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31 Blairsville, GA Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 25–33
  • Located anywhere
  • Who are single
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Today – 3:44pm
6′ 1″ (1.85m)
Body Type
Strictly anything
When drinking
Atheism, and laughing about it
Gemini, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Likes dogs
English (Fluently), French (Poorly), Korean (Okay), Ancient Greek (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I am a rotten liar. The bad apple that spoils the bunch. The asshole that points out that apples don’t come in bunches, but admits that he could see how an apple might fuck up a group of bananas or grapes just trying to chill and be themselves… but they, let’s be honest, might have needed a little fucking up, because when they talk about their unique horticultural heritage what they are really doing is using code-words for race. Don’t be a racist fruit.

Also: be clear that when you criticize a racist fruit, that you are talking very specifically about the fleshy seed-bearing structures of plants. Otherwise you come off sounding a little bigoted.

…I am a rotten liar. Which is to say: I’m lousy at lying. Incidentally, I suspect that this is probably why I am single. That and because I regularly behave like this profile reads in real life.


I have received a lot of messages from people who thought that my profile was entertaining. And I appreciate the feedback and attention. Admittedly, I have not had time to respond to all of them because I am the kind of hardworking, blue collar, real American, Randian Objectivist that your Dad always kind of hoped would offer livestock and land in exchange for your hand in marriage. So, I thought I would respond here. This is really a two birds with one stone maneuver: my profile was several years out of date and in dreadful need of updating, and these ladies (and gentleman) deserve recognition for the time they spent reading my profile and sending me messages. To make things more interesting, I have deleted the profile that they are commenting on so that their words (and maybe a few self-referential quotations) are the only record of its existence. I suspect that these women (and gentleman) will either appreciate their role in this public art project, or see it for what it is: a warning to transgressors. That is to say, heads on pikes.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
“I just have to say, I find your profile very entertaining :-)”

I find your profile has been deleted. Apparently, I took too long to respond and you gave up. I can only hope that word will find you, somehow, someday… that I have updated my profile, that there is reason to hope, to live.

That we might wish upon the same stars tonight and tuck away our Winter longings in quiet anticipation of the Spring… and the fiery demise of innocence it brings. –Me, just now.

How Emily Dickinson of me. Sometimes I call her Em-Dicks for short. This did not go over when I was an English major. For those of you who don’t know, I once majored in English in a bid to become a writer. Then I found out that any asshole is allowed to write a book without a four year degree. This came as a blow… so I became an archaeologist instead. When the day comes that any asshole is allowed to dig a hole in the ground I’ll find something else to do, something more exclusive, think astronaut... but more exclusive. In many ways, I’m like those people who used to love Modest Mouse but stopped because their music was in a car commercial… except that I have a job that doesn’t pay me by the hour. Lesson for the kids at home: don’t stop listening to a band when they start selling things you can’t afford, accept that you are poor but an impeccable taste-setter. To make a metaphor: your small community garden is a verdant oasis in the otherwise desolate wasteland of corporate sprawl… without you how would developers know that they’d forgotten to bulldoze there? You are an important component in everything you love; you are the part that makes other people want to ruin it.

I am not exempt. Let me provide you with an example. I created this OkCupid profile in 2004 fairly soon after the site launched when I found out that the people behind (you know Sparknotes? those guys) had begun working on a dating site after Barnes & Noble bought out Spark. This profile has, as you may or may not recall from earlier iterations, been around longer than…

“…the illegitimate light of your life has been alive. You know what that means right? It means if you'd contacted me when I first made this profile we could have legitimized the fruit of your womb, we could have put down some roots for your little mop-topped carpetbagger.” –Me, 2008 “A Love-letter to Single Mothers”

…I always knew what would happen once they made it big though. They would do what they did with Sparknotes. So when these guys made 50 million dollars selling OkCupid to, it wasn't unexpected. You’ll notice that on the personality test: “If you have any STD’s, please go here.” now links to eHarmony, and not True fans notice the subtle changes, the places where art has been compromised for the sake of financial gain… but you know what? True fans don’t bitch about it. In some ways, my patronage of the site is what made it possible for my internet heroes to cash out. I feel like Morgan Freeman’s character in Shawshank Redemption after Andy DuFresne escapes… I don’t resent them, I just feel like I’m better for having witnessed their journey.

