About me? What about you?
One time, I made a joke. Just kidding.

My name is immaterial, and I suffer from a severe case of megalomania. Notable characteristics include my constant use of foul, abrasive, discourteous language and my ravishing good looks. I've also been called very angry, but I'm usually pretty suave in real life. Just kidding, I suck. I lose my temper a lot and stomp around. However, I have never struck a mate or pet. Yeah, that's fuckin' good to know.

I like well-written/spoken satire, philosophy that makes it hard to move, poetry that melts any sense of self, and-- and-- and-- and twins.

Almost everything I say is a joke in one respect or another, and my entire personality is an elaborate satire. But I still take all this totally credible and totally efficient social network stuff, like... sooo serioeouscley

Cuddlenuts

I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that anymore.

I wanted to impress my friends and family by doing something good with my life. I couldn't think of anything, so I told everyone that I was moving to Toronto to go to college. I never actually got accepted or even applied. I actually never left, nor does the college exist, nor does the city of Toronto exist. In fact, Canada itself is an underground nunnery which pulsates around screaming at small children and calling them noobs.

Just like the internet. :(

menstruating

I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.

I am filled to the brim with hate, hate, hate.

or

According to an associate, when asked of what animal I reminded her: "Unlucky black cat: do not cross paths, stars or swords with."

Cool!

Everything Southern-Gothic. Everything, everything, everything.

Books: Answered Prayers: The Unfinished Novel and In Cold Blood by Truman Capote; American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis; Critique of Judgment, Critique of Practical Reason, Critique of Pure Reason, and Groundwork for the Metaphysic of Morals by Immanuel Kant; To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee; Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov; Choke, Fight Club and Snatch by Chuck Palahniuk; the Harry Potter series; and The Wives of Bath by Susan Swan. I cannot fucking stand Stephanie Meyer (her other books are absolutely not okay), James Patterson, Anne Rice, Jane Austen, or George Orwell.

Authors: Dante Alighieri, VC Andrews (only the incest parts), Isaac Asimov, William Blake, Harold Bloom, Charlie Brooker, Rita Mae Brown, Steven Brust, Bill Bryson, Charles Bukowski (that filthy bastard), Vincent Bugliosi, Anthony Burgess, Albert Camus, Truman Capote, Anton Chekhov, Noam Chomsky, Douglas Coupland, Charles Darwin, Jaques Derrida, René Descartes, Phillip K. Dick, Emily Dickinson, Jon Donne, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Mark Doty, Stephen Duncombe, Bret Easton Ellis, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Sigmund Freud, Neil Gaiman, Nancy Garden, Curt Gentry, Allen Ginsberg, Robert A. Heinlein, James Herbert, Richard Herring, Adolf Hitler, Homer, Gerard Manley Hopkins, Henrik Ibsen, Steve Jackson, Robinson Jeffers, James Joyce, Franz Kafka, Immanuel Kant, John Keats, Stephen King, Chuck Klosterman, Harper Lee, Ursula K. LeGuin, Primo Levi, Arnold Lobel, Audrey Lorde, Norman Maclean, Thomas Mann, Gabriel García Márquez, Karl Marx, Alan Moore, Vladimir Nabokov, Friedrich Nietzsche, Jonathan Nolan, Ana Novac, Joyce Carol Oates, Barack Obama, Chuck Palahniuk, Dorothy Parker, Julie Anne Peters, Sylvia Plath, Plato, Edgar Allan Poe, Neil Postman, Terry Pratchett, Ayn Rand, Robert Rankin, Marilyn Robinson, JK Rowling, Sara Ryan, Jean-Paul Sartre, Dr. Seuss, Anne Sexton, William Shakespeare, Mary Shelley, Shel Silverstein, Susan Swan, JRR Tolkein, John Kennedy Toole, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut, Virginia Woolf, things of that nature.

Movies: Amélie, American Psycho, Back to the Future Trilogy, Beetlejuice, But I'm a Cheerleader, Capote, Chasing Amy, The Children's Hour, Dancer in the Dark, Duck! The Carbine High Massacre, Fucking Åmål, Heathers, Heavenly Creatures, Jesus is Magic, Kammerflimmern, Kill Bill, Kill Bill II, La Vie rêvée des anges, The Lives of Others, The Matrix, Memento, Mother Goose Rock 'n' Rhyme, The Muppet Movie, Muppets in Space, Natural Born Killers, The Newsies, Oldboy, The Omen, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, RoboCop, Shaun of the Dead, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Superstar, V for Vendetta, and Zero Day.

Comedians: Stewart Lee <3, Sarah Silverman, Thilo Savage, Emo Philips, Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks.

Television: Arthur, Boston Legal, Dead Like Me, Escaflowne, FLCL, Futurama, History Channel, King of the Hill, The Sarah Silverman Program, The Simpsons, Wonderfalls, not House. I hate House. Don't talk to me about House.

Fuck, I hate Firefly too. Chinese cowboys in space with dozens of habitable planets? I liked it better when it was Cowboy Bebop.

