A brief chronological overview of my life up to this point:
1978 - Born in Los Angeles, CA
1979 - Presumably spent most of my time staring at ceiling fans, being burped
1980 - Moved to Denver, CO
1981 - Idolized Big Bird, the number "7" and letter "C"
1982 - Survived the now-legendary "Christmas Eve Blizzard."
1983 - First watched "The Price Is Right;" realized the dire need to spay and/or neuter anything that moves
1984 - Declared intentions to be either a fireman or fire truck
1985 - Spent summer bored out of my mind playing deep, DEEP right field in junior t-ball
1986 - Watched "Top Gun" eleventy-thousand times; wondered why that whole shirtless volleyball scene went on for so long
1987 - Moved to San Francisco. Wildly disappointed to learn that "Full House" was actually filmed in Los Angeles
1988 - Wondered why Vanilli couldn't be more like Milli
1989 - Moved back to Denver; made concerted effort to join Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation"
1990 - Randomly met Aerosmith's Steven Tyler on a beach in Hawaii. Surprise! He was drunk.
1991 - First experienced the emotional damage inflicted by "Hypercolor" t-shirts and their exaggerated pit stain technology
1992 - Realized that my earlier intentions to become a fire truck were more difficult to realize than first thought
1993 - Tried Crystal Pepsi. Not much happened '93.
1994 - Traveled to Europe for the first time. Was facinated by the percentage of the German population wearing leather pants
1995 - Feared Suge Knight
1996 - Graduated high school. Not much of an accomplishment looking back on it.
1997 - Celebrated the triumphant return of the "McRib"
1998 - Finished third behind Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire in home runs
1999 - Suffered the effects of the Y2K crash one year early
2000 - Struggled mightily to spell the word "millennium" correctly
2001 - Graduated from college (CU Boulder - Go Buffs!). Immediately realized the gravity of this mistake
2002 - Made a concerted effort to compete in the Salt Lake Winter Olympics. Failed to medal. Probably because they thought my luge style was "too real"
2003 - Wondered aloud whatever happened to "Limp Bizkit?"
2004 - Gleamed the cube
2005 - Once again confused the meanings of immigrant, emigrant and Amy Grant
2006 - Attempted to navigate the DirecTV automated bill pay system in Spanish. The end result? No me gusta
2007 - Mistakenly believed it's not butter
2008 - Realized that a backwards robe works just as well as a Snuggie; saved myself $19.99
2009 - Watched the first episode of "Jersey Shore" in stunned silence
2010 - Served as a groomsman in no less than 7 weddings over the course of one summer. Sweet Mother of God.
2011 - Wrote this rambling self-summary on OKCupid.com
2012 - Belonged first to the 99%, then the 47%, then the 100% of the electorate who just wanted the election over!
If I could describe my perfect date, she'd be quick to laugh and able to laugh at herself. She'd enjoy watching "The Big Lebowski," wouldn't mind tailgating with me and my group of friends before a game up in Boulder on a sun-drenched Saturday afternoon in autumn, and would be happy to listen to NPR's "This American Life" on a road trip to God-knows-where. She'd be kind and friendly. And maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to teach me the "Thriller" dance from start to finish.
So, how does that catch you? If it sounds good, I hope that you'd drop me a line. If not, then go back and read it again!
Here's looking forward to talking with you soon.