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31 Mesa, AZ Woman


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I’m looking for

  • Everyone
  • Ages 32–39
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends

My details

Last online
Jul 19
Middle Eastern, White
Seeing Someone
Relationship Type
5' 6" (1.68m)
Body Type
Not at all
Other and laughing about it
Doesn’t have kids
English (Fluently), Spanish (Somewhat), Sign Language (Somewhat), Latin (Somewhat), French (Somewhat)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
---------------------------------Step Right Up-------------------------------------

I'm directing this toward one person.

Unfortunately (according to this video), he's not reading it:

Oh, well. Let's continue.

This is your brain on me:

"Who are you anyway?"
"I'm glad you asked. I'm your worst nightmare."
"You mean the one with the giant cabbage and the, kind of, whirring knife thing?"
"No, I'm the one where this [wo]man comes out of nowhere and..."

I am the sweetest razor-blade-filled candy bar you'll ever cut your teeth on.

Great Expectations:

0. I expect you to be an impatient insomniac. May my hour seem like two and a half to you.

一. I expect you to know what it feels like to die and to choose life despite the comfort of the alternative. You have been institutionalized, militarized, tarred and feathered, and thoroughly destroyed by a woman. You have survived a near-suicidal experience.

B. I expect you to be dark as a result of your battles. You have a thirst for blood and temper it with passion, bordering on obsession.

III. I expect you to know better. You will be a source of light all the more due to your shadow. You are strong and gentle, quiet and demanding; you hold jars for my tears and know when I need to be shaken not stirred.

Finally, I expect you to challenge my compliance tests with vigor until I drop into the child's pose before your feet.


In conclusion, vote for me. I'll make sure that the pressures of Valentine's Day are a thing of the past and that the homeless people on the corners rotate once an hour.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
If I'm not thinking with my weenuh, I'm acting directly on its behahf. Be patient; eventually I'll remember that there's life on this planet.

In the meantime, bring on the frog scene in the science lab.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
...speed-dating. Remind me of my olfactory sense.

...telling everything about myself way too soon and somehow making you feel that I couldn't possibly be telling the truth.

...believing in faeries.
*claps enthusiastically*

*huffs on her fingernails and rubs them on her shirt*
Yeah, I wear shirts -- and I'm really good at it.


How about "...not so good at"? Since I've become open-hearted, my expectations for my mate to be so have sexdruplicated.

...women: How do you tell when they're hitting on you vs. wanting to be your friend? There's got to be some science behind it. Where's Bill Nye when you need the guy?
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
The light springing forth from my fingertips? *blows out her index finger, twirls it around, and stuffs it into her pocket*

But more likely...

A. In person --> the gap in my teeth and my irking lack of eye contact -- You'll attempt to turn my chin or lift my bangs sixteen and a half times before our date is over. I will politely resist and proceed to bury my head in my knees.

2. On the phone --> my kiddish voice and rousing laughter -- "Has anyone ever told you that you giggle like a five-year-old?" Why, yes, yes, he has, and his little dog, too. Heh heh-heh-heh heh-Heh

Drei. In traffic --> the graffiti on my car and my "dangerous" multitasking -- Next month's sign: "I am an adult in sheep's clothing."

*Ben Stein voice* Let's hear from the peanut gallery:

Bachelor #1: "When I first met her, she was reading The Way of the Superior Man in a dark corner of a seedy party."

Shrink #3: "She is a perplexingly discomforting mixture of a hyperactive child with thumb-sucking tendencies and a sleepy Toltec zen master."

Guy who plays a doctor on TV: "She has an acute infection of the Marilyn-Monroe/Jesus-Christ complex."

Sexy Jebus!? Game over. *makes an explosion noise and pretends that it's from the cool guy next to her* Those cool guys -- always thinkin' I'm awe-inspiring; what can I say?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Peanut butter and pickle S.a.M.wiches (See what I did there?)

The kinds that mention murder, sex, and other odd behaviors in such a sweet way that you're like, "Wait -- what?"

I brought A Serbian Film over to one guy's place. After I left, he jilted me on account o' that I was too innocent for him. "But, but -- say what in the...?" Compared to that movie, anything seems innocent.

--Current read: Tarot cards--

Yeah, I'll take my psychic-osis where I can get it.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Harry -- He's all six things.

He carries all of my recyclables, lets me use his rear-end as a billboard, and pulls himself together to keep me safe. What more could a hippie ask for than a gas-guzzlin', air-pollutin', leather-steering-wheeled SUV? Not much, I'll tell yuh, except for the freedom to answer rhetorical questions in this beautifully capitalistic, non-Utopian society. *sips some lemon-ahhd and resumes her reclining position in her hammock*

That's right: Homie's got a hammock. *sniffs and thumbs nose*

Update: Harry has been replaced by Barney, his younger, gayer cousin. He has a few loose screws (har har) and tends to shake uncontrollably at the slightest bump in the road -- most likely due to daddy issues.

We're stickin' it out, even though it's a loveless relationship. Who knows: Maybe I can turn him straight. *pulls on a latex glove and snaps it for effect*


Things I Could Do Without:

D. Thumb-wrestling my phone's tiny peck-pad. I miss pinning and letterman jackets. Paint me in color. Or at least let me hear whether you're a tenor or a bass.

5. My auralistic tendencies. Makes the horizontal mambo boring with those who can't yap, which in turn decreases my pool of potential lovers (ASLers). Can I get a "Quality over quantity"?

F.6. People sinking my battleship.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
...why the last guy won't come pick up his other sock. I swear I was kidding about the necrophilia thing. Come on!

...navigating the G.I. tract in a microscopic space-pod. *flicks her "O" face to make underwater-ping sounds*
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
What's a nice way of putting "making strangers bleed and beg for mercy"?

That's right.

You know Jim from accounting? Yeah, I've hit that.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I tend to date like this:

Yep, no longer available was so spot-on.

More like this:

I'm the man, of course.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over. need me to exorcise your demons. want to start a band and will allow me to be the *stuffs her hands in her armpits and simultaneously takes a knee* Supuhstah. are truly awake.'ll babysit me while I rewire my headlight switch.

...I just may be the lunatic you're lookin' for.'re giving away a 1927 Indian Scout in mint condition -- preferably in electric blue. What? A girl can dream.


O.K., Cupid, what have you in store for my love life? Sam Kinison singing my indie songs, you say? I can dig it.

Now leave your digital device and save those frogs!

© 2015 S.a.M., A Division of Me, Inc., USA