Hello, ladies, my name is Steven.
"Hello, Steven!" they shout in return
So, I'm glad you all showed up here to visit my profile today, whichever today this happens to be. Let me start off by talking a little bit about myself, which, let's face it, is part of the reason you're all here, right?
Cheers and laughter
Okay, well... I'm in my late 30's, as you can see by the little sidebar there. I quit drinking about 2 years ago, but just so we're clear, I'm not that giant douchetard who cares if you drink. I have the ability to be able to hang out in bars and rarely be tempted to imbibe, so please, if you feel the need, get your drink on!
From the crowd, sounds of several people departing Okay, I see that using the phrase "get your drink on" just caused many of you to leave, but it wasn't an actual, serious use, I was being *ironic*.
Alright, and now the cliche and tired "post-modern incorrect use of irony" has sent more of you packing. Looks like I'm swinging for the fences, ladies!
Strained, polite laughter
Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. I smoke, but mostly American Spirits, although let's face it, a cigarette is a cigarette, and they're all equally just as bad. I'm trying to quit, kind of, but let's be honest, here; I've kicked one vice, going for two ain't happening anytime soon. More women leave
I'm single, right now, after coming to a rather stunning realization recently: I have spent my entire adult life trying to get into relationships, or being unhappy while in one and trying to get out of it. So right now I'm happy just playing it casual. That doesn't mean I'm just looking for a booty call, although I do love the sexing, and who doesn't, right? Right? Hello, is this thing on? *tap, tap*nor does it mean I'm looking to go out to dinner and read you my vogon poetry, either. Points if you got that joke....
...which I'm guessing those women didn't. So, right, with that in mind, I'm not looking to get all deep-sea diving in a relationship at the moment, or declare my undying love or anything of that nature. I am looking for a good time, in the non-creeper, not just out to get laid kinda way, so if that's cool with you, awesome. I'm also always looking to increase my posse, because I do sometimes see myself as some sort of post-modern non-hick cowboy. Yippie-yai-yo.
complete and utter stunned silence
Also, just to be clear, ladies, I love you. I love you tall, I love you short, I love you thin and not. I love you old and young, white and black, tattooed & pierced or unblemished and clear. I love you book-smart, street-smart, artistic, political, athletic, talkative, quiet. I love you if you love the men, I love you if you love the ladies, I love you if you love the men and the ladies. I love you one on one, I love you in two's, I love you in groups of 3 or more...although that last one is more theoretical than in actual practical experience, Haha.
Wow, is it hot in here, suddenly? So, Uhm, yeah, point being, I'm pretty open-minded, and can see past most differences...except one, really. Just a thought here, ladies: If you're writing your profile information on a computer, as opposed to, say, a typewriter, a piece of paper, or a stone tablet, then said computer should have some kind of a spellcheck device. I'm not even talking your/you're, there/their/they're, lose/loose, or even then/than. I'm talking about stuff like writing furter instead of future.I mean, that's not even a REAL WORD. So yeah, if you're not particularly bright, perhaps you should seek out tattooed Tony the angry bouncer.
a few women leave at this point
And there go the Rhodes Scholars....Moving on, I currently work as a wage-slave for a large corporation that seems very intent on devouring my soul, so after a recent life-changing event I've made the decision to scale back my hours for the better part of a year and pursue a career in 3 directions; I'm going to write full time, I'm going to re-learn the piano, and I'm going to gather my hyper-talented friends and make a web-based TV show. We'll see how well that works out, right? Any of you ladies wanna be on TV? Or, actually, a computer screen, since it's not going to be broadcast anywhere...
So, anyway, yeah, I'll go ahead and wrap this up, now. If any of you would like to know more, just ask me. I'm an open book. Get it, because I'm a writer? Open book?
Hello? Is anyone still....
Steps off the stage and past the lights to see a completely deserted room
Huh. nods slowly...yep, that went well.
I am Danny Ocean, Tom Morello, and Jack Shaftoe