Also, Family Guy was never funny. Ever. You fucking know it to be true.

Video Games: Battletoads, Blinx: The Time Sweeper, Contra, Contra III: The Alien Wars, Crash Bandicoot, Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back, Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, Crazy Taxi 3, Doom, Doom II, Doom 3, Dragon Warrior, Fable, Fable II, Fallout, Fallout 2, Fallout 3, Frogger, Galaga, Gran Turismo, Gran Turismo 2, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, The Legend of Dragoon, Lego Island, Lego Island 2, Metal Gear Solid, Midnight Club II, Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat 2, Mortal Kombat 3, Myst, Need for Speed, Ninja Gaiden II, Oddworld: Munch's Oddysee, Silent Hill, The Sims, The Sims 2, Simcity 2000, Simcity 3000, Simcity 4, Simcity Societies, Space Invaders, Spyro the Dragon, Spyro the Dragon: Year of the Dragon, Starcraft, Street Fighter II, Super Columbine Massacre RPG!, Super Mario Bros, Super Mario World 2, Super Mario Bros 3, Toejam and Earl, Tomb Raider, Tomb Raider II, Tropico, True Crime: Streets of LA, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, The Warriors, fuck i had so fuckin' many more and then i forfuckgot to save the goddamn changes gog dammit fuck fuck fuck fuck ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Music: 50 Cent, ABBA, A Perfect Circle, The Ames Brothers, Apocalyptica, Bananarama, BassNectar, Bikini Kill, The Bird and the Bee, Bjork, Black Sabbath, Bloodhound Gang, The Blow, Britney Spears, Broder Daniel, Chumbawamba, Cibo Matto, Corey Hart, Cypress Hill, Deep Purple, Dick Dale and the Del-Tones, Die Krupps, The The Ditty Bops, Dubmood, Elvis, The Faint, Falco, Finntroll, Fiona Apple, Frank Sinatra, Franki Valley and the Four Seasons, Frenzal Rhomb, The Game, Garbage, GG Allin, The Gits, Goldfrapp, Group X, Heart, Hyper, I Object!, The Ink Spots, Iron Maiden, Jefferson Airplane, Jem, Johnny Cash, Joy Electric, KMFDM, King Missile, Kraftwerk, Ladytron, Leæther Strip, Le Tigre, Lesbians on Ecstasy, Little Richard, Made Out of Babies, MC Hammer, Mario Lanza, Marilyn Manson, Matson Jones, Metallica, Metric, MIA, Mirah, Morningwood, Nancy Sinatra, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, Nuttin But Strings, OK GO, Oingo Boingo, The O'Jays, Orbital, The Organ, Orgy, Pantera, Paper Bird, The Pillows, Piney Gir, Pixel, Pony Up!, Pop Will Eat Itself, Prodigy, Pzychobitch, Queens of the Stone Age, Rammstein, Rasputina, Ratatat, Regina Spektor, Rush, Salt-N-Pepa, Sarah Silverman, Skeletonbreath, Skinny Puppy, Sleater-Kinney, Smashing Pumpkins, Sophe Lux, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, Spalding Rockwell, Stewart Copeland, Styx, The Sugarcubes, The Supremes, Sugar Hill Gang, Suicide Commando, Talking Heads, Tears for Fears, Tegan and Sara, Tool, The Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Underworld, Veruca Salt, Wall of Voodoo, Wanda Jackson, The White Stripes, Yann Tiersen, et cetera.

Food: I should be fat by now. I love tirimisu and cheesecake, strawberry cheesecake iced cream, cookie dough iced cream, most kinds of fast food, anything with potatoes, and cats. I'm a vegetarian, but not the healthy kind. I love Indian food, as all unique individulol snowflakes like myself. I supposedly have Celiac and am kind of lactose intolerant, but still (have an unreasonable affinity for and) routinely consume lasagna, quesadillae, grilled cheese sandwiches and similar delicious, delicious, dairy/gluten-ridden edibles. I suppose that I'd rather enjoy what I eat now and suffer a debilitating disease than try to cram that gluten-free soy pizza shit down my face for the next three score. Balls.

Your legs ;)

Myself. Because I'm just the greatest.

Sitting alone in the dark in my underwear, staring into the glow of my computer screen, sobbing and masturbating to videos of Gary Busey being bukkaked by farm animals.

Or defecating on the brightly-lit streets of downtown Denver.

1) I exist.

2) Most of the space in my heart is reserved for nostalgic racism.

3) I salivate far, far more than average. I suggest you not share drinks or cigarettes with me.

4) Ultimately, my goal is to alienate you all.

5) I have a terrible, crippling fear of (and unwise infatuation with) waterspouts. Every time I see a picture of one, my breathing destabilizes, and sometimes I'll start shuddering violently. I can't fucking look at that shit. If you ever played Ecco the Dolphin as a small child, you should know why.

And if you think it would be funny to send me a picture of one, you're probably right, but you still shouldn't do it.

you probably shouldn't.