Mainly that I don't talk this much in person; that I don't like to
be seen as ONLY feminine; that I'm horribly angry with the word
"weakness." But since I like to get wordy, here's a chapter on
what's truly private for me - a person who has fought hard to say
he loves mystery.
(Bullet points for those who like to read chaos with a frame around
(-I enjoy sharing confusion)
(-I always fall in love first)
(-Love is a competition to me)
(-I'm so careful, I don't care at all)
Through the silences that evolve in-between relationships: I tend
to inspire. Even if it is only myself. I work hard to keep myself
together when I travel to the caves of lovers in dreams, lighting
fires and fleeing. The whole process of inspiring is not solely a
good thing when inner conflicts go unresolved. To be great means
you have to be fixed from the emotional concept of brokenness... A
dear gal pal once told me that brokenness is an illusion. In
silence, I argue. I argue a lot.
Well, a hand is dipping into the pot of empty. I'm seeing I've set
the tone for you to know what my presence is like. Escape words.
I'm not even using them.
Sometimes conflict is just another philosophical conversation, made
personal. Other times, we think it hurts; maybe it doesn't. I am
still learning to tell myself the difference in pain and pleasure
and this confusion does affect my relationships. I am so sorry
about it! <3 Trust saves me often.
I'm sure that some people, and at times myself, are more afraid of
love than they are desperate for it. I have learned that even when
any relationship stops making new sense, it is important to work
with what you have left on the table. It would seem that conflict
in relationships has been necessary for me in order to get to know
someone truly. Conflict is usually what a person thinks is wrong
with me. I must "obviously" never like to talk about it. This is my
negative relationship cycle. What survives, remains profound to me.
But there always seems a fire to put out, and a crises to avert. I
like to let things burn slowly. Summer time comes and the ashes
become face paints. Why are you still digging in the mud when it is
time to dance with dirty feet? Sweat is cleansing too.
I handle my voice poorly under any psychological break from
synchronicity. And while there's beauty to be found living in a
constant chaotic mental state of change, staying there makes me
feel like I carry an inactive gene for mental illness. I work best
when my moments flow like they are each as precious as the
When I am done scratching at the surface of what is really wrong
with me, I beg forgiveness for doing so, and package up time in a
box with a bow and hand it over. Because obviously, what we find
wrong is never about just ourselves. This is why silence is such a
part of the conversation of life, when two people share it.
There is a pattern of loss in life that is perhaps a map of the
biggest flaw to know about a person. Perhaps this is a treasure of
sorts, and even so, I just can't give up the ideals of true and
pure unity. Equality is what makes this information come slowly to
me. I am determined to see everyone I love as truly perfect,
because I categorize flaws in an ornate system of flowing nonsense
But each loss pattern seems particular to individuals. Mine is
mine. With each romance I push myself through, I aim to learn
separateness, and then work it back together like a mechanic of the
cosmaniac womb. I love to loose my innocence simply by knowing too
much. Flaws can be what we love.
It is like I haven't transcended sacrifice. Therefore, whether it
is naive or not, I do believe in a Utopian existence.
A lot of folks don't really want to be known intimately. So I feel
within extremes but dancing on either side of the empathetic line
is how I hope to achieve mutual understanding with love's shadow.
And this high standard does in fact leave room for error. At the
end of each love making a lesson, I thank goodness for knowing
nothing. Fuck egos.
I seem to hurt others when my back is turned. In the animal kingdom
this is truly cruel. That is my safety net, this animal kingdom
makes room for learning from mistakes. I can't bear hurting the
ones I love, though I honor the roles that hurt plays in life. I do
that because I see growth there. And because I still get to treat
emotions like the weather treats my own. I love your ego so
Whenever I feel out the flaws of others, I leave a little of my own
flaw behind me. I think that because this is highly personal for
everybody, it can be hard to manage at times. Certainly hard to own
up to, at others. But grace is free with friends, and I even call
my enemies close to me with what is a special care between
So maybe I'll never achieve pure communicating, and never know that
I am already showing that I care, but I never regret helping others
reach higher understanding. This is true even if the process turns
out sacrifice within the interdependency struggle. The result of
loss is always the same: what makes it through fire is more worth
keeping than what doesn't. Besides, when it comes to relationships
I'm a complicated person, who acts in very simple ways.
Misunderstanding has become my greatest enemy, because he never
comes close enough to me for a nice view. I must be a spiritual
warrior of a different nature than I believe myself to be.
I'm a shy person that needs to open up and find a person that isn't
me. And that's very private, isn't it.
My inner conflict always comes out, and while I let out that guilt,
I still have to empathize with what comes out of me. I know this is
the paradigm of creating conflict in relationships. I truly believe
cruelty does not have to be a part of reality in any way. If you
get to know me, I will be learning lessons through YOU, my one and
only guru. That's no more pressure than being yourself. I'm so
thankful that this life has taught me one key principle in getting
through myself to others. It is our flaws that unite us, never do
they truly isolate us.
Haha! I'd love to meet you all, and any one who would take this
time reading a silly profile ^_^