I have changed my status to "Seeing Someone." While I have not actually yet "seen" her, she is mega hella awesome and it is one of those things where you click so well that it is almost frightening. I'm gonna visit her as soon as I can manage it, after I get back home and my mother recovers from surgery.

Yes, I met her through OK Cupid!! If we get married, I'm totally gonna send those guys flowers.

I guess I shouldn't complain because it is free, and otherwise, I totally love OK Cupid (I really, really do), but the mail sucks because I have a terrible memory and I can't even freaking tell at a glance which mail I've already replied to. Well, I can but it involves going back and forth from my inbox to my sent box. Also, there should be a red alert when your box is full, cause I'm clueless and my box was full for a few days before I was kindly told that it was full via a post on my journal.

I'm not sure whether the point of this post is that OK Cupid should upgrade their mail or that I clearly need a woman to look after me. Talk amongst yourselves.

Life goes on. I did my taxes. I did them at the last freaking moment possible this year. It is always easy, so I really don't know why I dread it so much. I guess because it has numbers on it. Modern life is so complicated. I'm giving to Caesar what is Caesar's without thinking too much about that. Actually Caesar is giving me a little back, but not as much as he forceably puts into Social Security for me... Hopefully that will stay afloat somehow, by the time I'm retired... Oh well, I'll probably be an expatriate by then anyhow.

I'm just reading about this awful thing that happened at Virginia Tech. What would drive someone to do such a thing? Was he so incredibly isolated from the rest of the student body? He was an English major, so communication, surely, was not the problem. Did other students harass him? I kinda doubt that, this being a normal sort of college, not some ivy league place or anything where you can imagine a lot of elitism going on. Did he just feel hopelessly different and unlovable? Did he have parents, or anyone, who loved him? Did he play shooter games and disconnect completely from reality? What else but fear and sorrow toward other human beings, buried under many layers of coldness and resignation, could make someone calmly go about murdering his fellow students like that?

Another thing that troubles me is personal. Should I Carry A Gun? According to Buddhism, a gun is a thing that can cause harm and suffering, so it should be laid down. But it seems to me, that if one person could have taken that guy out by surprise near the beginning, a whole lot of suffering could have been avoided.

I gotta reflect more on that.

My heart goes out to the students and their families.

Last night I had to go to the store because I was out of bath supplies again (I'm gonna need an industrial-size supply of bath salts since I stopped watching porn, haha.), so I ended up hearing part of Loveline on the radio while I was driving, and AGAIN, Dr. Drew told ANOTHER guy to "finish up" the sex in under ten minutes, because you don't want to HURT the girl. Dr. Drew really believes that over 10 minutes of sex will hurt the woman. Oh God, I can't take it anymore. Somebody stop me from friending him on Myspace and posting the following comment on his page during the show:

Dear Dr. Drew, Please stop telling guys that girls only like 10 minutes of sex! That is totally ridiculous. Women are capable of enjoying sex for hours and having multiple orgasms! If she wants you off of her in 10 minutes, you are doing something very, seriously, wrong! To put it succinctly-- Stop beating her with the sausage when she's dry! Thank you very much, Basil

Oh and P.S.-- Ten minutes of sex is selling yourself short too! Guys are capable of having sex for hours and having multiple orgasms, but most of them are too lazy, selfish and impatient to try! Stop enabling them, Thank you very much.

Sorry in advance for this. Or yeah, if you don't want to know what's going on in my pants, just skip this one because I can't stop myself from writing it (lmao).
  
Since in Buddhism, every day is like Sunday, I decided that I can masturbate whenever the hell I feel like it. Unless there is company over or something (lol). Limiting myself at first certainly helped distinguish some things and was very useful, but I'm certain now that I am beyond the old behavior. Currently, my only stipulations are that I do not look at porn and that I do not think pornographically either. That really hasn't been a problem at all since, as Buddha said, when you pluck out the root of the pain, the behavior magically changes and suffering ceases.

Honestly, I don't think I will even be into spanking/light bondage anymore. I know now that those things were caused by:

1. Fear of women (that one was pretty difficult to figure out, but once I named it, it has made a huge difference)
2. Piled up frustrations from not dealing with things that angered me in an appropriate manner

OK, maybe really light spanking. But I don't think I will enjoy causing pain at all anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. I still think about sex quite often but it is more along the lines of wondering what it would be like to make love to a particular girl or wondering what it will be like to make love to my future wife, if I ever find her.

Now you would think that my new policy on unlimited masturbation (Doesn't that have a ring to it? I think we have the title to our post! Dingdingding!) would mean I'd be masturbating a whole lot more than in the old days. But I have only had 2 orgasms this week (as opposed to the 7 or more, well, probably an average of 10 a week, in the past). But I have touched Mr. Happy (that's now his official name btw, he is much happier than he used to be lol) every day from between 5 minutes and an hour. Here's the big difference: I can stop without having an orgasm and it's no big deal. I could stop and take the garbage out and not be pissed off. It used to piss me off if the whole world didn't stop so I could have an orgasm. Seriously.

