For one week only, Carys "All-you-can-eat-boobie-buffet" Ehlwinn¹ will be speaking at INSERT LOCAL MALL HERE about her best-selling book Poetry for the Literarily Challenged. The book, originally published in 1978 is a compendium of the author's most popular, bizarre or outrageous quotes and writings. Carys has been touring across INSERT COUNTRY HERE for the last three months performing select readings from the book, and answering questions from the media and fans. If you want to get in on this amazing opportunity to hear Carys Ehlwinn speak live, in person, then make sure you get to INSERT LOCAL MALL HERE early, because the seats are likely to fill fast! As a special incentive, the first 50 people through the door receive an autographed copy of the author's newest book The Big Book of War - a Treatise on Zapp Brannigan. (retails for $39.95)
Not familiar with Carys Ehlwinn or her book Poetry for the Literarily Challenged.? Well, below are some excerpts from the most recent edition for your perusal.
Carys on Drugs:
"I'm a staunch proponent of ending cannabis prohibition. Cannabis prohibition has failed, and it's ruined too many lives. Adults should not be made criminals for using a substance that has been proven to be safer than tobacco or alcohol. I believe that cannabis should be legalized, taxed, regulated and sold to adults. Legalize, Regulate, Educate, Medicate." - pg. 420
"The Government infringes upon a person's basic human right to decide how they want to treat their own body. The Government is not a baby-sitter, and it's not elected to save us from our own stupidity. I don't need to have my hand held. If I want to stick a needle of heroin into my veins I should be able to. I don't want to stick a needle of heroin into my veins, but you get the idea." - pg. 212
"Look, I can't say that I like the man. I can't stand him, actually. He's a pompous, degenerate ass. Still, it's a complete legal and human rights travesty to imprison him (and Michelle and Greg) in a U.S. prison for something that shouldn't be a crime in the first place. Free the BC3." - pg. 567
Carys on Polyamory:
"I'm happily married to a wonderful man, and we've got a beautiful baby boy. There is nothing I lack in my relationship with my husband, I'm not looking to find a missing piece through polyamory. I'm not looking for casual sex. I'm not even really *looking*. But I'm open to the possibility of extramarital relationships with like minded people. The keyword is relationship." - pg. 93
Carys on Abortion:
"Abortion should be legal. Absolutely. It may be trite, but my body, my choice. That's what the issue is. Women (and nature) have been performing abortions since time began, it isn't some new invention. The change is that it's a hell of a lot safer now. Making it a criminal action just forces women back to using coat hangers." - pg. 119
Carys on Race:
"I don't see why racial distinctions exist these days. There are more genetic differences within the different racial groups than there are between them. I'm not a big fan of labels, but at least labels like man and woman tell you something about the person (what kind of sexual organs you'd expect to find, or whether or not the person is theoretically capable of getting pregnant for example), whereas racial labels just perpetuate stereotypes." - pg. 250
Carys on Prostitution:
"Prostitution needs to be legalized. The Government isn't here to legislate morals. Prostitution is like drugs, it's the prohibition that causes the greatest harm. Legalize prostitution; regulate it, require licenses and STI tests, get it off the streets and into designated areas. Treat it like a business, which it is." - pg. 69
Carys on Religion:
"I vacillate between the label athiest and the label agnostic. I don't believe that there's any greater, supernatural power out there, but I realize that it's impossible to know, well, anything at all for certain. It's all just a best guess, based on how we interpret the data that our senses provide. Some think that Secular Humanism qualifies as a
religion, I'm not sure that I do. But if I had to pick a definitive label, yeah, that'd be it. Secular Humanist." - pg. 6-7
"Scientologists make baby Jebus cry." - pg. 666
Carys on Homosexuality:
"I knew this guy once, and one day we were talking on the phone and he kept returning and returning the conversation to the fact that "gays are too in your face". He didn't necessarily dislike gays, he reasoned, he just didn't like how they were so open about it, always on the news and in the media bringing attention to it. They should keep quiet, he opined. I, naturally, got immediately suspicious. Not surprisingly, two days later he revealed to me that he'd been entertaining the notion of enjoying some bi-curious activity... Unless they've been brainwashed, er... brought up
religiously, to condemn homosexuality as a sin, anyone who is a vehement homophobe is bi-curious too."† - pg. 73-74
"I'm not a huge fan of the label bi-sexual, at least not as it pertains to myself. I think it's more a love of people in general, if there's something about them that I find appealing. It's less about sex, for me. Though don't get me wrong, sex is good, no?" - pg. 1
Carys on Nudity:
"I'm a nudist. Mostly. I don't go outside naked, but that's largely due to the current illegality of nudity. Also, the crippling agoraphobia doesn't help, much... I'm mostly kidding about that last bit." - pg. 13
Carys on Capital Punishment:
"I'm completely against capital punishment. For starters, it costs quite a bit more money to execute a prisoner than to house a prisoner for life, when appeals and the like are factored in. There's also the problem with executing innocent people. Mostly though, death is the easy way out. I don't believe that there's an afterlife where the condemned will have
to atone for eternity in a lake of fire. You kill someone, they're dead. Let them live and face the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives." - pg. 838
Carys on Being Emo:
"Cut it out with that sad bastard crap. I'm very sad that your mother didn't buy you that new sports car for your birthday, or that you caught your girlfriend giving head to the captain of the football team, now let it go. Those of us who have been genuinely suicidally depressed think you're pretentious twats, so I can only imagine how those without mental illnesses must view you. You make me want to rethink being a pacifist." - pg. 134
Actual Testimonials from Previous Attendees!
"I am interested in your ideas. Do you have a newsletter I could subscribe to?"
"I am shocked. I am appaled. I am shocked and appaled. Never have I heard such horrible language. It was obscene. And why did she need a puppet show to illustrate... oh I can't even say it... An old lady actually fainted!"
"I never actually, you know, read the book. But the cover looks nice."
About the Author:
Carys Ehlwinn is a 30 year old human female, with one husband and two children, a son and a daughter. She has a temporal homesickness for the 1970s. She has Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD for those who prefer acronyms). Her MBTI is INFP, emphasis on the iNtuitive. Her biggest pet peeve is when people misuse the word irony. She really, really hates Emo. She is an insomniac.
I am made by, highly skilled, and Chinese babies