**I took a night job in SF, so I am looking for a nice boyfriend/girlfriend/couple in the city who can let me sleep over one or more nights. I don't live there; I live in Los Gatos. You need to have somewhere within a block or so for me to park. You will be rewarded with snuggles. Yes, this search is taking a long time. I am picky. Quality relationships take time.

I like to cuddle.

I want friends of any gender.

I want girl friends. The kind I can shop with, giggle with, brush each other's hair, rub each other's shoulders, that kind of thing. All my best female friends are related to me, which means there are obvious limits to our closeness. My goal isn't necessarily sexy-time and I'm big on respecting all boundaries, but I'd like to feel free to express my sexuality with other women. Or girls.

I like to make the most out of a date. I love touches, kisses, snuggles, and conversation. I'm turned on by kindness, intelligence, and humor. You will get back what you put in.

I do not like to be rushed or manipulated or told what to do. I don't like to be touched by people I don't know well.

Some life stats:

I have had many different roles and jobs in my life. Beauty school drop-out, starving student, strip club DJ, teacher, dialogue facilitator, ordained (ULC) minister. Now I'm a retired stripper with a master's degree (and a heart of gold, of course).

I have a lot of shoes, clothes, jewelry, and cosmetics, but I seem to always reach for jeans, baby tees, and Converse. I guess you could call me medium-maintenance, in dress and in relationships. Somehow I always find the middle path, and my mind doesn't grok dogma of any kind. I don't enjoy debate because I can always see five sides to every argument.

I'm a feminist who thinks that patriarchy is just as limiting for men as it is for women (and children).

Old summary (still applies):

I've done some stuff. I like to do other stuff. Later I'll do whatever.

About me: I'm pragmatic, neutral, and moderate. I like both empirical and anecdotal evidence. The right and left sides of my brain are balanced, and I'm a bit transcendental. I'm feminine but not girlie. I hate people but I love every individual I meet. I can talk about anything. I have a thing for grownups.

Hot: cockiness, glasses, literacy, hygiene, thoughtfulness, assertiveness, sexy geeks, healthy work ethic. I like my men firm. If I wanted something soft I'd get a woman. I love wit, humor, and a semantic imagination doesn't hurt, either.

Lame: arrogance, pretentiousness, wilful ignorance, materialism, sloppiness, squishiness, machismo, and dumb jocks. Grow the hell up. I do not like beards. Mustaches are totally out of the question. I mean, gross.

All hail the Fellatrix!

Enjoying every moment of it, but I'd savor it more if I were traveling somewhere with someone hot and interesting.

I used to keep the square and freaky sides of my life separate, but lately they've been overlapping.

Eating and sleeping take up a lot of my life. I eat slower than anyone I know, so you'd better be a talker. If you cook, that's a fantastic bonus. And I realize it's un-American, but I sleep 8-10 hours a night.

I spend some time with this guy: wildeep. I spend time with others you can't see here.

"Heel! Good boy."

Nude karaoke.

Using you for sexual gratification while loving you as a human being.

Combining opposites.

Fucking.

Helping boys find their inner Man.

Getting fucked by your inner Man.

Editors

• wildeep

I'm friendly!

I have good posture. I listen. I smile and laugh easily and often. I am unfailingly polite yet I do exactly as I please.

I am an authoritative presence, but it's a quiet authority. A kind, benevolent queen, if you will. Strippers call me Mama.

Books!

The Margarets by Sheri S. Tepper. Sci-fi for thinking women.

God's Demon by Wayne Barlowe. Not the most engaging writer, but the world building and Hell art are amazing.

A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. His prose delights me. Also see The Mother Tongue.

Woman's Inhumanity to Woman by Phyllis Chesler. I do not like psychology, especially freud crap, but I agree with her premise all the same.

Guns, Germs, and Steel, the Third Chimpanzee, and working on Collapse (still!) by Jared Diamond. I love his balanced and holistic way of looking at the world

Sex, Time, and Power: How Women's Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution by Leonard Shlain. Grandmothers are the key to a strong family. My sister also recommends The Alphabet and the Goddess.

The Skeptic's Dictionary by R.T. Carroll is very fun to read

The Game by Neil Strauss is a hoot.

The Essential Rumi (Barks) from my Sufi friend.

I've read the entire Dune series (F. Herbert only), I had to finish what I started, painful and tedious as it was.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy all the way through Mostly Harmless. It was a bargain book.

All LOtR books when I was twelve, and all the Narnia books before that. Nerd cred.

I've read some of Rice's vampire books, all the witching books, and a couple of the Beauty stories.

My all-time favorite SF writer is Sheri S. Tepper. She's like a feminist environmentalist anti-breeder. She paints interesting what-if scenarios. I like SF/fantasy for fiction and a whole lot of nonfiction like anthropology, religion, philosophy, politics, biographies, history, and current events.

Movies!

Chris Pine was such a dashing Captain Kirk that Kevin Smith would watch him in anything, including in bed having sex with his wife. You think I'm kidding?

Up was a delight, filled with poignant tears.

Who watches the Watchmen?

Go Transforminators!

Hancock was fun and silly.

Get Smart made me laugh.

Iron Man was cool and Indiana Jones 4 was weird but I still liked it.

