Mainly that I don't talk this much in person.
(Bullet points for those who like to read chaos with a frame around
(-I enjoy sharing confusion)
(-I always fall in love first)
(-Love is a competition to me)
(-I'm so careful, I don't care at all)
Through the silences that evolve in-between relationships: I tend
to inspire. Even if it is only myself. I work hard to keep hatred
out of this mixture because the process is not solely a good thing
when inner conflicts go unresolved. To be great means you have to
be fixed from the emotional concept of brokenness. A dear gal pal
once told me that brokenness is an illusion. In silence, I argue. I
argue a lot.
Well, a hand is dipping into the pot of empty.
Sometimes conflict is just another philosophical conversation, made
personal. Other times, we think it hurts; maybe it doesn't. I am
still learning to tell myself the difference in pain and pleasure
and this confusion does affect my relationships. I am so sorry
about it! <3 Trust saves me often.
I'm sure that some people, and at times myself, are more afraid of
love than they are desperate for it. I have learned that even when
any relationship stops making new sense, it is important to work
with what you have left on the table. I don't run away so much
anymore. And if I do, I guess I don't run too far. But inevitably,
the closer I get to someone, one of us will run somewhere. Will we
end up in the same place? Sometimes we end up closer for it.
It would seem that conflict in relationships has been necessary for
me in order to get to know someone truly. This is my negative
relationship cycle. What survives, remains profound to me. But
there always seems a fire to put out, and a crises to avert. I like
to let things burn slowly. Summer time comes and the ashes become
I handle my voice poorly under any psychological break from
synchronicity. And while there's beauty to be found living in a
constant chaotic mental state of change, staying there makes me
feel like I carry an inactive gene for mental illness. I work best
when my moments flow like they are each as precious as the
When I am done scratching at the surface, I beg forgiveness for
doing so, and package up time in a box with a bow and hand it over.
This is why silence is such a part of the conversation of life,
when two people share it. These conversations are the only part of
monogamy that keep me on towards owning when I feel jealousy. They
are each unique, and also overflowing with interconnectivity.
There is a pattern of loss in life that is perhaps a map of the
biggest flaw to know. Perhaps this is a treasure of sorts, and even
so, I just can't give up the ideals of true and pure unity. But
each loss pattern seems particular to individuals. Mine is mine. I
want to learn separateness, and then work it back together, like a
mechanic of the cosmaniac womb. I know that I've only ever been the
one to hurt myself, but learning others doesn't NEED harm as a
necessary tool. I am still very young at heart in this way. I
haven't transcended sacrifice.
A lot of folks don't really want to be known intimately. I know,
and I tend to pick at it anyways because I'd rather that person die
than live without meaningful connection.This, of coarse, is the way
that others have treated me, and if it weren't for my own gratitude
of the fact, I'd be a far more mild individual. So I feel within
extremes but dancing on either side of the empathetic line is how I
hope to achieve mutual understanding with love's shadow. And this
high standard does in fact leave room for error. In the end of each
learning cycle I thank goodness for knowing nothing. Fuck
I can't bear hurting the ones I love, though I honor the roles that
hurt plays in life. I do that because I see growth there. And
because I still get to treat emotions like the weather treats my
own. That is my safety net. If I can empathize, then I know I am
being careful with my actions. I love your ego so much.
Whenever I feel out the flaws of others, I leave a little of my own
flaw behind me. I think that because this is highly personal for
everybody, it can be hard to manage at times. Certainly hard to own
up to, at others. But grace is free with friends, and I even call
my enemies close to me with what is a special care between
So maybe I'll never achieve pure communicating, and never know that
I am already showing that I care, but I never regret helping others
reach higher understanding. Even if the process turns out sacrifice
within the interdependency struggle. The result of loss is always
the same: what makes it through fire is more worth keeping than
what doesn't. When it comes to relationships I'm a complicated
person, who acts in very simple ways. Misunderstanding has become
my greatest enemy, because he never comes close enough to me for a
nice sword swipe. I must be a spiritual warrior of a different
nature than I believe myself to be.
I will finish this over-long secret with describing my attachment
to love: I am not solely in love with the love in this world, I'm
in love with the free will of it all. In sum: I don't know how to
admit I'm romantic, but maybe you see it. Maybe you don't need
And that's very private, isn't it.
My inner conflict always comes out, and while I let out that guilt,
I still have to empathize with what comes out of me. I truly
believe cruelty does not have to be a part of reality in any way.
If you get to know me, I will be learning lessons through YOU, my
one and only guru.