I noticed something interesting. It is 2012, meaning that I apparently update my profile every four years. I can’t say whether I am synching my updates with Presidential elections or the Summer Olympics. The good news is, like either of those things… we won’t have to do this again for another four years.

“I rarely laugh out loud at OKCupid profiles (other than the truly ridiculous ones), but your passage about Iraq and the Army cracked me up. Well played, sir.”

Thank you. Though, technically only officers are called “sir” and enlisted people say things like “don’t call me sir, I work for a living” which is really, if we get down to brass tacks, a way of saying: “I do not have a college degree, and I do not value them.” Since I have a college degree now, the title is perhaps a bit more palatable. Like the landed gentry of yore, I possess the means to achieve elite success. I fully expect to have my head chopped off by NASCAR fans who think college is for snobs. Savages.

As far as cracking you up goes, I have always felt that the part about cleaning toilets served as an apt metaphor for the abuses of military service. It kind of cracks me up too. I was in the army for six years and during that time I learned two very important, very lasting lessons: “Lead by example” and “Hypocrisy is a valid form of leadership”, which is why I always tell people that I am a natural born leader who sets a good example, even though I am not. That's leadership.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
“I had to message you because I found that I HAD to read your entire profile. I found it to be very witty and very funny. I very rarely read a profile all the way to the very end. I get bored easily. […] I felt the need to tell you that I appreciate the honesty and bluntness you laid out for everyone to see. It takes courage to lay it all on the line when it comes to dating (in my perspective) whether or not you are serious about finding someone on this site. I also found myself laughing out loud quite a lot while reading on, and I find your intelligence to be very intriguing. Sorry for the long message.”

Apology accepted, but unnecessary. I appreciate the art of writing a long message. And I literally wrote the book on not apologizing... well, the essay, and I'm not sorry for misleading you. I told you I was a rotten liar. Still though, you provided me with some excellent fodder to fill out this section of my profile.

According to your message I, by virtue of authoring my previous profile, am good at being: witty, funny, honest, blunt, courageous, intelligent, and intriguing.

And I can say that I’m all those things with conviction, because I’m not just making it up, I’m repeating what I heard. That’s how the internet works.

I guess if I had to say something that I felt that I was good at, and you might have already guessed it: I am good at writing OkCupid profiles that are perfectly designed to not get me laid. I am like a mutant shark, constantly evolving to make myself a more efficient killer… provided that driving away potential paramours can be seen as “killing”. For example, did you know that using the words “make myself a more efficient killer” in an online dating profile is one of the best ways to not get laid? I’m like a high-class call girl; I know all the tricks… like alluding to prostitution as an ice-breaker. Slam dunk.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
“heyyy i used to talk to lol i gotta put a pic up this is my dads page i used to have a okcupid and just browseing and remembered ur handsome face”

Folks notice my handsome face. But that may just be presumably beautiful young ladies come courting dressed in their dad’s profiles. Or that may just be 60 year old men who try to lure me into having sex with them with promises of sweet young daughters. Either way, it counts. My handsome face is the first thing people usually notice about me. I wish I knew what the first thing people I actually want to have sex with actually notice about me so that I can fix it, because apparently it is broken.

I can’t decide whether this message is the weirdest father/daughter relationship ever, or the weirdest sexual ploy ever. Either way, bravo for giving me pause. The internet is an eternal wellspring of surprise.

I should note: it’s definitely not the weirdest message I have received. This one was weirder…

”....your very nice to look at and if your not turned off by me or my children (2 girls) then id enjoy talkin”

Apparently I was supposed to be turned on by her daughters. Her whole thing was Hills Have Eyes weird. So it’s official, I am nice to look at.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
“Seeing a Vonnegut reference pop up out of the blue made my night. Thanks!”

You’re welcome! I enjoy all sorts of literature. Recently I have liked Memed, My Hawk by Yaşar Kemal, and Birds Without Wings by Louis de Bernières... even though I think he ripped Kemal off a little; perhaps there are only so many things you can say about life in the Turkish countryside in the early 20th Century? I also just tore through Game of Thrones and Clash of Kings because TV told me they are good. TV was correct.

I also like all kinds of music and movies. I will eat and drink fairly well anything of notable quality. My friends call me Galactus. They don’t. I am a liar, in case you have forgotten.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
“I am glad your penis does not ride mass transit while intoxicated.”


