Dear God, why in the hell did you let me live till 32??

(Feeling kinda old!)

I get it,

how she could not love me after almost 2 years

how she can sleep with so many other people

why she is so concerned with his happiness rather than mine.

She hates love

she wants a fantasy that she does not need to show care for, and only wants the attention.

she does not want commitment because then it means she will have to think of someone other than herself.

She wants him happy so she can keep the illusion of how great he is going. She does not want to face she is getting older and has responsibility.

I gave all a man could give a woman. I have no regrets about my actions or the affection I gave her.

I have but one regret, and its that I could not fix what is broken in her. She does not want to be fixed.

Illusions, daydreams, and pretending she is happy.

Babe, please get better....

You would think that by now I would have learned not to message people on here when I am on a huge caffeine high :P.

If for no other reason than to not have that fake anxiety from it...... damn me......

Does anyone have a human sized hamster wheel I can run on????

This is just a pointless entry about the fact I am down to 176 again!

Now to just keep it below that!!

^^ I had forgot to mention that when I started I was @ 180 lbs and no idea what my body fat percentage was. This would have been a week or so before I started tracking it all. 

**** UPDATE!!!****

Down to 178.8 as of this morning and 18.1% body fat (Aug. 25th *approx)

Now at 175lbs and now at 16.1% body fat!! (Sept. 3rd )

171.5 lbs and 15.4% body fat (Sept. 6th)

170 lbs and 15.1% body fat (Sept. 10th)

169.5 lbs and 14.4% body fat (Sept. 13th)

171 lbs and 14.0% body fat (Sept, 18th) (water weight gain)

168.6 lbs and 13.1% body fat (Sept, 25th)

165.0 lbs and 12.5% body fat (Oct, 3rd)

163.5 lbs and 11.1% body fat (Oct, 7th)

160.5 lbs, 10.5% body fat (Jan, 3rd)

157.5 lbs (body fat analyzer broke) (Feb, 11th)

155.7 lbs (Mar, 5th)

So I was looking for information on taking the MCSE (look that up if you dont know what that is)  and I got the feeling that maybe it was passe to have anymore as the standards have changed in the IT field since I was in college.

Sooooo, I thought "hey maybe I can find someone in the Portland area that does have one or is going to get certs from microsoft and rap with them about it. Maybe they can tell me which one are worth getting.

This in turn launched into yet another idea of "where could I easily find people who have that knowledge"? Then it came to me to look on OKC as a possible route.

So I did a search and, well, there are not too many women into network admin'ing so that search gave be a bunch of guys. "ok" i think "that's going to be awkward"

then as curiosity set in..... what do the other guys who match me on here like anyway?

I mean I am strait as one can be and a very happy hetro male. But I wanted to see what other men like me look like and what their profiles are.

...

...

...

OH MY F**KING GOD.... NEVER have I felt so horrified! It was SAAAAAAAAD!

profiles that make mine look like the "For Whom The Bell Tolls"....and I know mine is terrible :P

It is almost a level of shame to know that these are my "equals" in some form or another.

SO! I suggest that for just 1 hr today anyone who reads this journal entry. Do what I did and take a look at the people of the same gender that rank with you on OKC and have a laugh, learn a few things and take a healthy look at the digital company you keep.

If anything this has got me motivated to work on myself more and try to get a better perspective of me....

For the love of "enter name of holy figure" will women PLEASE STOP saying that you are "BI" when you have never had sex, or intend to have sex, with a woman!

I mean it is kind of pathetic if you using that to just attract guys not to mention you just make the "Bi/Gay community just look DUMB.

If you are interested in women and still like men then GREAT! Want to explore that? GO FOR IT!!

If  you call yourself "Bi" only because there was that one night with that one friend at the bar that you kissed.... AND YOU NEVER WENT FURTHER THAN THAT, or never fantasized later on the idea?... THEN YOU ARE NOT BI...

What you are is just an attention whore. It used to be sexy to me once upon a time but then I saw what the women that were doing that were like.... it is just sad.......

quit that shit and have some fucking self respect!

Ever make a very simple mistake but feel like an ass for it later?

Misunderstood something that someone said and acted upon it, to only then realize your mistake?

Then KNOW that you can not apologize for it as it will just irritate the other person?

Thats where I am at right now.

This is not some "low self opinion" shit. It just sucks fucking up something you were looking forward to with just a mentally dull, and cognitively dumb, moment......

I hate having shit I cant correct right away.

Ok, I bitch on here a lot... I know not sexy, but again, I DON'T care!

