. . . . So now I feel like a huge screw-up. I log onto the game, join up with a group to run WC, figuring it'll be a nice, easy, fun run. . . . then we get ot just outside the instance . . . and I die. So I run back, rezz. . . and promptly can't find the entrance and die again. The next time I try to run back. . . I get lost and end up halfway to Ratchett, feeling horribly confused and horribly insulted. The group (rightfully) kicks me out. The other hunter in the group rants at me/insults me a while and then ends up ignoring me.

They know I'm not fucking like them, they know it. I feel alienated, sometimes, playing and being a girl and acting differently because of it, and then having everyone just assume that I'm really weird because of those differences. I just feel like such an idiot . . . it's not that hard, I know what I'm doing, it's just a game. But . .GAH. It's just not fun when I make a mistake and everyone automatically decides that I'm retarded, that I'm an idiot, that I'm a moron just because the problem arose due to my choosing to play the game a little bit differently than they did!

This wouldn't bother me nearly so much if I wasn't so frustrated with life, if I wasn't so tired and deppressed and just in a bad mood. It's a fucking game, these are complete strangers; why the hell should I care what THEY think of me when they have NO CLUE about me?

Now I just want to go somewhere else, play something else, not face-up to it. But I'm not that stupid. Running away/ignoring the fact that I did something stupid (even in a game . . .) is a shitty way to go through life, even for a moment.

Yes, it's a shitty poem. I should put it SOMEWHERE where I'll be able to find it later, may as well be here.


An entrance into dark recesses of the mind
Grinning bears and empty-eyed dolls
The blush from their porcelin cheeks a memory against small hands
Shelves of books; their scent heavy on a still-born breeze
Intaken sighs
A flash of childish laughter on the air . . .

"This is my safest place,"
Memories dripping insidiously from the surface
"I never want to leave here"
Looking out at a broken, mangled yard . . .
No trace of flowers.
"I love this place."

Adults talking quietly in corners
Watching the same movie over and over again
Mario's music playing
Boredom accepted, expected, ignored
Wishing for a friend who forgot me

"We don't need a kid's table anymore."
Is it all gone?
". . . not enough space for everyone"
Who are those people?
"Let's move some out on the porch"
. . . he's not here.

Shaking off unwanted memories.
"Hey . . . Booky! Oh! There you are!"
. . .but still dreaming of that fading childhood . . .

Why is it that people who, in theory, care so much, can be so very tiresome and annoying? I know they don't try to be, and that the joy of family is that you're stuck with them, with all their good points and bad . . . but sometimes, it's just nice not to have to force smiles at people you're pretty sure have no idea who you are, or to laugh at stories or jokes that make little sense, as you only know one or two of the five people involved.
. . . . well, this Thanksgiving was rather depressing for me. I was altogether anti-social and emerging from my bleak loneliness only to hear stories about how my cousin's wife was a complete bitch did not make my day. It is nice to hear about the good things, though . . . there are two new dog additions to the family (Jackson and Perry, miniature Schnauzers) and Colleen and her husband seemed to be doing well together.

That's another thing I refuse to go into . . .but it is rather depressing to observe: in the last two years, three of the cousins have gotton married, two are very close to being engaged. That just leaves *wince* Joe and Jay between me and the inevitable desires of my family for me to actually appear to be somewhat considering the idea of settling down. LAST thanksgiving mom spent the whole time ranting about how she was worried I wasn't normal because I hadn't ever really dated. Glad THAT'S no longer a topic of conversation.

*sigh*

I'm just not in a good mood today. But is that really any great surprise? At least I came out with a halfway decent poem earlier . . .

. . . Took it. Cursed at it. Wished I'd studied more.

Ultimately ended up at exactly the level I wanted to (precalc). WHEW. For a moment there, I was beginning to suspect I'd forgotton some of the real basic stuff, and I would have died if the thing had made me retake classes I actually paid attention to and understood the first time around.

So, I finally felt brave enough to check out my final accum and psych grade for the year. Went to OSU, heart beating madly, logged on to Carmen . . . and lo! I didn't do quite as good on my final as I had hoped (60/70; ouch!). Unfortunately, my final grade for the course was not posted on Carmen, so I had to meander back to the OSU page and find the grade postings. Then, heart in my throat, I didn't even look at the page for a few seconds after it loaded (aren't I pathetic? >.<). Then . . .finally . . . there were my grades.

I got an A in psych.

And my GPA is up to a 3.333.

I still need at least a 3.5 to keep my scholarship, though. Good thing the scholarship doesn't come into effect until next year; I'll have to keep my grades up, though. No more of these puny B's - I'm gonna need to aim for straight A's. >.< Painful, as most of my high school career I regarded straight A students as having way too much time on their hands, as well as ahealthy overdose on motivation.

Cute, playful, tiny.
Annoying, fast, too much energy.
Eat very little, easy to control.
Pee on the bed, eat my books.
Sleep like the dead.
Don't sleep often.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr . . . .

The ceremony sucked; I was bored completely and utterly out of my mind.

