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32 Bellingham, WA Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 30–45
  • Near me
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Today – 10:52am
6′ 0″ (1.83m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Aries, but it doesn’t matter
Working on university
Sales / Marketing
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, but wants them
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Here, I'll make this even easier:

Smarts > Hots


TL;DR - I have a full-time job (that I love), a car (that I like as a friend), don't live with my parents / grandparents / cult, have all of my teeth (and hair, even in places that hair should never be!), haven't murdered anyone recently, thinks life is hilarious, doesn't take himself too seriously (not nearly as seriously as a giant, bold TL;DR would seem to indicate, at least), and enjoy long walks through post-apocalyptic, radioactive, zombie-infested wastelands. I'm a nice guy (albeit easily excitable when it comes to meeting new people... I'm not very good at subtlety), I'm kind to strangers, little kids, and people who might need that crumpled dollar bill in my pocket / wallet / fanny pack (no, not really... can you imagine?) more than I do, andddddddd I tip well.

Also, I'm probably smarter than your last boyfriend.

I'm looking for a girl / woman / female / lady who is a smart cookie that likes to "bore me with the details" of whatever topic(s) she knows a bit (or even a lot!) about, tries her best at whatever she puts her mind to, has a healthy streak of cynicism -- given to her by the curve balls that life throws at / to us on occasion, perhaps -- (which tends to also give us a strong sense of humor and self, natch), who likes to laugh and be made to laugh, both together and apart, prone to ridiculous flights of fake mustache wearing, and who puts her whole heart and mind into things... The sort of girl that leaves me wishing I could be next to her, even when I'm at work for 11-12 hours at a stretch, and vice-versa. Above all else, kindness goes a long, long way with me.

You've got quirks and idiosyncrasies, and so do I, so let's smoosh 'em together and make something amazing happen.

P.S. Owning (or at least a love for) a Husky would be super awesome, as would being familiar with / curious about / eager to try out Cards Against Humanity, but now I'm just being picky.

P.P.S. ...Please enjoy Walking Dead and/or Game of Thrones, because I don't want to be "that guy" watching them all on his own every Sunday night!

P.P.P.S. Is there a record for the longest "TL;DR" ever, you think...?


Well, Okcupid, we meet again... Slightly more thoughtful than before and a little better off (and only somewhat weary), I suppose.

Pictures are coming soon here! Sort of.

And... As a wise man once said: "Sorry I'm not better lookin'."


Words to live by:

"The worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody would be to not be used for anything by anybody." -- Kurt Vonnegut

"Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck." -- The World According to Facebook

"You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus." -- Bartleby, Dogma

"You're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea. " -- Jason Mraz, Details In The Fabric

"She got a big booty, so I call her big booty." -- 2 Chainz, Birthday Song

And more recently...

"There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -- Leonard Cohen, Anthem


There's a reason some animals eat their young, you know.


I am left-handed and right-brained. Like bear.

I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...

No, wait, that's not right. I was born on a snowy April Fool's Day in 1982.

I am not simple, but I am not "deep and mysterious". Being complex and pretentious solely for the sake of it is pointless and frustrating for everyone involved.

I've lived quite a life thus far (and maybe you have, too, dear reader), and either you'll want to hear about it, or you won't. No harm, no foul, either way. I would certainly love to hear about yours, for what it's worth.

I don't hold grudges and resentments about the less-than-perfect things, though, and I won't make anyone jump through hoops just to hear a story or two.

I certainly hang on to the good parts (and good people, too), though, for as long as I can... Don't go thinkin' it's all doom and gloom around here!

I am not nearly as somber as this profile probably makes me out to be, heh.

I was raised to act a certain way, and treat people around me with a measure of respect and kindness, even if I don't know them from Adam (or Eve, I suppose, in this case...).

A girl with a clever mind, a warm smile and a kind heart is pretty much my Kryptonite.

I call if I say that I'm going to, I write if I say that I'm going to, and I'll be there (wherever "there" happens to be) if I say that I'm going to be.

And if I write, well, I hope you like to read.

I am a dreamer, a thinker of large and lumbering thoughts, fair and balanced (nothing like Fox News, luckily. My apologies to any hardcore, dyed-in-the-wool Republicans reading this), easy like Sunday morning when you get to know me, and a hopeful romantic, I guess you could say.

I am also a habitual profile stalker... Sigh. Not in a creepy, "I wonder what you'd look like without your skin." sort of way, but of the picking out of small details and "What do I say besides just simply 'Hello'?" variety.

So... Hi, I'm Michael.