Serenity kicked ass. I like most movies other than chick flicks, but Oliver Stone can kiss my ass.

Kill Bill(s) was a breath of fresh air for me. More movies should have spurting blood!

My comfort movie is Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Shut the fuck up.

For some reason I just saw the first five minutes of House Party 4. The scene is identical to Ferris Bueller's Day Off (my other favorite movie).

I love Leon (The Professional) and I hear there's a sequel coming. I like Luc Besson in general.

I want to see The Golden Compass. (I read all the books.) It's like Narnia for atheists.

Music!

I just noticed the Dune reference in "Weapon of Choice" (Fat Boy Slim). I'll put that in the bin with the Dark Crystal reference in a Crystal Method song. I love The Dark Crystal.

Every time I hear the phrase "22 bucks" I follow it with, "but I talked him down to 17."

I'll listen to a wide variety of music, but my base is alternative I guess. Depending on my mood, I'll listen to anything from Squirrel Nut Zippers to Tool.

Songs that make me happy: Canary in a Coalmine (Police), Sassafras Roots (Green Day), Runaround Sue (Dion), Comin' Down (Meat Puppets), Allison (Pixies), Girlfriend (Matthew Sweet), Flowers are Pretty (Vandals) more...

Songs that compel me to shake it: Keep it Comin' Love (KC & Sunshine Band), Smells Like Funk (Black Eyed Peas), Know How (Young MC), Touch It (Monifah), more...

Food!

Mmmm, chocolate...

I'm a recovering vegetarian. I really hate mushrooms and I'm not a fan of big chunks of eggplant. Vegans puzzle me. You must have cheese!

I've been learning to like meat again, but I'm eating only happy, organic animals. I've never thought there was anything morally wrong with eating meat, but I do think we treat industrial livestock unethically. An animal should live a decent life before I spread horseradish on it. I'm a big fan of clean organic and local food.

I like Indian, Thai, Vietnamese, Mexican, Italian, whatever.

A man in the kitchen is a huge turn on.

sunshine, music, boys, contraception, dark chocolate, books.

I hate car alarms, junk food, webspeak, mindless breeders, real violence, and prosperity gospel.

I could never do without a Geek. That's right, with a capital G. The position is closed.

I have a lot of pillows. Sometimes I hump them.

Wishlist:

A teaching job.

New clothes. I love cute clothes when I can't be naked.

More to come!

shades of grey.

(including the spelling)

with the boy(s)

with some girls

by myself

Editors

• wildeep

This is the bonus section. It's supposed to be sexy, right?

I love my body.

I've been called a TILF. (Look it up, please don't ask what it is. Please?)

I'm the rare woman who is perfectly satisfied without an orgasm. Deal with it.

I love you men just the way you are, narcolepsy and all. Wouldn't change a thing.

My sister, alsiongrace, is funnier than your sister. Tallullah3 is smarter than your cousin.

Sometimes I wish I were as cool as my sister, who reads comic books, rolls her own smokes, and drinks scotch on the rocks. Of course, I don't drink much and I never smoke cigs. But I like comic books so I steal hers.

I'm 98% straight (which means I make exceptions).

I have no sexual hangups, just reasonable (and permeable) boundaries.

The fantasy man I would commit to will make me laugh, feed me, and fuck me every day. The order is up to him.

I find women's bodies fascinating and beautiful. And I like big butts.

My vagina is a cozy place.

I'm the whole candy store.

Group sex can be fun, but I prefer one-on-one.

Read about "the dirty little secret."

I find scripted romantic (monogamous?) relationships distasteful. Well, just the scripted part. And sometimes the monogamy.

I'm a glutton for attention. And affection. And sex.

And the love.

I'm like a prism. Put a little light in me and you'll get lots of colors.

Pregnancy and birthing scare the crap out of me. Children make me nervous. But holy shit, I can feel the biological clock. No joke. It's really weird. I hope I can screw around for ten or fifteen more years before I adopt some babies and settle down in New Zealand. So I can write my treatise on stripping. Or something.

I'm tender-hearted.

My momma knows all about me and loves me just the same.

I am so much nicer than you think.

I'm willing to change my mind on anything if given a compelling argument and sufficient evidence.

I've met some good friends here. Thanks, Cupid!

Here's the fine print. Read it fast like a Viagra commercial.

you're a cool chick who wants to be friends.

you have something to say.

Here's a spot of advice (to men): we write up these profiles so that you will have something more specific to ask about. Reasonably attractive females like myself get a lot of messages. Well-meaning people like me try to answer all our messages. So don't make it lame.

Here is a list of questions that will quickly cause me to lose interest:
"What are you looking for?" (read the profile)
"What do you do for fun?"
"Aren't you going to ask me anything?"
"Your turn."
"When are we gonna hook up?"

I know I'll sound like an ass for saying this, but your flattery or compliments, while I appreciate them and think they're very nice, cannot by themselves make me want to meet you.

Do not message me asking for "more pics." This is not Caprimagical Magazine, show-and-tell, or Craigslist. Photo exchange games are time-consuming and boring.

What you see is what you get, and you're lucky to get all that. Don't be greedy.

xoxo

Editors

• wildeep