What can I do to make your experience as unique as possible? Each date will be catered to your interests. Maybe I'll sneeze on your birthday cake, wreck your car, or I'll dish out some good old fashioned ridicule in front of your friends and coworkers. "I don't care how salty that lunch was, you still look like you've gained weight." "Your beliefs are stupid, and you're stupid for having them." "I love you... what do you mean 2nd date? I've been going through your garbage for almost a year" "Your step-mother has an incredible body... It kind of bummed me out when I found out she wasn't your real mom."
Imagine taking a chilly fall hike in the mountains. Its early morning and the crisp fall air bites at the tip of your nose. We walk in silence, punctuated only by fleeting glances between one another. We smile. I squeeze your hand and pull you a little closer...
Unfortunately I squeezed a little to hard. In the cold, your hand starts to hurt. I apologize and assure you that it wasn't intentional. You move your morning coffee to your injured hand. "Sorry" I say again, and ask you for some of your coffee. As I drink it I realize its terrible and spit it out immediately, mostly on your face. I apologize again and throw the full cup into the stream running parallel to our trail. "I'm not a big fan of pumpkin stuff," I say. I use the sleeve of my jacket to clean your face and for a second the Velcro on my wrist gets caught in your hair. We keep walking.
"I'm going to run ahead," I say. "I'm going to take a piss behind a tree up there." As I jog forward, I crop-dust the trail behind me. You keep walking, trying to sift out the sweet smell of damp fallen leaves. You can't. I've been eating French cheese and drinking prune juice before bed each night for the past 3 days.
You keep walking while I'm off in the woods. At a gap in the trees, there is a small waterfall. You stop to listen to the sounds of the forest. Squirrels click and chirp, happily furnishing the last of their winter stores, the waterfall gurgles slowly, much slower than it had during the spring thaw, a crow caws somewhere overhead and you allow your thoughts to land on the cool sensations on different parts of your body. Your mind rolls over each feeling, like a tongue searching a tooth's crevices for the last pieces of a good meal.
While you wait you decide to build a cairn. You carefully select a group of rocks and build your tower. Your work finished, you start ahead along the trail.
“Wait up!” I call after you. In the cold morning air, my voice cracks as I say “These are so stupid.” “What?” you ask. You turn just in time to see me kick over the cairn...