Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Okey dokey, first and foremosty: I'm not on the market. Just window
shopping. Thank you.
There are a lot of words in this thing, but it's okay, just take it
one paragraph at a time and we'll get through it together. Or
you'll move on. Either way, I'm cool if you're cool.
Firstly: I'm seeing somebody. She's married and poly, I'm
single-ish and undeclared. I like her a lot, we're eerily similar
and complementarily diabolical. She is on OKCupid, but it'd be
weird for me (and likely her) to link her profile. The best
evidence I can present that it's not a skeezy uptrading or cheating
situation is that I'm mentioning her at all. And that's that.
Questions are welcome.
I've resisted giving a self-summary, but an outside appraisal of my
Personality section may lead visitors to believe I am (in relation
to other OKCupidites) an amoral, horndog prick.
Such an impression may be true, but would be unleavened by other,
finer qualities, such as my humor and openness; also, I can spell
words and donate generously to the humane society. Okay, that last
bit was a lie, but I do like animals.
Some days, I feel like I'm defined by the people around me. Like
I'm a blank space whose borders become tangible only upon contact
with other persons. How much I like or loathe them; which tasks are
forced upon me by contact with them; they blink and my past is
fixed and another frame of me begins. Other days, I am the pure
sophist, my mind refusing to countenance the existence of beings
outside its scope of self-reflection. Most days, though, I
To thine own self be summarized.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
My commitment to the U.S. Army is over. Now what? My life is
essentially a blank slate. Go back to school? Explore the world?
Hire on as a mercenary to a globe-spanning security firm? All these
are options, I guess, but I just don't know.
I think, ultimately, I'd like to live on a boat. Just survive and
thrive off the mercury saturated bounty of the seas. Draw a little
comic about my adventures. Do simple stuff, clean, no moral
Of course, I'm not DOING that. I came back and my family
conscripted me in their war against entropy and the tax man. It's
tough, but I'm learning a lot and if there's anybody who can do
this job it's--GIVE ME THEIR NUMBER.
Kidding. I'll be all right.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I'm a fair hand at verbal, written and visual communication:
drawing, debating, radiating the subvocal supersonic message of
Yog-Sothoth's love. I can grill a mean tri tip. I can ride a horse
and train a dog, and cut down trees--for the right reasons. I can
hike like the devil is on my heels. At least, I used to be able to,
before I became sort of a shut-in. In Hawaii, if you can believe
That's actually a thing: I really wouldn't mind getting to know
somebody simply for their outdoorsiness. Totes down for a platonic
weekend hiking and eventually camping buddy. Honestly!
I am Not So Good at people or relating to them, sometimes.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Height, impatience, prematurely gray hair. Darting eyes and flaring
nostrils. Well-formed hands. An air of mystery and menace and
grilled onions. I would LIKE it if people first noticed my
understated humor or winning smile, but it's a mystery to me. We
all know the truth behind our presentation, but hardly anybody can
fathom the truth OF their presentation.
Drop the zen, drop the mic.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Even though it's about half of a modern conversation, here's a
All right. The authors currently chilling in my Nook are:
Cormac McCarthy, Charles Portis, Neal Stephenson, Orson Scott Card,
China Mieville, and T.H. White. Plus one or two I've either
forgotten for the moment or am just not listing for the sake of
Like Lee Child, for instance.
Also: everything steampunk sucks, and you can shove those goggles
up your ass.
Let me follow up on that moment of stark judgmentalism with a
remark showing an area in which I'm NOT a snide and contemptuous
prick: bathroom selfies. I know it's generally considered uncouth
to take them, but nuts to that. You wanna stand there and make a
face in the mirror with your phone in your hand? Go for it. Maybe
the problem lies with people who narcissistically collect photos of
themselves every god damn where they go, did you think of that? You
know what you AREN'T doing when you take a bathroom selfie? You
aren't pissing off that poor bastard who just wants to sit down and
have a meal in a poorly lit restaurant and berate himself over the
day's missed opportunities for making real human connection, and
really REALLY doesn't need flashes going off every five minutes to
remind him that other people have people to take pictures of them
and be happy. You don't want to piss that guy off, because that's
the guy in the room who's closest to snapping and making
regrettable decisions, like for instance sailing the soup tureen
across the short distance between tables and ruining everybody's
day with a good two cups of scalding hot, way-too-expensive clam
So, yeah. Bathroom selfies! Not really that bad, considering all
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
When I first filled out my profile, I was annoyed by this prompt
and put in a snarky little line. I thought it was clever at the
time, but it was really only shitty. Even though this question is
about priorities and a little deeper than it appears at first
glance, I'm still kind of annoyed by it and will forego answering.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The state of my family and the many awful things I'll need to do in
order to protect them. Awful, as in I'd rather be in the woods than
working real estate deals. Awful, as in sometimes I feel like I'm
sticking my hand in a nest of wasps to keep them from stinging each
I also think about nice things, like water lilies and pubic tufts.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
On a typical Friday night, I'll probably be getting ready to see a
movie or otherwise wandering around. Don't typically like spending
a lot of time with people, but I do love watching
Not creepy at all, I know.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
21-35: Not really a dating preference, but more of a browsing
preference. Sorry, youngin's. I filter with a browsing preference
because I don't currently date. And because I'm scum.
I find bullfighting distasteful, but I will always root for the
I use OKCupid mainly from my phone, and the app has a history of
showing mobile users online even when closed. Due to this, I'm
often perversely worried that if I exit the app straight from
somebody's profile, they may get the idea that I'm visiting their
profile for hours on end, obsessively poring over every detail and
question until I feel I can absorb the person's soul into my own, I
know them so well.
I'm not doing that. Honest.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
...your profile has at least one picture of you holding a mixed
drink in a sports bar. This sends an important signal that you're
ready to settle. Come. Come and tell me how you're an old
Ha! The longer I don't care who this profile attracts, the meaner
it gets. I'm sorry. But you know those people who start this essay
with, "You really shouldn't message me"? You shouldn't. I'm not
being ironic or coy, I'm just not interested in anything right now.
Not ANYthing anything, I'm not depressive. I've just got better
things to do right now than meet people and uncover their souls,
their hopes and aspirations, their vaginae.
If we're less than an 85% match, I likely won't initiate messaging.
If we're higher than an 85% match, I . . . likely won't initiate
messaging. One of the problems with INTPs, I think (and no, I'm not
some weird "type" fascist, it's just a casual observation), is that
we look a lot more vibrant and colorful on paper. We've a rich
inner world and we're good at expressing it via media like this,
but in person it's typically wrapped up in an aloof and silently
smirking shell. Basically, that means places like OKCupid play hell
with my initiative, and I really, really like window shopping
humanity. I'm not asking you to pull me out of my comfort zone,
that's my job. But I gladly accept and try to respond to all
messages. Even the ones I know will lead nowhere.
And once in a great, greeeaaaat while, I'll message you. Or you! Or
maybe even--oh, who am I kidding? We all know it won't be
If you believe the above made me seem arrogant, I understand and
acknowledge your concerns. I'd like to thank you for reading this,
and I hope you have a GREAT day.
P.S.--I'm not sorry.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.