I am bacon, bacon, and more bacon!
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Finding words and lines for a certain someone:

"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary."
-- Margaret Atwood, Variations On the Word Sleep

Crafting ridiculous (and hilarious) inside jokes with friends.

Making a list of flowers that I can safely and easily remove the pollen from. There's a method to my madness, I swear. Allergies are nothing to sneeze at, you see... In a manner of speaking.

Discovering new and exciting things at Trader Joe's to masticate furiously with (on?). My latest delicious fascination is 'Perk Up Your Trek Mix': cranberries, pecans, almonds, golden raisins and CHOCOLATE-FRICKIN'-COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS, MAN!

Trying to wreck as little of this planet as possible during my time on it.

Searching for the best Duck Fart on the west coast... It's a lot better than it sounds, I swear.

Finding new and creative ways to pay for my education at the Art Institute. I'mma be a bona fide graffic deeziner... One of these days.

Doing my dead level best to confuse the @#$% out of OKC's "interest" matching engine.

And on that note: How the most interesting and wonderful people that I've been able to connect with are all somewhere in the neighborhood of a 50% match... So much for scientific compatibility, eh?


It's definitely a work in progress, to be sure.

(Pssttt, sort of like this profile, actually)

Sabes que es un "pre-nup"?
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Things that I might, quite possibly be good at:




Sadomasochism (but only on Thursdays).

Deleting my profile in a fit of ennui, accidentally or otherwise.

Noticing the same people on at the same time every day... The people who, like me, can't seem to / don't want to go to sleep so "early" -- It's only 1:30 in the morning, after all.

Coming up with odd snippets and turns of phrase that don't actually go with anything. For example: "She had a certain way about her... The sort of gaze that would make a man stop and consider the next words out of his mouth quite carefully."

Arc welding cherry stems with my tongue. (Thanks, xkcd!)

Meandering off on exciting conversational nature walks that may or may not involve actual walking, and may or may not have anything at all to do with the topic at hand.

Making much-too-large batches of chocolate chip cookies for friends that enjoy them, and consuming mass quantities of strawberry lemonade.

Embarrassing myself in conversations with strangers... Though, I'm not sure how "good" that really is.

Typing up gigantic blocks of text like this one on my phone, and then having them eaten by the interwebs after I hit submit. Boo, hiss.

Saying things like "sad face", "brb" and "lol" out loud, in the course of an otherwise normal conversation. Just for the lulz, really. (See also:

Air hockey, kick ball, etcetera... If you played it and loved it when you were 8, I probably still do.

Remembering absolutely everything forever. That's only a slight exaggeration, honestly.

I even take the occasional photograph, of which a few are seen here:

Things I am most certainly, decidedly NOT good at:

Editing, apparently. A lovely, young Canadian girl told me that my profile read like the unabridged edition of 'Les Mis'... only with more words. So there's that.

Having my picture taken. (Fun fact: I am hilariously unphotogenic, hence why there's so many more photographs of "stuff" and almost none of me!)

Silence may be golden, but it's fairly worthless as an effective form of communication. Speak your mind.

I would much rather be told to "@#$% off" than to be told nothing at all... Being ignored is my Kryptonite. :(

Passive-aggressiveness. Speak your mind.

Feigning indifference. Speak your mind.

Taking hints. Please, for the love of Baby Raptor Jebus, speak your mind.

Esta una fiesta en mi pantalones, y te invitan!
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That is a damn good question, and alas, one I don't have the answer to.

Suggestions (and money) are accepted at the address on the bottom of your screen.

Update: I've been given an answer... sort of! I was told that I have "very kind, smiling eyes that can't seem to decide what color they want to be on any given day".

So, there you have it, folks.

Su premo es en fuego!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I love comic books and stories of old super heroes, if for no other reason than the fact that we don't live in a world where the good guys always win. (I actually knew a girl once whose nickname was "The Comic Book Genius", and with good reason. She probably had something in the neighborhood of about $2,000,000 worth of them, each in its own bag, and had actually read each and every issue she owned. I think that might qualify as some sort of obsession, but still... It was pretty impressive, if you're a nerd at heart.)

P.S. I read a lot more than comic books... But the list is simultaneously both too extensive and too "WTF?"-inducing to list here; so you should probably just ask about the sorts of thingsyou might like to read.

I like television shows that actually get you to give a damn about the individual characters for longer than one episode... and probably have some sort of epic love story being crafted in the background; even though "epic" (to me) tends to be a little less (more?) subtle and smoldering than most. With that being said, two of my favorite (and by "favorite" I mean "the only two I watch with any sort of regularity") shows are 'Bones' and 'Fringe', so there you have it.

