UPDATE: What follows is meant to contain lots of sarcasm and humor, the idea being that if you took the time to squint at the monitor thinking that little picture was Brad Pitt, and then clicked and realized "eh, not so much", at least you can be entertained.

I'm changing gears and switching things up because life is too short and I'm tired of fumbling around like Tony Romo.

I quote a lot of movies and write novels, so just be aware. And yes, I'm serious about everything in this profile, and don't call me Shirley.

**Several of you mention how you loathe writing these self summaries, but I can tell you that for me it's sometimes harder to write ice breakers to strangers. My brain doesn't always fire on all cylinders, so just bear with me. If I messaged you it's likely because your profile didn't cause me to nod off due to boredom, and I think we share some of the same interests. Until I meet someone I'm kind of a shy person so if I see something that stirs or amuses me, I jump on it.

I'm an ENTJ.

I know what qualities I'm attracted to, so to save us both time:

I don't mind someone being religious, but if you mention it multiple times in your profile, I'm not the guy for you. I have my own relationship with God, and I don't care for organized religion.

If you are easily offended by cuss words and dirty humor, you should turn away now. I do know when to behave though and I'm not a sailor. If you like humor along the lines of Louis CK, Patton Oswalt, Bill Burr, etc. then we might get along.

I will readily admit that many of you ladies are absolutely gorgeous, but if you don't have much to say on your profile, I'm probably not going to be interested. Believe it or not I prefer quality over quantity.

Trying to get on niceguysofokc. If you haven't seen that site, you owe it to yourself. It's funny, and insightful. I work, and I'm going to tell you that I'm a Russian spy so that my job sounds more exciting than what it really is.

Bucket list items achieved:

• Singing in front of a crowd of total strangers.
• Buying a round of drinks for a bar.
• Making a fool of myself on the dance floor.
• Riding a scary roller coaster five times in a row.

impressions, making people laugh, breaking down people's favorite music to the point that they hate me because they notice how shitty it is.

Is that I'm hawt and I'm full of myself. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. Merlin Olsen comes over for dinner from time to time. I'm kind of a big deal. People know me.

If you're still reading...

• Books: I’m really not much of a reader outside of work documents and online articles, which I realize is a bummer because it keeps me from scoring with a hot librarian. I do like To Kill a Mockingbird, Great Expectations, Brave New World, and several band/artist bios.

• Movies: In no particular order (mostly comedies), Office Space, Anchorman, Tombstone, The Fugitive, Shawshank Redemption, L.A. Confidential, Super Troopers, Don’t Be a Menace, Bulworth, The Big Lebowski, Awakenings, American Beauty…

• Shows: Not much of a TV watcher, but when I do…Robot Chicken, Family Guy, Chappelle’s Show (was totally bummed when he quit.)

• Music: My heart and soul. This list could go on ad nauseum, is extremely anal retentive, and I’ll mention it only for the sake of finding stuff in common, but based on the majority of what’s on my media player (takes deep breath like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar)….here goes, Todd Rundgren, Frank Zappa, Foo Fighters, Billy Joel, Chuck Berry, Dave Brubeck, Folk Implosion, The Replacements, Funkadelic, Fleet Foxes, The Who, Live, Temptations, Bo Diddley, Van Halen (David Lee Roth era), Beach Boys (Pet Sounds era), AC/DC (w Bon Scott), Journey, Big Star, and other obscure rock groups no one’s heard of. I likely avoid it if it’s hair metal or involves auto-tune.

• Food: My addiction….in the interest of time I should probably tell you what I won’t eat: brussel sprouts, coleslaw & coconuts. Everything else is fair game, and I have a huge weakness for good Italian and Mexican.

My hands, my magic legs, Lieutenant Dan, Bubba Gump Shrimpin boats, money on my mind and my mind on you.

You, and how I'm going to say sweet things to try and woo you to me, instead of running off with Fahkin Chad, or some other cowboy. Chad is an inside joke that you might be privy to one day.

Also, why my potentially best matches are a bagillion miles away from where I live.

At home crying on my pillow. J/K. Typically at home chilling. after a long work week. Saturdays and Sundays I usually hang out with friends and we talk about world domination, what we would do if we won the lotto but never bothering to buy a ticket, and why our fantasy football teams suck.

Is that Private Eyes (clap clap) they're watching you...

I have stage fright. I once made a perfect delivery of a speech in front of twenty people that I’d been in the same room with all semester, and somehow my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I can sing to a small degree. This video sums up a lot about me at this point in my life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60YFeAJmbuo

You can laugh at this and my responses.

You're the hottest one in your photos, and I can tell who the hell you are amongst your 18 sorority sisters that you went to Macchu Picchu with five years ago before you ran off with Chad, punched out a couple of broods of failure, gained about fity pounds and settled for a job that doesn't have jack shit to do with your degree.

You're not a bean pole, because I like bigger women.

You have red hair. And/or a nice set of legs. And/or a Jewish nose. And/or play an instrument. Hey I figure why can't I also have a ridiculously high set of standards that result in zero matches?

You're actually willing to meet up and not leave me hangin...like Michael Hutchence.

You think we might click.

I usually like to meet up for drinks or coffee or something to see if there is chemistry before committing to an actual date, because I've been torched many times meeting people on here that either A) are pretty rare if they bother to call or show up at all, or B) They aren't anything like their profile personality-wise or there's no spark, so it saves us both time sitting around in awkward silence realizing we don't have anything in common.

• If you made it this far down, thank you for taking the time to read through this novel. And no, I'm not that shallow...