Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
(USER TIP: This profile works better if you read it in
You're lonely, sitting at home, looking at smut with your hand in
your panties, thinking "I wish porn talked to me sometimes."
I can help.
I'm not the kind of guy who hassles random ladies for fun online;
I'm making this profile to let you know it's okay to hassle
Lady, let's get to the point. You're a woman, you like a bit of
firm manhood, and you're just not getting your fix. That's where I
come in. Maybe you just want a little dirty chat. Maybe you want to
show someone yours, or perhaps have a look at theirs. Maybe you've
got a void that's aching to be filled.
I'll be honest here, I'm a horny guy, I don't get out much, and I
want to talk about our privates. I'm a genitalia fan, and I've
already got half the collection.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm searching the internet for a trace of female kindness. If
you're reading this, you're not thinking "what does he do on a
swivel chair in front of a PC all day?", you're wondering "how big
So ask me.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Being interested in what you're doing right now on that side of the
keyboard and if our manual activities regarding our crotches could
briefly coincide. That is to say: Romance.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
It's got to be the looks. Maybe I'm not handsome, maybe I'm not
muscled, but lady, I look like a sexual apocalypse and it's just
possible that you are needing some devastation.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I'll read whatever you write to me, watch whatever you do in front
of a camera, show you anything, listen to whatever you say, and eat
that pot of honey 'til I've got the sexual diabetes. It doesn't
matter how you style your work triangle. Although the fully-furred
muff, the wild bush, the beaver pelt, I must admit, is a rare and
beautiful thing in this time of labial deforestation.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
How to convince you I'm safe to remove your underwear around. And
baby, I'm so safe. Dangerously safe. I'm discreet. I don't
kiss and tell. You get what you ask for and I don't ask for
anything you don't want to give. I'll perform without
reciprocation. I'll pleasure you any way you like, as many times as
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Online, waiting to read your messages about how difficult it is to
find a guy who just wants to get naked meaningfully with you.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm putting this out for the curious American ladies: I'm packing
the complete deal. Uncut. Not circumcised. Ready to show you how it
works if you have the inclination to look.
I do actually have another profile here.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're looking for something vaguely sexual with no real strings
attached with somebody who can correctly name your private parts to
their smallest detail.
You want to look, or want to be looked at. Either, both, up to you.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.