Oh yeah. I thought of a way to describe how I used to masturbate/have sex. I told you about the long winding enjoyable path that is Tantra. What I used to do was like running screaming down the path, finding an iron gate at the end and jumping up and kicking it over and over and over until it breaks and then realizing that it wasn't even locked the whole time. Hahaha.

In all seriousness, I used to get so worked up that oftentimes I had a terrible pounding headache afterwards. Which doesn't seem like it would be very much fun, does it? And yet it was still never enough.

One of the main problems I've had since puberty has always been the inability to relax. I now think this is because I was literally suffering from addiction. I'm sure I had that glazed look in my eyes a lot of the time that you see in heroin addicts, and the followers of some of the more maniacal sects of Christianity.

I will leave you with what will be probably the most traumatic image for my friends who are brave enough to read this post: I have found that the best way to fall asleep is to masturbate yourself gently into peaceful dreams. Oh man, I really wanna fall asleep like that with a woman I love.

Anyway, it's a new week and it's a beautiful day outside, enjoy! Love, Basil XD

for making some long slow sweet ecstatic healing LOVE. Anybody want to join me?





(Yes, I'm still celibate... but it's the thought that counts! LMAO)

Everywhere I went yesterday evening, there were flowers in bloom and the smell of flowers everywhere. The wind seemed to be following me and showing favour to me. I have often said that Nature loves me, but it has become clear to me that Nature loves me neither more nor less than any other creature, which she kisses even as she destroys. Well maybe just a little more XD At any rate, the wind made my hair whip around like a supermodel's (lmao).

Tantra is like enjoying a long winding road and appreciating everything about the journey and the day without worrying where you are going or if you will ever get there and maybe even taking a nap in the sun before you continue. Yeah, it kinda parallels the philosopy of life in general, in the Buddhist way of thinking. Why go rushing headfirst into death when there is so much beauty and feeling and interest all around you right now, that you've been missing? Feeling with your entire being it is. Living for the next orgasm it is not. I would venture to say that I was not the only guy living every day for the next orgasm. Sexual addiction is probably worse than crack.

I've been reflecting about friendship and what it means and what I'd like from my friends. I don't need a friend to talk with about music or relationships or even philosophy, although sometimes those things are nice. I need friends to enjoy the simple act of eating with, bare minimum. I need friends to enjoy a walk in the park with or a drive to somewhere or nowhere or to go hiking with or to attend a cultural event with. On a deeper level, I need some friends to engage in renegade acts of kindness with, to be committed to unpopular acts of healing rather than the popular acts of self-destruction, or to engage in the act of creating something together (like maybe a quilt or a song). Of course no one friend can be everything to everyone, but I would like to rely upon all of my friends to be unafraid to say something if they see me straying off the path, while also allowing me my self-expression� and to have them count on those same things from me.

This morning I found one of my old Japanese imported DVDs (a gift from someone) and I destroyed it. It did not snap in half like I was expecting. It bent, and would not break, no matter how I tried. I twisted it into a satisfying lump of useless plastic that has no power over me.

I am calling off the search for the right woman. I have many reasons for this, some of them spiritual, some of them emotional, some of them practical. I can create the intimacy I need with my friends and my loved ones (not to mention all of nature and humanity). Until I meet her, if I ever meet her. It may be that there is no "her" for me. It may be that we can't be together in this lifetime. It may be that I will meet her sometime along the Path. Maybe. I will choose a wife so very very carefully, ever so carefully, if I ever do. The right woman can be your reward in life ahead of time, or the wrong one, a distraction or worse. I will continue making an effort to engage with life, to make new friends and to value the ones that I've already got.

I was looking for Tantra books at the library, but I ended up reading What Would Buddha Do? in its entirety. I love that book so much. It is exactly what I needed at the time I needed it. The Universe is really wonderful that way, especially if you are paying attention.

"Just be normal, without trying to act any special way. Move your bowels, piss, put on your clothes, eat your food, and lie down when you're tired."
-Zen Master Linji

I was thinking of re-taking that damn OK Cupid test with my new outlook on things. But I don't think I will. I'll just try to wear my "Last Man on Earth" badge proudly.

I have been much more calm and my thoughts are much less pornographic lately. I would go so far as to say that I did not have a single pornographic thought today. I would rather not admit how many of my thoughts in the past were pornographic. Thoughts are very powerful. It was not a happy place in my head before, maybe for many years. I am beginning to grasp how awful what I was thinking before was, what I was doing before. I understand what pornography means now. It means physical parts, meaningless physical parts, not the whole girl, not her heart and her spirit and her mind. You know, I have always said that I love women, but I have also been secretly afraid of them. Afraid of being really seen by them, understood by them, loved by them... left. In the past this has made me act in what has been described as a "random brutal" manner. I do love women and I want to be unafraid. Women are not objects nor are they the sum of their physical parts nor shallow reflections of your worth as a man. I want to honor women as Mother Nature should be honored. I will not let fear keep me from forging a deep meaningful connection with one special girl. I think I have been sleepwalking all this time and my passion has been buried so deeply inside of me that I feel I am only recently beginning to scratch the surface of it.