A brief chronological overview of my life up to this point:
1978 - Born in Los Angeles, CA
1979 - Presumably spent most of my time staring at ceiling fans, shiny things
1980 - Moved to Denver, CO
1983 - First watched "The Price Is Right;" realized the dire need to spay and/or neuter anything that moves
1984 - Declared intentions to be either a fireman or fire truck
1986 - Watched "Top Gun" eleventy-thousand times; wondered why that whole shirtless volleyball scene went on for so long
1987 - Moved to San Francisco. Made it through no less than four earthquakes
1989 - Moved back to Denver; wondered why Vanilli couldn't be more like Milli
1991 - First experienced the emotional damage inflicted by "Hypercolor" t-shirts and their exaggerated pit stain technology
1993 - Realized that my earlier intentions of becoming a fire truck were more difficult to realize than first thought
1995 - Feared Suge Knight
1996 - Graduated high school. Also ran a 4-minute mile in just over 13 minutes.
1997 - Celebrated the triumphant return of the "McRib"
2000 - Struggled mightily to spell the word "millennium" correctly
2001 - Graduated from college (CU Boulder - Go Buffs!). Immediately realized the gravity of my mistake
2004 - Delivered the worst Tony Danza impression the world has ever seen
2005 - Once again confused the meanings of immigrant, emigrant and Amy Grant
2008 - Wished that chicken tenders wouldn't take things so hard
2009 - Once again confused the meanings of imitate, intimidate and intimate with HILARIOUS results
2010 - Served as a groomsman for no less than 7 weddings in a single summer. Sweet Mother of God.
2011 - Mistakenly ended a work voicemail with "I love you."
2013 - Attempted to find the hidden underground bunker at DIA. Concerned that I now know too much.
If I could describe my perfect date, she'd be quick to laugh and able to laugh at herself. She'd enjoy watching "The Big Lebowski," wouldn't mind tailgating with me and my group of friends before a game up in Boulder on a sun-drenched Saturday afternoon in autumn, and would be happy to listen to NPR's "This American Life" on a road trip to God-knows-where. She'd be kind and friendly. And maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to teach me the "Thriller" dance from start to finish.
So, how does that catch you? If it sounds good, I hope that you'd drop me a line. If not, then go back and read it again!
Here's looking forward to talking with you soon.