However if you want to read the thoughts of one very frustraited male in his early 30's then please read on. 

Is it me or men now more like fashion objects for women? I mean we used to have the term "trophy wife" and that became a sexist term against women. Maybe it was but now I think it has become the same for guys. 

I live in Portland if you are reading this and NOT from the area. Just so you know.

And I see guy after guy around here and they are so.....well..... effeminate!

It's like if you are single around here it is because you are NOT a pretty boy who can wear YOUR clothes and not only that, might fit better on him! If they are not that then they are some of the hippster douchebags that I run across all the damn time. Either its the collar popped (or have some shitty "TAPOUT" brand t-shirt, Roid loaded meathead, fuck off, moron who smell of Axe body spray, Red bull and date rape. Or they are wearing Aviatior glasses with fake army surplus and 70's era haircut who still live off of their PARENTS money, and ACT like they are SOOOoooo much deeper and instinctual than everyone else. 

These guys are some how sexy? I mean they all look like fucking clones!

what the fuck is worng with being strong, hard working, normal looking (IE not supper pretty/high maintenance, or mindlessly trendy) who knows how to get shit done?

I have nothing worng with these guys on a basic level but they are personalitys built on nothing but an image and insecurity. ****NEWS FLASH YES THESE GUYS ARE INSECURE AND SHALLOW!!**** If they were not they would have their OWN idenitys and not just copy trends or other peoples looks. Fashion has done NOTHING to help the world and it is the most shallow common demoninatior. Yet they all say "save the environment" and are all about "green" EVERYTHING..

I am not saying date a guy who is butt fucking ugly. By no means do I bash anyone for having standards in that regard. BUT CLOTHES!! Really this is what makes a person attractive?

Maybe fasion is lost on me as I do not see the point in it. Maybe I just do not care to "hip" or want to be "popular" or "accepted" or carry a false sense of self. However WOULD like to be appreciated for WHO I REALLY AM and not who I do NOT look like. 

Are men just a fashion accessory for women? Are we just pretty dolls that make them look good when we are with them? Are we no longer valuable as respectable, hard working, tough and self respecting men who have no fear of getting dirt under are nails? Who have no hesitation to dive under a house to clear clogged drains, get soaked in god knows what, and will climb into an attic to run electrical wiring. Have we become so feminized as a society that we can no longer appreciate a hard work ethic and no fear of looking like someone who has to actually works for a living?

I never really looked up to my father, but their are traits from that man that very much make up part of me and many others. Fathers who would bust their ass and knew they are alive by how hard they pushed themselves. The respect you would gain from scars and taking no bull shit. Men of fiber and spine (as opposed to men of soft synthetic fibers, and smelling something like PINE).

 I will never say the men of my fathers generation was right for how they treated women, I will never agree to what a "woman's place" is. I do not believe women are some how inferrior or weak, I LIKE TO THINK that both are equal but not the same. There are some things men can not do that a woman can (like carry children or be better at using both sides of their brain), and there are some things that a is really a mans domain. Can we appreciate both sexes for what they are rather than have to genderbend everything to a point that guys like me become an artifact...

I am strait, I am male, I fix things, I work hard and do hard work. Is that so damn wrong?

I have been on here since I think October of 2009. I have talked to MANY women on here and even met a few. I have noticed that I HAVE to chase them as they seem unwilling to say anything to  me. I have had maybe 3-4 people look at my profile a day as of recent but no one ever says ANYTHING. 

I am kind of lost here. I go on here and try to contact atleast 1 new person a day. TRY to mind you. This does not mean a date or that I just want to get into your pants or anything. just talk! get to know each other. I am still taking my hiatus from dating still as while the mental and emotional fallout is done. I still have to get other parts of my life that I had let go slack, back in shape. 

So many women think that men have fragile egos. To that they do! BUT, women are not ones to be as bold as to say even "hello" to a guy on here. I do not get it.

I feel like I HAVE to start the first conversation or if I do get someone that talks to me, its once and it it nice and fun....and never talks to me again.... 
It almost feels like I am bothering them if I send more than 1 message to the same woman in one week. I mean if I like you, I want to get to know you. I will talk to you and seek you out a little. However if this is some lame headgame women like to play on men....DO NOT play the "coy" or "hard to get game with me" both ARE head games and  >>THIS<< guy is not going to have it. Life is too short for bullshit. I am too old for kiddy games. 

Just say hi or something... is it asking too much for someone to show just a little mutual show of interest?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRhdmqGPy4o&NR=1