“And thank you for providing me with that image of a terrified drunken penis slumming it on the subway, I will carry it with me always when I am soliciting for sex on the internet.”

Confession. My penis totally rides the subway drunk these days. Now that I live in the city, I use public transit all the time. One could even say that it is one of six things I could not live without. If one felt so compelled to make a list of such things. I’ll be honest, if I were going to add to that list… I’d have to add my liver and probably some organs and stuff like that. My liver is seriously a champion. People are good too.

If I were to make a similar list of things I could do without it would include: spending all this time writing a new profile that exists almost solely as swansong to my old profile.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
“Your profile is not change a thing. I was laughing out loud, in only the best way possible, and considering that EVERY other profile on here has made SOME reference to any/all Philly sports teams, and their inability to live without them, it is refreshing to not have to read it, again, for the 4000th time.”

Bad news… I’m changing everything. And I am not guiltless in Philadelphia sports fandom, but I don’t live and die by their successes. I spend more time thinking about how to manipulate the results of my fantasy sports teams than I do about real ones. This is how I learned to appreciate sports, I waited until it became a video-game.

I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things I should be doing to be a success on my own terms. I also think about ways I could be living a better life. Full-time work is for suckers. I am currently employed full-time.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
“Your profile is a heady read. I like the sex with strangers part. Put that in your novel. It deserves a wider audience than okcupid.”

This is not technically a “new” message in need of response. My old profile talked about not having sex with strangers. I went on a few dates with the girl who sent me that message. We did not have sex. Mission accomplished.

I like to think that my new profile is all about not having sex with strangers. Not that I wouldn’t, because I would. Well, I guess it depends on how much of a stranger they are. I’m old fashioned about having sex with strangers, because sin causes earthquakes.

My plans on Friday depend on whether I have plans for Saturday. The rest of my week is probably more interesting.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
“I feel like I have to say something after reading through all that. Don't worry, you did not really ever start to sound very "dateable", but in a totally endearing way.”

The most private thing that I’m willing to admit here is that I just spent five hours tinkering with the wording of an online dating profile just so I could impress you with how unimpressed I am with all of you, which means I want to impress you while looking exactly like the type of person who doesn’t want to impress you. This may be the most hipster event of my life.

Also, I corrected the grammar of some of the messages before posting them here. I think I want to be seen as the kind of guy who attracts the kind of ladies (and gentlemen, apparently) who care about things like grammar and spelling. Like most people, when I help others... it is a matter of vanity.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
“Well hello there”

Well, hello there. I think you missed the point.

I kid. If you made it this far and are considering messaging me in spite of everything above this, go for it, you’re probably worth talking to.

I love talking. Obviously.

I guess you should message me if you want to appear as part of my 2016 profile update. Let me know if you want to be credited. Also, let me know what the professional citation standards are for an OkCupid message.

I considered referencing the Fareed Zakariah plagiarism scandal here, but thought it might be too "now" for a profile that I intend to stand the test of time. Also, I should probably just accept that the rest of the world probably isn't as riveted by stories of a person copying someone else's text.

I would now like to tell you a story about someone copying someone else's text.

My last profile was apparently so wildly good that while I was going to school at University Park, a Penn State grad student stole it and posted it as his own work, completely oblivious to the fact that when he viewed other people's profiles they could see him. I sent him this...

"Didn't they teach you about plagiarism in grad school? Didn't someone teach you how to plagiarize in your undergrad program? Step one: take it from somewhere nobody will think to look. Step two: make noticeable changes." -Me, 2011 "Plagiarism is the Sincerest Flattery"

There's a silver lining to this story. Juice_b is now living in beautiful Turkey, where he works as an IT manager and likes music from the time when "women didn't have to dress like whores to sell their music". He's also not afraid to throw out the rule book and go by intuition... though I'd think THAT would be obvious. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it, ladies? I'd steal that, I completely forgot to call beloved pop-icons whores in my profile. The mutant shark must evolve...

I guess the reason I told you this story is so that you know when not to message me. Please do not message me to ask me to not publicly point out when you have taken my ideas to pass them off as your own. That's bad form. There are other scenarios that I can think of that should be off-limits in any civil society, but I leave those to your good discretion. I'm sure you have excellent discretion.

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