Mr. Television and I aren't generally on speaking terms.

My favorite movies are ones that leave me thinking long after I've left the theater, discussing all the little plot twists and holes and the ways that we would have acted out, or shot, or written a certain scene.

I enjoy a wide variety of music because lyrics from any type of music can touch the soul. (For a much more specific example, check out and click "All Around Me" and "Do You Feel The Same Way" on the menu)

For further examples, fire up Grooveshark / Pandora / iTunes / Napster and download (or "permanently borrow", if you prefer) just about anything from Jose Gonzalez, Rodrigo y Gabriela, The Postal Service, The Smiths, Ra Ra Riot, Jason Mraz, Zero 7, Lamb, Michael Buble, Iron & Wine, Band of Horses, Magnetic Fields, Arcade Fire, All the Apparatus, Adele, Animal Collective, Alkaline Trio, James Taylor, Jack Johnson, Kings of Leon... The list goes on.

Some of the stuff I listen to really does sound like it belongs on the soundtrack to How To Be a Hipster 101, it's true, but I assure you that's not the case. (For starters, I don't smoke American Spirits... and I can't stand PBR)
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I've decided to start amending this list, albeit slowly, as I can... and have, on more than one occasion... live without quite a lot.

Instead, this will be a list of things that I would much rather have in my life than not.


#1 - 'Blankets' by Craig Thompson. Amazing graphic novel that everyone should take the time to enjoy, even if they're not "comic book people".

And this is why:

Back in the guest room, I whispered a prayer of gratitude to God -- Thank you, God, for your perfect creation, with skin as soft and pale as moonlight, the bones beneath her skin tangling and rearranging, rising along the iliac crest, and dipping into the clavicles.

Thank you for the rhythm of her movements -- curling, sprawling -- her contours lapping like waves around the blankets. She is yours, she is mine, she is perfect. A temple, with her hair barely grazing her temples. Pressed against her, I can hear eternity -- hollow, lonely spaces and currents that churn ceaselessly.

And the fallen snow welcomes the falling snow with a whispered, "Hush".

#1b - In this same vein (although not for the same reasons), everyone should read 'Bone', as well.

#2 - Photography. Because it is truly one of the most beautiful ways to capture a moment. Even with my impeccable memory, nothing beats being able to look at the colors that reflect from someone's eyes when they look at something off in the distance just so, even years afterward.

#3 - Powell's. Greatest Bookstore Ever.™®©

#4 - The companionship of a good woman. Perhaps even a great woman.

#5 - Examples of actual human kindness in the midst of a world filled with depravity... Not to put too fine of a point on it.

(And now for a few not-so-important ones. See also: placeholders!)

#6 - The ellipsis...

#7 - -- (Sample tweet: "I'm terribly sorry, but I must interrupt to say that I am alive". Need I go on?)

#8 - Puns!

#9 - Miracle Whip. All of you "mayonnaise roolz!" people out there can just back the eff off.

#10 - -- Read it. Love it.

#11 - Pilot G-2 pens.


#12 - Girls with big mouths, both literally and metaphorically.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Lately, it's been things like grout and portable TV, thanks to the wondrous and wonderful ads on OKC.


Is "good" ever going to come around again? Is "good enough" ever the right answer, when it comes to being in a relationship...?


The optimist looks at the glass as half-full.

The pessimist looks at the glass as half-empty.

The cynic looks and thinks... "Who the #@%^ has been drinking out of my glass?"


On average, I spend roughly 27 hours a day thinking about something or someone or any combination thereof.

Now, I know what you're about to say: "But Michael, there's only 24 hours in a day!!11!1!ONETWOJUAN"

For normal people, sure. However, I have portals. I know things.™


Will I be a good husband... Someday?

Will I be a good father... Someday?

Will the Earth crumble around our ears before either of those things happen?

Peak oil.

Gaia Theory.

Is the latest episode of Fringe on Hulu yet?

Just how much lumber am I going to need for that treehouse?

Why are people so ugly to each other sometimes?

Why do so many foods these days have the shelf life of a broom handle?

For... Science!

Where does the good go when you turn off the light?

Where does the light go when you close the fridge door?

Why can I remember coloring Easter eggs when I was two, but I can't remember what I had for breakfast? For that matter, did I even eat breakfast...? (See also: Things I might be good at, Volume I)

What makes her smile like that while she's sleeping?



Also, your mom.

Erra asombrasos... Por favor desatar me ahora?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Typical... Aaaaaaaaaahahahahaha.


