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32 • Chicago, IL • Man
I’m looking for
- Ages 21–33
- Located anywhere
- Who are single
- For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
- Last online
- Nov 16, 2013
- Body type
- Strictly anything
- Very often
- Graduated from Ph.D program
- More than $1,000,000
- Doesn’t want kids
- Has cats
My cat is really important to me.
While I put my orientation as "straight" above, I want to mention how much I HATE HATE HATE how OKCupid defines that crap. I'm really more of a polycatamorous pseudo-semi-queer sub/dom 50/50 split.
Ugh, these are the worst to fill out.
If you wrote anywhere in your profile that you have "trust issues," please do not message me. Seriously.
Unless you think my cat is cute.
Which reminds me, can you assholes who keep flagging the pictures of my cat because she is "not me" stop? She represents me and it is very, very important that anyone I might connect with like her. So stop.
Cleaning up kitty mist. Really good at that.
I'm also really good at making poems about cats. This is a good test of whether we'd be good together or not, whether you like my poems or not. My ex girlfriend had this cat I adored, so I wrote him a poem and, well, we didn't last long after that. Here, take a look at this, message me if you want me to write a poem about your cat.
A review of my ex-girlfriend's cat in the form of a poem:
Her cat is blind, as in,
he has no God damn eyes.
He just sits in her living room
caterwauling at enigmatic shadows
that simply are not there.
I like him.
Black with patches he's
gangly like me and boney
like your grandmother in
the last days of her life.
She was blind too, wasn't she?
I like him more than her.
What do you think? It's longer, but I don't want to put more than that, it's pretty epic. With that kind of wordsmithing about cats you'd imagine any woman would fuck me.
Movies: The cat from Outer Space. Pretty much anything with cats. Except Cats the musical. Even I don't go for that shit.
2. Cat's thick fur.
3. Her pretty paws.
4. Her slender tail.
5. My cat's darling nose.
6. And her tart little asshole.
I mean, if you want to know something... Sometimes I don't think about my cat. I know it's bad. My cat needs me to protect her. I should always be thinking of her best interests.
Also, I have a deep hole under my balls.*
Something weird... My mom loved cats too, but my dad was allergic. So after I was born they made a compromise, since she wanted a cat and he didn't, she was allowed to treat me like her cat for one hour a day. I liked it, I'd just meow and rub up against things, it was nice. She'd pet my head and I'd jump up on the kitchen counter to eat out of a bowl. Things got weird when she'd bathe me, cleaning me with her tongue, but she had to make sure she had a clean kitten, and she did. I'm a clean kitten.
*Some would say this makes me a hermaphrodite. When I was a kid, my mom told me it was my kangaroo pouch. I like that.
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