But then I got my graduation gift from my grandfather. Apparently, my parents told him about that laptop I was saving up for. And, well, let's just say that I won't be saving up for it any longer. *huggles Lyre*

The internet even works at all hours tonight - an added bonus to the laptop! Though dad assures me he will cease allowing me unlimited laptop internet access tommorrow, and Nathan assures me that, as I was saving up for a laptop with the intent to use it for college, I won't need the extra 'fun' programs it comes with such as IMing, solitaire, paint, etc.

T.T They're such spoilsports.

Ich habe Nio gestern Abend gesehen. Wir haben Spass gemacht, dann bin ich nach Haus gefahren. Es war dann Spat; so hab ich geschlafen. Oder ich habe zu schlafen versuchen. >.< Es hat nicht so gut gegangen - ich war krank. Ich habe an Fussboden erbrechen. Es war uber alle die Fussboden . . . yick . . .und ich war so krank. O.O
. . . So, keine Ubberaschung, ich habe nicht Heute gearbeitet. Ich habe die meisten Tag geschlafen, und gelesen. Ich habe "A Knight's Tale" noch mal gesehen. Meine Familie und ich habe mit Ines auf Telefon gesprechen. Ich habe nicht noch mal erbrechen . . . aber alles hat mir nicht gefallen. Ich bin jetzt ein bisschen besser als ich war, aber bin ich noch nicht wieder gut.

Ein guter erstern Sommer Tag, ja? XP

Trans: I saw Nio yesterday evening. We had fun, then I drove back home. It was so late, so I slept. Or I tried to sleep. >.< It didn't go so well - I was sick. I threw up on the bathroom floor. It was all over the floor . . . yick . . . and I was so sick. O.O
. . . So, no surprise, I didn't work today. I slept through most of the day, and read. I saw "A Knight's Tale" yet again. My family and I talked with Ines on the telephone. I didn't throw up again . . . but I still didn't feel so great. I'm a bit better now than I was, but I'm still not feeling great.

A good first day of summer, yeah? XP

bancrofthunt: so coming back to my fav topic
(22:25:15) bancrofthunt: when do you want to get married
(22:25:47) Booky: I thought we had already decided the engagement was broken upon meeting one another . . .?
(22:26:20) bancrofthunt: ah , I thought that was a bad dream
(22:26:45) Booky: Hehe. Must have been one heck of a bad dream.
(22:27:48) bancrofthunt: so , you look good , we are still on , and we are on the feild full of yellow flowers
(22:28:10) bancrofthunt: no , but tell me , what are your thoughts on marriage
(22:28:16) bancrofthunt: not relating me
(22:31:15) Booky: *blinks* Well, I think marriage has be planned before; spontaneous marriage is rarely a good thing. There has to be more than simply chemistry for a marriage to work, and both people need to be willing to work to keep the marriage together. I think tolerance is a requirement in marriages, and that, once one is married, one needs to realize they are no longer thinking simply for themselves but also for and of someone else. In that respect, I think it's important to realize one's more important goals before marriage, so that one can focus on selflessness during the marriage rather than selfishness.
(22:31:55) Booky: What do you think?
(22:32:50) bancrofthunt: cant love decide and settle everything ?
(22:34:25) Booky: In theory, yes, but I think that the 'love' that is most often idealized has been romanticized somewhat, and that the reality of love is accepting of differences, is tolerant, but still does have some selfish tendencies, and some difficulties in total accord.
(22:36:26) bancrofthunt: hmm
(22:36:57) bancrofthunt: very well
(22:37:08) bancrofthunt: I am yet to know about love
(22:37:24) bancrofthunt: or be clarer
(22:37:33) bancrofthunt: clearer
(22:38:32) Booky: *sighs* It's difficult for me to be very clear; I don't know much about love either. The only experience I have with love is purely on a theoretical sense.
(22:41:44) bancrofthunt: I feel a blank talking about love
(22:42:36) Booky: It seems that people start into relationships believing totally in love - accepting everything unquesitonly. But, over time, this wears down, they start to get annoyed about some things about one another, they start understanding things about one another they had never guessed at before. They accept the differences between them, but they still see themselves as the dominant one in the relationship. The one who's opinion, ultimately, matters most to them. So there are selfish tendencies - one person will attempt to go one way, the other other another way, trying to convince their partner to go with them. So there is no total accord, although the inherent similarities which, one would assume, exist between the couple do gaurantee accord to a certain degree.
(22:42:40) bancrofthunt: I feel something which is love I think , but still I cant let myself share it with others
(22:44:19) Booky: It's a difficult topic, I think. O.o I'm more the other way - I want to share it, but I just don't feel it. I feel like I'm playing at having an emotion that's not there, sometimes. Then I wonder if it is there and I simply have grown so used to it that I can no longer even sense it. *sighs* At least on a platonic sense. O.o;; It's all very confusing and illogical. >.

. . . . And yes, I am well aware of the irony of said occasion taking place on my last week on senior year, AFTER all my AP classes are over. O.o
. . . And I'll probably really be able to tell how tired I am when I see this in the morning . . . I tend to develop a sudden addiction to large, useless vocabularly words when operating on little sleep. And I tend to drop unimportant words like, on, adverds and pronouns. . . And apparently my inner spell check dies. Worse than usual. Quit laughing, you.

. . . I just hope I managed to avoid that on my project . . . .o.O


. . . ah well, I'm rambling. *yawns widely* . . Bed . . . sleeeeeeeep . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . . . . . . -.-