But seriously, who wants to be typical?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have two sisters (one younger, one older), but I grew up as an only child. I met my younger sister (for the first time that I can remember, at least) late last year.

I've never been to a strip club. (Feel free to make with the torches and/or pitchforks now)

I am, however, a published author... of erotica, and I'm working on a series of children's books. (Dun dun dunnnnnnn!)

I like to make passes at girls who wear glasses (and argyle sweaters, on occasion). Or, rather, I would... If I actually "made passes" at anyone, that is. Being Shy Around Girls Since I Was 5: It's What's For Dinner.™

I own a rubber ducky named, appropriately (or not) enough, Howard Albert Wellington the Third, and a stuffed pig named Wilbur (he's Canadian).

I know the theme song to 'Veggie Tales!' by heart. Oof.

I am physically incapable of growing proper facial hair. I profoundly apologize to the 99.44% of all eligible Portland women whose sensibilities I just offended.

I not-so-secretly want to be a Canadian.

I blast Ke$ha in the car on occasion when I think no one is watching, and/or I just don't care.

And last, but not least...

I really don't speak an ounce of Spanish, in case that wasn't blatantly obvious by now.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're the ideal blend of Dora from Questionable Content, Liz Lemon from 30 Rock and Zooey Deschanel. (If you don't know who any of these people / characters are, it's okay! That's why Raptor Jesus and the Flying Spaghetti Monster gave us Google, after all.)

Beauty, as with so many things in this life, is wholly and completely subjective... "In the eye of the beholder", as they say.

You don't feel the need to state your height in figures both with and without heels. To me, that's like saying, "If I only had two more women, I would have a threesome!" You're a classy dame (Chick? Broad? I hate you, political correctness. I hate you right in the face) who likes to wear tall shoes. I get it. It's really irrelevant in the end, however, and I ain't gettin' any bigger anytime soon. Uh... I meant taller. Erm... You know what, just forget it.

...If you don't lean heavily on the phrases "work hard and play hard", "think outside the box", or any of the eleventy million variations thereof. Every time I hear them / read them in print, it makes me want to hurl a box of kittens into the Willamette. And no one wants that... Do they?!

...If you've ever been referred to as "too loud", "too assertive" or "too opinionated", you should write me twice, just for good measure.

...If you are prone to making up insults along the lines of "jerkass" or "poopface" or "dorkbro stinkbutt", then you're my kind of woman.

...If you fall between the ages of "barely legal" and "collecting social security".

...If you have an opinion. Hell, bonus points if you have lots of opinions, and believe in proclaiming them quite loudly throughout the day.

...If you have dreams and ambitions beyond simply "finding a boy / man / bearpigthing that can make them all come true".

...If you can peel a banaynay with your vajayjay. (No, not really.)

...You agree that "lol" is not a substitute for a period lol

...You think this joke is hilarious: What do you call a chiropractor for pets? (An animal cracker!)

...You have a plan to save the world (or conquer and enslave it), because then we can compare notes.

...If you recognize that the above statement(s) are meant to be sarcastic, sardonic, teasing and tongue-in-cheek, not misogynistic.

...Also, it would be awesome if my "dream girl" had really big, round, firm... uh... eyes. (I'm not sure if it's actually possible to have firm eyes, but this is my dream girl, damn it)

Mostly, though... Just be you.

That doesn't mean you have to be the "most" or the "best" at anything.

I want to love someone because of their supposed flaws, not in spite of them... What kind of love is that, anyway?

Yeah. I said it.


Seriously though, there's just something about a girl who swims ever-so-slightly upstream, takes her lumps and still manages to make your heart ache at times with barely a word. It wouldn't hurt if she looks better in one of my dress shirts (or giant sweaters) than I do, either.

I guess my "type", if there really is such a thing, is "adorable" (which has almost nothing to do with looks, honestly).

I've dated enough girls in my time to know what I like when I see / experience it, at least... Including one who wore a pig hat (named Truffles, of course) everywhere and played (did? performed?) curling, and a professor of 18th-century Romantic English literature, among others.

The common thread, I suppose, is that they are all good people with good hearts, just nerdy and witty and clever enough to keep me on my toes, they have their own thoughts and opinions (which are occasionally voiced rather loudly) and they all know how to smile, even when the day is going a little rougher than usual.

So... Maybe we'll "get" each other, maybe we'll click instantly... and maybe we won't. Maybe you'll think that we have almost nothing in common at first glance, but you'll never know for sure, unless you push a few buttons (both literal and figurative, in this case) and find out, right?

And really, if you made it all the way down here, you sort of have to.

"Que sera, sera", indeed.


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