I've actually found that I get some brutally honest comments from these journal posts so I thought I'd try it again.

I need some motivation to change some a lot of things in my life.  I find right now that I sleep about 12 hours a night, and when I have free time I do nothing but watch videos on youtube.  I really need to find another job and a life among other things.  Maybe writing out my situation will put things in perspective.

First, I'm still in a delivery job.  It's pretty easy and I don't hate going, but it causes stress trying to keep my vehicles running.  My primary ride broke down again yesterday while at work for the 3rd week in a row.   I have to drive one of my trucks to work today.  My primary vehicle is a van I bought for $500 so I guess it goes without saying that it will break down.  I don't know why I can't realize that.  I have 2 big 4x4 trucks that I have spent a lot of time and money on but they are supposed to be toys not daily drivers.  I have probably spent $25-30k over the last 5 years on 4x4s with very little pleasure or results to show from it.  So I guess getting rid of that obcession is something else I need to do.  I revived my hunt for another job yesterday. 

Second, as I mentioned, I need a life.  I was supposed to start working out with one of the guys from work last week but I bailed on him and haven't gone...just haven't had the motivation.  I have a couple beers once or twice a week with another guy from work, but he drinks just about every night and I really don't want to get into that bar lifestyle again.  I've had a couple times in my life where I would go drink every day for a couple months straight and I just know it's bad.  My friend that I call "big dude" that I thought was into 4x4s gave them up a couple months ago and basically spends all his time with his family now, so I don't hang out with him.  Now that I write this maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.

I still spend a lot of time thinking of moving back to West Virginia.  I don't really like a lot of things that come with city life but I don't want to live in the boonies either.  I have a cousin in West Virginia that I have talked to a lot about moving back and now he keeps pressuring me about it, going so far as to hang up on me yesterday when I told him I hadn't started on a job application for something in West Virginia that would be perfect for me.  I don't think there's any doubt about it that he's being an ass hole.  I know if I move back I will put more pressure on myself to reconcile with my parents and I'm just not ready to do that yet. 

I think I realize what I need to do...it's just sometimes you need a kick in the ass to get your head screwed on a little straighter.  Writing these journals and getting comments seems like a good way to become more self aware.  Thank you for reading. 

So hear I am, 34 years old.  Still can't believe that I'm over 30.  I had somebody tell me that if you don't find a lifelong partner by 35 you never will, and for some reason that thought seems to stick in my head.  I guess you could say that I am ultimately looking for someone to marry when I browse around personal websites such as this one.  The funny thing is I have never had any sense of family...I haven't talked to my parents in 6+ years and I rarely talk to anyone else in my family except for one cousin.  I live 400 miles from most of them...most of them live back in West Virginia.  Maybe I shouldn't expect that to change, except for the hope that I have that I will find true love.

I also find that I have started trying to contact people from my past and reconnect with them.  A couple months ago I found a way to contact a girl from high school that I had had a lot of "what might have been" thoughts about.  She was married and expecting her first child, but I told her about those feeling in an email anyway.  She never responded after that.  Just today I sent an email to an old boss of mine from 11-12 years ago, somewhat to reconnect and also to possibly network for job possibilities.  I have a lot of regrets of things that I didn't do or tell somebody from years past and I seem like now I am trying to fix that. 

Anyway, I guess that bottom line is that if I have any thing left that I want to do in life, I need to do it now.  They funny thing is I can't think of a lot....except maybe the get married thing.  I suppose part of the reason I am in the rut I am in is because I don't have any goals in life.  I have had a lot of thoughts lately about how I'm starting to hate the area around Charlotte and the "sea is calling me home" to West Virginia.  Oh well, as usual I have more searching to do about what I want in life.

Right now I'm very confused about talking to people online due to my last two experiences.

1st:  I exchange about 6-7 emails with a girl, all seems to be going well, the last one being sent by me, but she just stops logging into the site after the last email she sent and hasn't logged in for 2+ weeks now.

2nd:  Sent an email to someone who didn't respond.  Saw her online a few days later so I IM'ed her, and had a good converation.  I thought we had agreed to try to setup another time to both be online and IM.  Noticed her online last night and tried to chat with her more.  Talked to her for maybe 5 minutes in what seemed like a very one sided conversation, then she says strange and just never responds again.  I dunno, maybe I was too self centered in that one.

So I'm frustrated.  I can't read minds, and I have a hard time realizing what somebody thinks when I'm talking to them online.  I guess I won't worry about those two anymore, I just don't know why someone responds to you and/or says yes I'd like to talk again and the next time it's like they don't want to talk.

I admit, I've had a couple people start a chat/email with me that I responded to and then stopped for a stupid reason.  Guess that means it's time for me to stop being a hypocrite and actually tell people if I don't want to talk anymore. 

I'm weary about putting a "journal" on a dating website for all to see but here goes..

I don't know why I can't get a steady good job. Here's some background....up until May 06, I had been at Wachovia in 3 different jobs, was working 3rd shift which sucked, but had been there for 6.5 years and was used to a steady paycheck and the same hours, etc. So I quit to help my buddy move to Mexico to avoid going to jail...that's a long story itself and probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. I got another job within a month but got fired after 3 weeks...1st time I had ever been fired from a job. I lived on unemployment and tried various jobs for 6 months. I quit some of them after as little as 4 hours. Couldn't find anything long term in my career field was the worst problem. When unemplyment tried up I took a job delivering for Wing Zone, something I hadn't done since my college days. I worked at Wing Zone and Papa John's delivering ever since then as a "second" or "night/weekend" job, but I couldn't stand any of my days jobs for more than 5 months since then so they turned out to be my fallback. I also got fired from another job in May '07, probably the only day job I would've wanted to keep. Anyway, my license was suspended this past weekend for not paying tickets and Papa John's found out within 2 days, so I can't deliver now. I start another day job Monday, and I've looking for another delivery job where they don't check my license. I so much want to get back to just working 1 job making 50k+ year that I want to be in long term....this has caused me so much stress in recent times...guess I just took things for granted before. Oh well, end of rant...