Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm seeing someone awesome and amazing and not looking to meet
people at this time. Sorry for not replying to all messages. Feel
free to read if you want some good laughs.
If you want even more comedic splendor than what I've written here,
check out the answers to my questions.
I know that most of you are reading these and thinking to yourself,
"Come on... are all these guys really writing all of this
bullshit!?" Yes, they are. I really do feel for you women
sometimes. Between all these "protein induced meat photos" and the
ghetto vernacular, I'm sure it's hard to stomach these profiles
hoping that you find the diamond in the rough. Well guess what...
IT'S ME!! I'm confident, eloquent, attractive, charming,
respectful, and I'm probably one of the funniest ball busters
you'll ever meet.
In turn, I'm quite picky. I want the whole package. I want a woman
who's beautiful inside and out. I don't expect a magazine model
who's president of the local Mensa chapter, but I expect you to
have your act together. There's more to attraction than physical
desire, but that's an important start for anyone that I may
consider to be a romantic partner.
Turn offs: Empty minds, void of laughter, and gold diggers.
Excessive use of the word "like" 4 times per sentence also is quite
annoying. People who are 4'5", 350 lbs and tell me how bad smoking
is for my health. Tricked out Honda Civics with lawn mower exhausts
also bother me for some reason. If you have photos with duck lips
as a serious pose, please stop reading now and write to a shirtless
guy in front of a dirty mirror. Seriously dudes... bust out some
Windex before attempting your master flex. Or just stop showing off
the spray tan and leave the nice girls alone.
On a more serious note... if you have any aspirations of joining a
law enforcement agency, I'm all set. I'm not a criminal or evil
doer, but I have no desire to be with anyone who desires to be
involved with 'the code of blue'. I believe in equal treatment and
civil rights. I won't be with someone who enjoys intimidation and
the use of force to pay their own salary. I'm sorry high school was
tough on you.
Turn ons: awesome sharp wit, someone who's not afraid to spruce
themselves up a bit (when the occasion calls for it) without
wearing 2 inches of make up, independent, confident, and SINGLE. I
will not engage in any of your extramarital affairs. Find one of
the guys who's showing off his junk if that's what you're after. I
also require someone with emotional maturity and honesty. I'm
somewhat hesitant to date a woman that is significantly younger
than me. If you truly think that you're wise beyond your years,
then it's something I will consider. I date WOMEN, not GIRLS.
However, I do have one obvious and shallow physical preference. I'm
really attracted to busty women. I prefer some curves on a woman as
opposed to someone who looks like a heroine addict. A little extra
is perfectly fine by me, but I'm not really into BBW's. I'm also
really into spooning/cuddling, and yes I can do that with manners
and class. There's nothing like a little bit of a cuddlefest,
waking up next to a pretty face after a night of fun.
These are not must haves, just preferences. If you fit some of the
above, then drop me a line and take it from there. If you've gotten
this far, I'm going to assume your attention span is running out.
Congrats if this was accomplished without medication. If you needed
medication, that's still okay by me. I won't ask you to share
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I love playing music, I have a fun job, my family's wonderful, and
I've got a great social circle. No complaints here... except for
the all too common email I receive that's little more than a "hey,
what's up". Which I suppose is better than, 'hEy wHuTz UpP" My
brain practically exploded trying to type like that. Funny that
it's more difficult that creating actual punctuation and sentence
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Making people laugh, and making fun of stuff inappropriately. I
usually have a smartass comment before you can finish a sentence...
but I'm polite enough to be patient and listen first. And I can
build a 1/1000 scale replica of the Space Needle with Belgian
waffles. I'm also really good at giving people cruel and/or comedic
nicknames. I also tend a pretty fantastic bar and I'm lucky to love
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My custom Burger King crown signed by Gilbert Godfried and Bobcat
Golthwaite. Celebrity look-a-like comparisons include David
Schwimmer, Robert Downey Jr, and Steve-O from Jackass. Talk about
diversity. I don't see many similarities, but at least I don't
sound like David Schwimmer when I speak. I always disliked the show
Typically, within 5 minutes of meeting me... people feel quite
comfortable that it's as if we've know each other for years. And
for what it's worth I'm ALWAYS told that I look better after
meeting in person. I'm also anti selfie. Some women can pull it
off, but guys should never attempt such vanity.
Physically, I'm going with long eye lashes. Women point this out
often. I create a small breeze every time I blink.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
My favorite book would have to be "Comedy Writing Secrets" by Mel
Helitzer. Shawshank Redemption is probably my favorite flick. I
like all kinds of music, but funk is probably my favorite. I'm a
sucker for Italian food. Redsox, South Park, Family Guy, Archer,
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and some others. I don't have
cable so I'm not really a big TV person.
For music, I like lots of different genres. My favorite would be
funk, motown, soul, etc. I love Stevie Wonder, Earth Wind and Fire,
James Brown, older Michael Jackson before too many cosmetic
surgeries, train sets, and adolescent friends.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My wisecracking mouth, coffee, music, my family, friends, and my
car. If you drive a standard as well, that's really attractive for
reasons I can't explain. But I won't judge if you have a
transmission that does all the work for you. As long as you're not
applying make up, taking a ducklipped selfie, staring at your phone
and texting the entire time you're behind the wheel.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The chicken or the egg. And when to eat them. And how much bacon I
have left in my fridge. Did you know that baby pigs are actually
bacon seeds? Who knew?
Why women on here feel the need to post pictures of themselves with
duck lips while flashing gang signs or giving the finger. Stay
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Saving children from a burning orphanage... then putting them to
work in my factory. I don't like over paying for shoes, pants, and
other such attire. Tiny hands achieve the highest thread count.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm a 4'2'' 350 lb balding man who wishes to join the Ice Capades.
Wanna help me get into "game shape"? My 1980's infomercial sweat
suit isn't working as advertised.
Here's a funny and truthful anecdote from my childhood. When I was
8 years old, I was skateboarding in my grandmother's driveway and
fell on my face, cutting up my gums pretty badly in the process.
She used to be a nurse and fixed me up accordingly. When feeding me
dinner, she told me to eat my carrots because they're good for
healing wounds. So I picked up a carrot and started rubbing it on
my gums. I still remember her humble smile and chuckle to this
I don't have any desire to be in a relationship with anyone who's
overly religious. I don't like the idea of dating an adult who
still has an imaginary friend.
One last thing. I don't have any kids and I don't ever want them. I
don't care if you do or don't, but I'm not ever looking to see what
my own demon spawn potentially looks like. Judge all you like. I
don't care. I'm honest and I have my reasons.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're charming, witty, confident, and have the ability to type in
complete sentences. Notice the plural in 'sentences'. I don't
expect a novel, but please write more than "hi, what's up?"
You should NOT message me if you're married, attached, or you use
'keepin it real' or YOLO in your profile. Trendy catch phrases
bother me. Please refrain from contacting me if you have photos of
you posing with ducklips in your profile. Also, please don't
contact me if you have the word 'sexxy', 'sexi', or any other
grammatical slaughtering that reeks of vain insecurity spelled in
your profile name. Please don't message me if you're polyamorous. I
have nothing morally against your lifestyle. When single, I date
around. But when in a relationship, I'm 100% committed and have no
interest in multiple partners once that's been established. I feel
I just wrote off about 90% of the Okcupid female population, and
I'm totally fine with that.
We all know that physical attraction is important. I'm not
arrogant, egomaniacal or shallow, but let's face it. We want
someone we can show off and be proud of their entire self... inside
and out. That being said, I've been told many times that I look
much better in person. Just something else to look forward to in
addition to fabulous wit.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.