Adding this because apparently it's important to someone somewhere:
BOOM MORE PDX THAN YOU
Socially awkward troublemakin' motorcycle ridin' footy lovin' Irish whiskey drinkin' rebel softy looking for an oddball, rambunctious and brave sweetheart to treat like a Disney princess.
You: the rarest of the rarest: sweet with occasional sharp edges, emotional, passionate, unexpected, reliable, sympathetic to the life obstacles of the man-child. Me: poorly behaved, undisciplined, no plans to ever grow up. And you LOVE that about me.
What I am looking for: long-term, monogamous, committed, supportive, adult (some, with plenty of childish behavior thrown in for fun). Slow at first. Faster sometime later. I'd like to meet someone I can marry at some point. I'm not afraid to commit. I hope you're the same.
Also, all crazy cat ladies welcome. #cats
I can also fix the shit out of stuff. By stuff, I mean anything not organic in composition. I'm great with machines (cars/motorcycles, computers), just don't ask me to fix the deck, or grow some plants, or provide any sort of health services.
There is an exception to the working with organics: I can cook (some things) (on occassion) (if I'm experiencing a lucky moment).
Also, I ain't ever gonna fit into skinny jeans
And also, I'm not six feet tall or tattooed
But in the interest of disclosure, my list of brain garbage:
The internet is a series of tubes transmittin' lolcats
Robots are awesome. And frightening. Zombie apocalypse my ass. It's going to be these things hunting us down.
The Battered Bastards of Baseball
A documentary about baseball in Portland that's really not about baseball in Portland. Such a great movie.
Mr Robot. Eliot is a weirdo and the women in his life are a hot mess.
Silicon Valley is awesome.
And of course Game of Thrones.
All over the place from punk to opera. As long as it sounds good loud, I like it.
Some favorites (someone made me do this against my better judgment): Queens of the Stone Age (Like Clockwork is amazing), Electric Six, The Clash, Rise Against, Ween, and I'm stopping here before I get out of control with the listing of stuff nobody will read anyway.
Mass Effect and Dragon Age Series (or anything Bioware really)
The Witcher Series (the Wild Hunt is soooo good)
I like games that tell stories. They're like forty hour choose your own adventure movies.
Lately I've been playing a couple flight/space sims called Star Citizen and Elite Dangerous. I gotta be ready when NASA calls about needing a pilot for that trip to Mars.
Also, it gives my friends the opportunity to make jokes about my docking skills. #lolandgross
The ones with pictures. I'm a visual person. I kid (sorta). Last thing I read was a collection of classical short stories. I still have all my college literature books.
The answer is most likely neither.
And I have never sent a 'dtf' message so apparently I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to online dating.
You want to give me profile advice. Speaking of; hilarious advice I've received in messages:
a) you should talk more about your awesome job. Ladies like to know you make good money.
ii) you need more selfies
3) "I'm impressed you read my profile but your message was wayyyy tldr"
Your profile said to write like I read your profile; which was 5700 words long (mostly your I'm too cool Portland hipster indie band list and the full Multnomah county library listing), 762 answered questions which all had comments, and 6 different picture albums.
D) you should list out your favorite bands and books because Portland ladies love that shit
Apparently so..... and no I will not be doing that. And then I relented and did it. Dammit.
Five) why don't you like the outdoors? You should move. I bet you don't even compost.
I just made that last one up.
Or you want to converse with someone who's going to at least try to be respectful. (Which will probably make me seem uninterested, which is never the case if I'm writing you)
So I've come to realize a couple things about OkCupid which I will now list.
1) match percentage means nothing.
I have answered roughly half a bazillion questions to improve my match percentage and this has accomplished nothing in the several years I've had this account. To combat this deficiency, I have developed my own rating system which I will explain in detail shortly. But not yet.
2) the you should contact me if section is equally as useless.
I have received five first contact messages from ladies on this site. Two of them came from the same woman six months apart, who lives almost 100 miles away, and consisted of "how's your day going?" One message just said "hi". The other two were pretty much "lol @ ur profile" in more or less the same amount of words. So I have come to realize that most women just don't do first contact. I also recognize that most women on this site let their inbox fill to capacity because most of the men on this site are completely incapable of writing messages that don't describe their addressee asphyxiating on parts of them and/or jerking off onto someone's feet. So I am assuming that no ladies will be reading any messages for fear of descriptions of choking and toe jam. I haven't figured out how to solve this dilemma yet. I'm taking suggestions.
So anyway, back to the rating system that will replace my match percentage. I can't wait to hear about what people think of this heh. So every profile I visit starts with a score of 100. I then subtract points for everything that frightens/annoys/confuses/misleads me. These subtractions can be for anything like saying you are a chill chick who can't stand mispelled words. Or if you write anything that was meant to be spiritual but came off as unbalanced. There are certain trigger words too. Like Chakras. And Wes Anderson. And the phrase "at a show". Points also deducted for things like badly angled photos, or photos of some bullshit saying you found on tumblr. Ugh. Have some self-respect. And because I don't like to end on a negative, bonus points for anything mentioning cats, motorcycles, Timbers, me, or other incredibly cool stuff. Also, plus points if I've visited your profile before because you made me look (again). Lots of you are going to score well on that one because I have a bad memory, and some of you change your profile pics like every goddamn day and then there are the crazy A-listers who change their profile names. Keeping that shit straight is way too much work.
Lastly (but not really), I have put absolutely no thought into this system so it should work fantastic. And also, I get distracted easily, so chances are I'll never really finish rating anyone because I either forgot how many points or because I was busy fantasizing about romantic date night with you.
I should probably be horribly embarrassed by this profile. Eh, nothing whiskey can't fix.