, exaggerated, and empty promise