Ambitiously alliterating, accidentally athletic, amazingly ambidextrous at a piano, and angry about Arrested Development season 4,
I have sparred with the police, surfed in Costa Rica, dodged poop thrown at me by monkeys, and sung backup for Kenny Rogers.
While more timid souls experience freedom from loneliness in the forms of Jersey Shore, ice cream, or civil equality, I sit at my awesome desk, loudly crunching snap peas and scrolling through dating profiles in search of fellow travelers, those of you with fire in your blood, imaginations that excite and terrify, those fit enough to outrun zombies, the believers in lost causes. Like a cure for hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
I am awesome and I am Batman.
I have a badonkadonk.
I recycle wine bottles, but never first date ideas.