Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
If you want to create an OKCupid profile from scratch, you must
first invent the universe.
"Look at us! We are not out of breath, our hearts are not in the
least tired. For they are nourished by fire, hatred and speed! Does
this surprise you? it is because you do not even remember being
alive! Standing on the world's summit, we launch once more our
challenge to the stars!" -Futurist Manifesto, 1909
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
A few years ago I was bitten by the adventure bug. In fact it
turned out to be a brown recluse spider and the flesh eating venom
dissolved most of my body. When the surgeons rebuilt me, they gave
me the untameable heart of a stallion and organs from a couple
other animals that were cheap on craigslist.
Since then I've managed to talk my way into a bunch of really cool
expeditions I was lucky to be a part of, and that I'll remember
fondly in my old age as I scream incomprehensibly at youngsters to
get off my futuristic glowing hover-lawn.
Rather than tell you about all of that here, I could just take you
on one. If you've ever wished you knew someone who would push you
to get out and do interesting shit on weekends instead of watching
Game of Thrones on Netflix in your pyjamas and carefully eating
just the marshmallows from a box of Count Chocula, I am that guy.
Although I concede Count Choc is fuckin' grelicious
As for why I'm on here instead of socializing conventionally: My
first few attempts to woo the fairer sex involved going into the
woods and fashioning a fine, sturdy shelter from mud and sticks in
which she might safely lay her eggs. I then performed mating calls
("Woolooloo! Woolooloo!" More enticing in person imo) for several
days before collapsing from dehydration.
A little Googling revealed that my understanding of women was
somewhat incomplete, and that people like me should use dating
websites. So here I am.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
#1. Inventing interesting and occasionally non-flammable
#2. Expressing the transience of being via interpretive dance
#3. Doing an art.
#4. Not understanding sports.
#5. Doing gory stickman flipbook animations in the pages of really
important books you shouldn't draw in. :O
#6. That game where you're riding shotgun, looking out the window
and imagining a little man running along the horizon jumping over
houses and various other obstacles.
#7. Cuddling kittors
#8. Giving the bare minimum fucks required by law (1.6 at the time
of this writing)
#9. Being a professional butt model
#10. Numbered lists with exactly 10 items
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That my fly is undone. It's the casual fashion of the future.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Too many, I'mma do one of each so this section doesn't end up a
huge wall of text.
Book: City of Ember.
Movie: Any BBC nature documentary. I hope David Attenborough gets
my love letters. My GAY love letters.
Show: Walking Dead. It's about all these dead guys that keep
walking around even though they're dead. 10/10, title delivers. Not
like "There Will Be Blood." Actually very little blood in that
Music: Sir Mixalot's heart wrenching magnum opus about his lifelong
passion for substantial buttocks, and inability to deceive others
about it. Specifically the Norwegian speed metal remix. (Real
answer: Solar Fields, Steve Roach, Carbon Based Lifeforms, Bjork,
Klaus Nomi and Explosions In The Sky.)
Food: Sriracha sauce. That's a food. Shut up yes it is, if it's not
a food how come I'm eating it right now?
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
#1. The spiritual knowledge that Freddie Mercury died for our sins,
loves every one of us and wants us to be happy.
#2. Lists like "1. oxygen 2. water 3. shelter", etc. I always smile
imagining how clever they must've felt writing it. Because you see,
those are basic necessities one requires to survive!
#3. Lists that start with "I'm not gonna do one of those dumb lists
that includes things like oxygen, water, shelter, etc." for the
same reason. ("Hah! Take THAT, society!")
#4. An ipod with just the Space Jam themesong COME ON AND SLAM
WELCOME TO THE JAM
#5. My pets! I have a cat, hamsters, and I am giving serious
consideration to corgis, mainly for the novelty costume
#6. Documentaries, especially about space, the deep sea, antarctica
and deep underground caverns.
#7. Nudibranchs! Gay clowns of the sea:
(I did seven! Not six! #2cool4rules)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
1. When is X going to give it to me? It's been 12 years. I love
surprises but come on
2. How to make "adoraburgers" catch on. "You are so adoraburgers I
could eat you up". So far it's not going well, but Rome wasn't
built in a day. "Stoats magoats" isn't faring well either. :(
3. I sometimes do reverse match searches to find people with the
*least* compatibility. So I can identify my arch nemesis, meet up,
and battle. If that's you, contact me. I already made our
4. If climate change is real, then why there are still monkeys?
Serious: Antarctic research, deep sea exploration, future missions
to Mars, manned high altitude helium balloons, cave diving, battery
electric/fuel cell vehicle technology, seasteading, lost
civilizations, supercavitating submarines, mycology, toxoplasmosis,
Not a lot in the world doesn't fascinate me. I'm a firm believer in
the saying that only boring people get bored. I generally prefer
discussing interesting ideas rather than the affairs of other
people in my social network, though.
Hopefully you're the same way. Probs not though. Every profile says
"I want a smart guy". In practice, it doesn't get you very far.
Humor has turned out to be a lot more effective.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Polishing my collection of clown skulls. The neat thing about this
hobby is that any skull can be a clown skull, you've just gotta
trick them into putting on the red nose and floppy shoes
What I'm not doing is going to a club, bar, or anywhere along those
lines. If I felt like putting that much effort into socializing I
wouldn't be on here. I'm like one of those endangered zoo pandas
they bring female pandas from around the world to mate with, but
they're waaaay on the other side of the cage and he'd have to get
up for that so he just sits there like a lazy monochrome piece of
shit, munching bamboo and thinkin' about panda stuff (differential
Serious mode: The above to some degree really describes me (the
panda thing, not the clown murder) I go through periods where I
want human companionship and periods where I don't. If I don't
reply to your messages or message you when we both 'like' each
other it doesn't necessarily indicate that I find you unappealing.
More likely I am just in an avoidant mood.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Lots of shit, actually! I have no filter, and fear being
misunderstood. Standby for TMI!
#1. When I was little, for the longest time I thought "triumphant"
meant an elephant with three trunks. It should be, right? Who
decides that? I will plead my case before The Council.
#2. There is, at this very moment, a spooky skeleton lurking inside
me. My doctor says it can't be removed without killing me but I
suspect him of having a pro-skeleton agenda.
#3. I stole the cookie from the cookie jar. Call the police I don't
give a FUCK
#4. Sometimes when I'm excited, I roar like a t-rex. When nobody is
around obviously. I usually do this right out of the shower as I'm
feeling invigorated and nudity adds authenticity to any dinosaur
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
1. You have a dream. Not the "be fought over by a vampire and a
werewolf" or "marry a doctor" kind of dream. I mean the kind that
requires maps, grappling hooks and a sherpa. (Don't get attached to
the sherpa, we may have to eat him. In fact, probably even if we
don't get lost. Have you tried sherpa? It's a flavor
2. You aren't a Tumblr SJW. If that's your jam, then rock on with
your bad self. It certainly isn't my business. But if you buy
completely into an ideology all about how I am Satan because I have
a dick and pale skin I don't think we'll enjoy spending time
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